(I work remotely from home in the video game publishing industry. My business information winds up on a lot of weird contact lists, and most of it is in no way related to my work in any capacity. People try to sell me bulk sports equipment from China, for instance. One day I get a call on my work cell.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am! My name is [Caller] calling with [Company I’ve never heard of]. How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine, thanks. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “Very well, thank you! I wanted to ask you if you had ever thought of diversifying your investment portfolio in [Country]?”

Me: “Uh. Well. No, since I don’t have any investments there.”

Caller: “Exactly! I know your time is valuable, but real-estate in [Country] is booming, and our company has great ideas for—”

(It’s become apparent that this is obviously a marketing call, and someone who is calling from outside my industry. I try several times to interject, but he just talks louder and faster about how his company plans to build expensive resorts overseas with investment from me. Finally, he winds down about ten minutes later.)

Caller: “…so, as you can see, this is a great opportunity for you to get in on the ground floor. Where can I send you some documentation to look over? Is [email] correct?”

Me: “Listen, [Caller]. I appreciate your time and wish you the best of luck, but as I have been trying to tell you, I am not involved in any sort of investing or real-estate investment.”

Caller: *offended* “Pardon me, but my colleagues and I bought a list of known investors and their contact information from a reliable source.”

Me: “Not that reliable, apparently.”

Caller: *skeptical* “You’re telling me you don’t have a net worth of 15 million dollars?”

Me: *genuine surprised, shocked, disbelieving laughter*

Caller: *angrily* “Well, thanks for wasting my time, lady!” *click!*

(Yeah, buddy, it was totally my fault you shelled out for a list of unverified information obtained through dubious means and refused to listen to me when I tried to talk. Oh, well. Luckily, I can dry my tears with all my phantom millions.)

(My former boss is an incredibly high-strung jerk without any kind of time management or people skills. I receive these shrieking voicemails on my personal cell phone one day when she’s on vacation. The first voicemail:)

Boss: “I have been trying to reach you and [Colleague #1] and [Colleague #2] at the office for an hour this morning. How dare you slack off like this?! We have deadlines! Just because I’m away does not mean you get to waltz into work whenever you feel like it! There are important cases that need to be done by the time I get back! If someone doesn’t call me back in the next ten minutes, you are all fired; do you understand me?! Your a** is out on the street, and I will make sure no one hires you! I will have you and [Colleague #1] disciplined by the [Licensing Authority]! YOU WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN!“

(Her screams toward the end escalate in volume and shrillness to the point where I can’t keep the phone against my ear. Then, I listen to the second voicemail.)

Boss: “Um, someone here pointed out that it is Saturday. Please ignore the last voicemail. But I expect you to call me as soon as you get in on Monday! We have important deadlines to make, and I’m extending my vacation, so I need you and [Colleagues #1 and #2] to be on the ball!”

(And she wondered why she couldn’t keep even incompetent employees, and why she didn’t have a better reputation in the field.)

(I am checking out at a grocery store the morning of a big football game.)

Cashier: “You’re not wearing your [Team] gear!”

Me: “Well, I’d have to own some. And care.”

Cashier: *shock*

(I’m a paralegal working in the legal department of a company. Between company holidays, the weekend, and paid time off, I have six days off in a row. Before leaving on the last day before almost a week off, I give some important paperwork that needs to be notarized to my coworker, with instructions as to who will be in to sign it and where it needs to be signed. She and I are the only notaries in the company. I also have a habit of answering urgent messages on my days off, something that I’m constantly urged not to do by coworkers. The next morning, I get a phone call from our supervisor, who is a lawyer.)

Supervisor: “Hey, [My Name]. [Person who needs to sign the documents] is here and says that you have some forms for him to sign. Where are they?”

Me: “I gave them to [Coworker] before I left yesterday. She should have them and can notarize them.”

Supervisor: “I haven’t seen [Coworker] at all today. Do you know where she would have put them?”

Me: “I really have no idea. She assured me that she would be in today to take care of them, and I don’t know what she did with them.”

Supervisor: “Oh, okay. Well, [Person who needs to sign] is here right now and can’t stay for long. I’ll print off a new copy and just have him sign the document. You can notarize it next week when you get in the office.”

Me: “Uh, no. I can’t. It’s illegal for me to notarize something I didn’t see signed. I’ll be in the office next week, and while the document is important, it can definitely wait until then, because it’s not due for a few weeks.”

Supervisor: “Well, [Person who needs to sign] is here right now. Can you come in to notarize this?”

Me: *in my pajamas and watching movies with my son* “I really think this can wait until next week.”

Supervisor: “Yeah, but he’s here right now and we might as well just get it done. Can you come in to take care of it?”

Me: “Sure. Can you give me half an hour?”

Supervisor: “I can give you 20 minutes. He has to be somewhere soon.”

(I live about 15 minutes from the office.)

Me: “Um. Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

(I got dressed with record speed and somehow made it to the office right on time. After taking care of the paperwork, we found out that my coworker had come into the office bright and early that morning, super sick with the flu. One of the executives saw her, took one look at how sick she was, and told her to go home, promising to inform our supervisor what happened. He then waited to tell my supervisor until he overheard us worriedly discussing what could have happened to her, which was half an hour after I got to the office. They let me cancel my PTO for the day and count it as a day worked, especially once my supervisor found out that I had been casually answering emails before he called anyway.)

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(I am 23, at an interview for my job as a technical service rep for a copier company, which means I would go to the customers in the field to fix copiers. They have 21 people complete a written test. Of those, seven are chosen for interview and at the end, one is hired, all within the same day. Of the first 21, I recognize one of my former classmates, who was somewhat on the “wild side.” Since I’m fresh out of an industrial electronics course, the technical tests go easy. Then the interview: Two men are bombarding me with questions.)

Interviewer: “I have you and someone else, equal; I don’t know which one to choose. I go see one of your pals and I ask him why should I choose you over the other one; what would they answer?”

Me: *thinks for a moment* “Because I’m the best of the two.”

(It’s a job interview. You have to sell yourself. They silently take some notes. To me, it seems they simply want to know how sure of myself I am. That is fine. A few hours later, I get a call that I have the job. A couple of weeks later, I happen to see that former classmate. He comes to me and congratulates me on the job.)

Former Classmate: “Did they asked you that weird question about you and someone else being equal and stuff?”

Me: “Yes.”

Former Classmate: “What did you answer?”

Me: “That I was the best of the two. Why? What did you answer?”

Former Classmate: “I told them to ask me questions that made f****** sense.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Wow… Well, see ya.”

(About a week later, I happen to meet one of the men that was interviewing. I ask him if he remembers someone answering something like that to that question.)

Interviewer: “Yes, I do remember.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Interviewer: “We put our pen down, asked a few questions to be polite, and as soon as he left the room, we put his file down the trashcan. Can you imagine someone with this behavior dealing with customers?”

(For the record, I worked for that company for over ten years before being laid off following cutbacks. As for that other guy, although he had somehow managed to get a diploma in industrial electronics, he found a job as a janitor at the local mall.)

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