Internet Snark Provider

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(It is the early days of the Internet. The Internet provider for which I work is fairly small and only provides dial-up service. Customers have the option of telnetting into a shell account to connect. We also provide Internet service for a couple of local Internet cafes.)

Me: “Welcome to [ISP]. May I help you?”

Cafe Owner: “Hi, this is [Cafe Owner] at [Internet Cafe]. I have a customer who has an account with you and needs help getting into their shell account.”

Me: “Sure, just put them on the line.”

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “No problem.”

(I walk her through the not-too-complicated steps of opening a telnet session and signing in. This takes quite a while, as the customer isn’t familiar with the process at all.)

Me: “And now you’ll enter your username.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Uh. Okay, well, it’s often the first initial and last name.” 

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “And then the password.”

Customer: “It’s not working.”

Me: “Are you sure you entered the password correctly?”

Customer: “Yeah. Oh, I know what it is. My account is at [Rival ISP].”

Me: “Sure. Uh, I’m not familiar with their information, but try [Rival ISP] dot net for the host?” *total stab in the dark*

Customer: “Oh, that worked. Great! Thank you so much!”

Me: “No problem, I’m glad to help. In the future, though, you might want to consider calling [Rival ISP] when you need help? They’re your provider and will have all the information you need.”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

(The customer abruptly flipped out on me, yelling and cursing, even though I had been nothing but polite throughout the whole transaction, and so had she, up until then. I had to put my manager on the phone, and he told her that she should have called her ISP in the first place!)

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Unfiltered Story #189047

, , , | Unfiltered | March 11, 2020

(I manage a shipping store and we get these calls pretty often)

Me: “Thanks for calling (store), can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to see how much it would be to ship something.”

Me: “Okay, no problem, do you have the zip code it’s going to, along with the package weight and dimensions?”

Customer: “… Um, no. I just need a quote for shipping!”

Me: “Well, unfortunately without any information to go off of, I won’t be able to give you a shipping quote.”

Customer: “I don’t know, it’s a small/medium size box, maybe weighs about 10 lbs, and say it’s going to San Diego or something.”

Me: “Okay, I can give you a rough estimate, but without knowing the exact dimensions or weight, I can’t tell you exactly what it would cost to ship.”

(Tells him it’s $__.__)

Customer: “Okay, that’s fine, I’ll be down in a minute.”

(Customer comes in with bigger box than was described over the phone)
Customer: “Hey, I think I just talked to you on the phone!”

Me: “Okay, let me see…”
(It measures way bigger and weighs about 35 lbs)
Me: “So, this is a bit bigger than what we talked about on the phone, so the shipping cost went up a little.”
(Tells him it’s actually $__.__)

Customer: “That’s ridiculous, how can it change that much?”

Me: “Well, you told me a totally different size over the phone, the actual size and weight is different, so the cost goes up…”

Customer: “Whatever.”
(He ends up just shipping the box, but he’s still angry about it)

Unfiltered Story #188414

, , , | Unfiltered | March 7, 2020

(I work at a hair salon and we just got a new shipment of straighteners to use on our clients, and I’m not quite used to them yet. I accidentally push a button and turn up the heat 20 degrees.)
Me: “Whoops! Didn’t mean to put it on 420.”
Customer: “Well, we wouldn’t want to blaze it.”

Unfiltered Story #187701

, , , | Unfiltered | March 2, 2020

I worked in concessions at a stadium for a professional sports team a few years ago. It is raining and a ton of people are loitering in front of my stand for cover. I’ve just returned from getting stock from another location and am drenched from head to foot. I notice a man, probably mid-30s, is sitting on the counter, blocking the register to the point that another guest is actually leaning around him to place her order.

Me: Sir, you can’t sit on the counter. Please get down.

Him: Are you joking? You must not realize that it is raining.

Me: (looking down at the puddle at my feet) Sir, I can assure you, I realize it is raining. You still cannot sit on the counter. Please, again, get down. We serve food here. And you are blocking the register.

Him: Fine. (He scoots over, out of the way of the register but does not get off the counter.)

Me: Sir, this is the last time I’m going to tell you. Get off the counter please.

Him: What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s raining! I’m not fucking bothering anyone.

Me: Have it your way sir. (I get on the radio.) Attention management, I need a manager and a uniform at [concession stand] as soon as possible please.

Him: What the fuck? Why are you calling the police on me? I’m not doing anything wrong you fucking bitch. You can’t tell me what to do.

Radio: Copy, this is [officer]. I’ve got this under control.

An older man steps around the corner. He is one of our undercover police officers. He blended in so well with the crowd that I didn’t even notice him when I returned a few minutes before.

Officer: Actually sir, you’re very wrong. You’re cussing this woman when she is just doing her job and believe me, she is definitely correct in telling you to get off the counter. It isn’t just that no one wants to buy food after your soggy ass is sitting on the service counter. It’s also a violation of Health & Safety standards.

Man: Fuck you old man. Mind your business.

Officer: (flashes his badge) This place is my business. Let’s take a walk.

A minute later, I hear another call over the radio.

Radio: This is [officer]. Cancel the call for management and a uniform to [concession stand]. The guest has seen the error of his ways and has decided to graciously apologize.

Sure enough, the man returned to the stand- drenched by the rain- and apologized. The defeated look on his face was priceless. I never saw him again.

Ordering Fish In Troubled Waters

, , , | Working | January 27, 2014

(I’m with a group of my friends and we’re ordering pizza over the phone. We have decided on one sausage pizza, and one pizza with anchovies because some of us like them. We are all about 16. I’m the one calling.)

Worker #1: “Hello. [Pizza Place]. What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi. I’ll have one large pizza with sausage and pepperoni, and one large pizza with anchovies.”

Worker #1: *pause* “Is this a prank call?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Worker #1: “Don’t try and prank me you stupid kids. I know nobody orders anchovies on pizza!”

Me: “This isn’t a prank. We want a large pizza with anchovies.”

Worker #1: *hangs up*

(I call back again. The same employee picks up the phone but I repeat my order anyway.)

Worker #1: “I thought I told you not to try and prank call us!”

Me: “This isn’t a prank call. Please, just get us our pizzas.”


(I hang up. At this point my friends have overheard the whole exchange and are laughing hysterically. I decide to call one more time. A different worker picks up the phone.)

Worker #2:“Hello. What can I get for you?”

Me: *repeats order*

Worker #2: “That will be [price]. It will be there in 15 minutes.”

(In the background I suddenly hear someone screaming.)


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