(I am teaching summer school for students who failed Algebra 1. [Student] is a freshman girl with freckles and braces.)

Student: “I’m not going to need this. Why do I have to learn it?”

Me: “Well, if you go to college—”

Student: “I don’t need college for the job I want, so I shouldn’t have to be here.”

Me: “What job do you want?” *thinking I’ll come up with some use for algebra that at least vaguely relates to that job*

Student: “Well, it’s kind of exotic…”

Me: “Um… Maybe you shouldn’t tell me.”

Student: “Oh, no, it’s not like a stripper or anything.”

Me: “Uh… Okay.”

Student: “I’m going to be a dominatrix. I already have the outfit!”

(The store I work for is a little different in that we don’t hand-ring the stuff we sell; instead, the price gets hand-keyed in and classified into a department. If you were to purchase an item that was $19.99 from the home goods section, your receipt would show, “$19.99 Home Goods.” Because of this, we have a large problem with fraudulent returns where someone will purchase an item, slap the sticker on something we don’t sell, and then bring the unwanted item back in to return. All of the return cashiers, myself included, have gone through several meetings where if something just seems off, or if the item doesn’t look like anything we sell, then we should get verification from the department head first. It’s been a busy, stressful day where I have done way too many returns, following policy the whole time. As I have been employed here for a few years now, I know most of the stock we have. When it’s time for the department heads to come gather their returns to replace on the shelves, the department head storms over to me with a lamp I returned earlier.)

Department Head: “[My Name], did you return this lamp or did [Coworker who is currently on lunch]?”

Me: “I did. Why? What’s wrong with it? I inspected it thoroughly.”

Department Head: “Why didn’t you call me up here before you returned it?”

Me: “They had their receipt, so it wasn’t necessary to call you.”

Department Head: “And how old was their receipt?”

Me: “It was less than a week old; why does that matter? If it had been too old, it would have shown as non-returnable when I scanned the receipt in.”

Department Head: “Well, you had one pulled over on you. We don’t carry this lamp, so now I have to toss it out, and we lose that money.”

Me: “Since when do we not carry that lamp?”

Department Head: “We have never carried this lamp.”

Me: “Well, that is really crazy.”

Department Head: “I know my department! And I know we have never carried that lamp.”

Me: “Well, if that is the case, then this lamp has been frequently returned before.”

Department Head: “No, you’re the only one that has done that.”

Me: “Okay, for starters, I have only had a few bad returns, and that was shortly after I first started. And another thing: I sold this lamp only five days ago, to the people who returned it today. I remember it so well because I thought it was a very beautiful and interesting lamp. So, either it is a new item that you haven’t noticed yet, or someone else fraudulently returned it before I did so that I was able to resell it.”

Department Head: “You sold this lamp?”

Me: “Of course. I even had a conversation with the couple that bought it, as they weren’t 100% sure it would be a good fit, and I explained to them our return policy.”

(She turns around and stalks off towards her department. About three minutes, later she comes back to the front and I see her pull my CSM to the side. The two of them talk for about 30 seconds before she walks off again.)

CSM: *to me* “She said she carries that lamp, and it’s a brand new item that just came in on Thursday, so she hasn’t even seen it yet.”

(Thursday was the day I sold it to the couple.)

Me: “I wonder why she couldn’t just come over and tell me that.”

CSM: “Honestly, I think she was embarrassed.”

(I never did get an apology from that particular department head, but she has been a little nicer towards me since that interaction.)

(In the early 90s, my parents get their first home computer. The learning curve is rather steep. I’m in the middle of doing something when my father confronts me.)

Father: “You were messing around with the computer and you deleted Windows!”

Me: “I didn’t delete Windows.”

Father: “It’s not there anymore.”

Me: “There’s a tab that says, ‘Exit to Windows.’ Click that.”

Father: *leaves and comes back* “It’s not there! You deleted Windows.”

Me: “I’ll have a look in a second, and don’t bother Mom; she’s asleep.”

(Seconds later, I hear him in the bedroom, waking my mother up.)

Father: “[My Name] deleted Windows!”

(I took him to the computer and clicked on the “Exit to Windows” tab. Lo and behold, I hadn’t deleted Windows.)

(I work in the drive-thru, and at our restaurant, we give discounts to the employees of the hardware store we’re located in front of. Unfortunately, we don’t give them out through the drive-thru, only inside. I’m female, and the customer who just pulled up to my window is also female.)

Customer: “Oh, and I have my employee ID for the discount.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t give the discount for orders in the drive-thru, only inside.”

Customer: “I’d have to come inside? Why can’t you just give it to me? Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, it’s only for the inside, but I’ll ask a manager for you to make sure.”

(I call over my — male — manager by his name and ask him. He tells me what I already know and walks away.)

Me: “Yeah, he said I can’t give it to you.”

Customer: *begins shouting my manager’s name* “[MANAGER]! HEY, [MANAGER]! That’s his name, right? Can you go get him?”

(I get him, and he goes over to talk to the customer. I can’t hear their conversation, but I can see it. My coworker walks over to me and watches, too.)

Coworker: “Why is she tilting her head like that?”

Me: “She thinks she can flirt her way into getting a discount.”

Coworker: *bursts out laughing and walks away*

(Their conversation ends, and my manager leaves without saying anything. I walk over to the window and the customer looks very dejected. I look at the order screen and see that no discount was given.)

Me: “Okay! That’ll be [price].”

(I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I rebound into a pretty unhealthy relationship. He raises a lot of red flags on our first date, including the ultimate crime on this site of being rude to the waiter, but I don’t care. Two weeks later, I get laid off and go to his apartment, distraught and seeking reassurance.)

Me: “[Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: *muffled* “Oh, s***.”

Me: “Uh, it’s me, [My Name].”

Boyfriend: *opens door, sweating* “[My Name], what are you doing here?”

Me: “I just got fired… Who’s that?”

(I point to a shirtless man clearly trying to hide behind the couch.)

Boyfriend: “He’s, uh, my new roommate.”

(He lives in a pigsty that no one would pay to inhabit.)

Me: “Are you f***ing cheating on me? How could you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m not cheating!”

Me: “You were just having sex with another guy! How is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “We weren’t having sex; we were just [engaging in sexual act of sorts]! That’s not cheating; it’s microcheating.”

Me: “What the f*** is microcheating?”

Boyfriend: “[Popular National Tabloid] says it’s microcheating it you don’t have sex and just [engage in sexual act].”

Me: “First of all, that’s bulls***, and secondly, how is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “It’s microcheating! “

(Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet there. The kicker? I looked at the article, and his interpretation of “microcheating” was way off.)

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