(A bear breaks into our basement. The only reason I know it is there is because the dog is going insane at the basement door. I go downstairs to see what he is barking at, and there is a bear sleeping in the corner. Where I live, animal control is only accessible through the police department. I pick up the phone and call 911.)

Dispatcher: “911. What is your emergency?”

Me: “A bear has broken into our basement and I need animal control to move it.”

Dispatcher: “So you have an intruder in your house?”

Me: “I guess you could call it that.”

Dispatcher: “Are you in a safe place?”

Me: “Uh, no. There is a bear in the basement.”

Dispatcher: “Are they armed?”

Me: “Uh, sort of. They have big teeth and really sharp claws.”

Dispatcher: “Can you give a description?”

(At this point I realize she is just following the emergency response card, and not really listening.)

Me: “Yeah, he looks like Smokey the Bear.”

(She never gets it through her head that we need animal control. Two officers arrive, with their hands on their weapons.)

Officer #1: “Where is the intruder?”

(I think to myself, “That figures. The moron forgot to tell him it’s a bear.” I show the officer the door. He comes back up looking as if he has seen a ghost.)

Officer #1: “Oh, you meant a bear bear?”

Me: “What kind of bear did you think I meant? A big, hairy, gay guy?!”

(Finally they called animal control, who sedated the bear and returned it to the wild.)

This story is part of our celebration of Not Always Right publishing over 100,000 stories!

This story is included in the roundup of Not Always Legal stories to toast this achievement!

<< Previous Story  |  Roundup  |  Next Story >>

(I work in a store. We sometimes take orders over the phone. To do this, you need to specify what you want and give a credit card number. Normal stuff.)

Customer: *on the phone* “I need to place an order.”

Me: “Awesome. Tell me what you would like to purchase, and I’ll get this started for you. The down payment will have to be credit card, since we are over the phone. Does that work for you?”

Customer: “Yes, of course.” *gives me the item numbers needed and personal information with no fuss*

Me: “Wonderful. Thank you, ma’am. Any item that is shipped in is non-returnable unless it is defective. If it’s been opened or used, we will not take it back. Is this acceptable to you?”

Customer: “Sure. That’s no problem. Thanks for all your help!”

Me: “Of course! Your total is going to be $360.94. I normally advise to put half down and pay the remainder at the time of pick up. All down is also fine.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Half down is just easier for most people and breaks up the lump sum–“

Customer: “No, you mean that I have to pay first?”

Me: “Yes, we do require at least half of the money be put down when ordered.”

Customer: “That’s absurd. I’ll just pay when I pick it up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to do that. I need to be able to put down at least half of the money.”

Customer: “This seems like a scam.”

Me: “I promise that it is not a scam. We require a down payment essentially as insurance. Ordering in items costs us money, so we don’t want to risk the item not being paid for.”

Customer: “I’m not comfortable with this. I’m not giving you my card number.”

Me: “Well, the other option is for you to come into the store and pay with either cash, check, or card.”

Customer: “I can’t. I work during your hours.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t have another option.”

Customer: “No, you are trying to scam me. That’s why you want my credit card number!”

Me: “I can assure you that I’m not running a scam. Your card information will go into our secure system, just like it would if I ran your card in the store.”

Customer: “I hate these credit card scams! Don’t call me again!”

Me: “Ma’am… you called me.”

(I am up at the front of the store on the registers, and my store manager is nearby. Our building is on the larger side. You’d have to yell pretty loudly to talk with someone at the back of the store from the front, which is why we use radios. As I am ringing up a customer, we hear someone sneezing from at least halfway back in the store.)

Unknown Person: “Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! AH-CHOO!”

(My store manager walks to the computer and picks up the phone.)

Store Manager: *on the overhead PA system* “Bless you.”

(The customer and I both start giggling, and we can hear someone, presumably the one who sneezed, crack up loudly in the distance. I soon find out who was sneezing.)

Coworker: *five seconds later over our radios* “Thank you.”

(My manager has just gotten a call that her daughter has been in an accident. She asks me to reschedule her appointments so she can go meet her family. At this point she doesn’t know much of what is going on because no one wants to tell her anything until she gets there. There is only one appointment left, and although it is five minutes from the appointment time, I am sure that just by saying the manager had an emergency the client will understand.)

Client: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, this is [Office]. I see here you have an appointment with [Manager] in a few minutes, but she’s asked me to call and see if you can drop off the information and she can work on it. Or, I can reschedule you for a later time; an emergency has arisen and she won’t be able to stay much longer.”

Client: “ARE YOU F****** KIDDING ME?! I set an appointment with [Manager] a couple weeks ago, and she waits until five minutes before the appointment to call to say she has an emergency?”

Me: “Yes, the emergency just happened and she needs to rush out of the office as soon as possible to deal with it, so she gave the opt—”

Client: “NO, THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. WHY IS [MANAGER] DOING THIS TO ME?! If I wanted to drop it off, I would have done so at the office that’s right next to me and not have driven this far for this! WHAT EMERGENCY DOES SHE HAVE THAT SHE CAN’T SEE ME?!”

(My manager and I are basically family, so I’m about in tears knowing there is nothing more I can do, and I’m still being yelled at by a customer.)

Me: “MA’AM, [MANAGER] NEEDS TO RUN OUT OF THE OFFICE BECAUSE HER DAUGHTER HAS BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT. CAN WE RESCHEDULE YOU FOR A LATER TIME?”

Client: “Sure, I’ll call and reschedule.”

(One of my coworkers who is trying to get information from the accident is within earshot of this conversation)

Coworker: “Does she feel like an a**, or what?”

(I am a student worker at a cafeteria at my college. It is my first time on the pizza cook shift, and my student manager is showing me the ropes.)

Student Manager: “[My Name]! What does this spray do?”

Me: “It makes the pizza not stick to the pan?”

Student Manager: “You’re not as dumb as you look!”

Me: “I’ll… try to take that as a compliment.”

Student Manager: “You should!”