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The Joy Of (Repeat) Checks

, , , | Right | June 29, 2009

Me: “Sir, your computer is all ready to go. We got all the viruses off of it.”

Customer: “Question: do you get viruses from looking at p*rno sites?”

Me: “Yes, sir, the majority of those sites contain viruses.”

Customer: “Hmm… well, then, I’ll probably be back here soon.”

It Just Jumps Off The Page

, , , | Right | June 25, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, [Copy Shop] Printing.”

Woman: “Yeah, I need to get something printed, and I just need to know if you can do it or not.”

Me: “That’s entirely possible. What is it you want to print?”

Woman: “Well, it’s something on a website.”

Me: “Hmm. Web-res graphics tend not to print well. You’ll want something at least 300 dpi. And web graphics are in RGB color, and we would need CMYK.”

Woman: “Oh. Well, if I show you the website, can you check?”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(She sends me to this website and directs me to a banner ad.)

Me: “Uh, you mean this advertisement that’s flashing at the top of the screen?”

Woman: “Yeah, can you print that? Like 1,000 of them so I can hand them out?”

Me: “But it’s animated. Even if the quality was good enough to print, I could only print one still frame… It wouldn’t be moving.”

Woman: “Darn it! That’s what my boyfriend told me, too! I just wanted to be sure.”

Some People Can’t Handle The Power

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My cable won’t stop changing channels.”

(I walk the customer through a basic re-set.)

Me: “Has that resolved the issue?”

Customer: “No, it’s still changing channels.”

Me: “Okay, you’re just watching it and it’s just randomly changing channels by itself?”

Customer: “Yes, when I press the channel up and down buttons on the remote, it keeps changing channels.”

Me: “…that’s the purpose of the channel buttons.”

Customer: “Well, how do I get it to stop changing channels?”

Me: “Stop pressing the channel buttons.”

Customer: *getting irritated* “But I want to press the channel buttons, but it won’t stop changing.”

Me: “If you don’t want it to change, stop pressing the buttons.”

Customer: “Oh… but how do I get it to stop?”

Me: “Put your remote down and don’t touch it.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Why would you have that button if it’s just going to change the channels?!”

Now In Original & Extra Bandwidth Flavor

, , , , | Right | June 23, 2009

(I work at a sandwich place, where we have signs up promoting free Wi-Fi. An uninformed lady comes into the store.)

Lady: *looking the menu over and over* “How big is the serving of free Wi-Fi?”

Me: “I’m sorry, can you say that again?”

Lady: “The serving of Wi-Fi; how big is the free portion? Can I pay extra and get a bigger one to share with my husband, or can we get two cups for free?”

Me: “The Wi-Fi is a signal for computers that can connect to the Internet wirelessly… It isn’t something edible.”

(She looked around for a long time, checked her phone, and then walked out.)

On A Tight Leash

, , , | Right | June 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my cable box is doing that tiling thing.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Let’s try and reboot the box. I need you to unplug it.”

Customer: “My wife is recording a show. Will that be affected?”

Me: “Unfortunately, yes. If you unplug the box, the DVR will stop recording.”

Customer: “Do you think I should wait, and call back later when it’s done?”

Me: *chuckles* “That depends on how much trouble you’ll get in with your wife.”

Customer: *laughs nervously* “Yeah, you’re right. She’ll lock me in the basement again… I’ll wait, thank you.”