Well, I Am Macro-Breaking Up With You
(I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I rebound into a pretty unhealthy relationship. He raises a lot of red flags on our first date, including the ultimate crime on this site of being rude to the waiter, but I don’t care. Two weeks later, I get laid off and go to his apartment, distraught and seeking reassurance.)
Me: “[Boyfriend]?”
Boyfriend: *muffled* “Oh, s***.”
Me: “Uh, it’s me, [My Name].”
Boyfriend: *opens door, sweating* “[My Name], what are you doing here?”
Me: “I just got fired… Who’s that?”
(I point to a shirtless man clearly trying to hide behind the couch.)
Boyfriend: “He’s, uh, my new roommate.”
(He lives in a pigsty that no one would pay to inhabit.)
Me: “Are you f***ing cheating on me? How could you?”
Boyfriend: “I’m not cheating!”
Me: “You were just having sex with another guy! How is that not cheating?”
Boyfriend: “We weren’t having sex; we were just [engaging in sexual act of sorts]! That’s not cheating; it’s microcheating.”
Me: “What the f*** is microcheating?”
Boyfriend: “[Popular National Tabloid] says it’s microcheating it you don’t have sex and just [engage in sexual act].”
Me: “First of all, that’s bulls***, and secondly, how is that not cheating?”
Boyfriend: “It’s microcheating! “
(Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet there. The kicker? I looked at the article, and his interpretation of “microcheating” was way off.)
This story is part of our Cheaters roundup!
Question of the Week
What is the absolute most stupid thing you’ve heard a customer say?
