Just Say “Loan Approved” And Hang Up  

, , | Right | October 2, 2019

(Our company has a very similar number — the same number but in a slightly different order — to a popular banking institution. These kinds of calls are received on a daily basis. To get to my department, clients need to go through a full message which mentions our company name no fewer than three times.)

Me: “Good afternoon. You’ve reached [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “How are you?”

Me: “Fine, thanks, and yourself?”

Caller: “I’m good, thank you. My ID number is [number].”

(We get this fairly often, and while we do store ID numbers for security purposes, we can’t search by them. These clients are almost always looking for the bank.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We aren’t able to search for clients by ID number. Are you sure that you are phoning for [Company]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Great. Can you give me your full name?”

Caller: *gives name*

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t have any customers by that name. Are you sure that you are looking for [Company]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Can you let us know what services you have with us?”

Caller: “I applied for a loan with you.”

Me: “Sir, we are an Internet service provider. Are you not looking for [Cank]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “You have dialed the wrong number. This is [Company] not [Bank].”

Caller: “No, I called [eleven digit phone number].”

Me: “Sir, that is eleven digits. Phone numbers can only be ten digits.”

Caller: “But I got your number from your website.”

Me: “Yes, but you have dialed the wrong number. Dial again carefully.”

Caller: “No, this is [Bank].”

Me: “No, it is [Company].”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Sir, you have dialed the wrong number. Dial again carefully.” *hangs up*

(Two minutes later, my colleague picks up a call.)

Colleague: “Sir, are you looking for [Bank]?”

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Two Egg Rolls, Some Chow Mein, And A Cheating Husband

, , , | Right Romantic | September 25, 2019

(I work at a food delivery company. I receive this call.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to place an order. My number is [number].”

Me: “Right, that will be at [address]; is that correct?”

(There is a slight pause at this point.)

Customer: “Please repeat that.”

Me: “The address is [address].”

Customer: “Under which name?”

Me: “The name listed is [Other Customer] and the last order was on [date]. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “That’s the address of my friend.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. We can change that; where do you reside?”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “I’m phoning from my husband’s phone. There’s not supposed to be a listed address other than ours.”

Me: “I… I don’t know what to say.”

(I’m feeling awkward and I can hear the customer reaching the point of tears.)

Customer: “He’s cheating on me. I knew it!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s your fault! You took it to them; you should’ve let them starve!”

(She hung up and I was left confused and feeling responsible for some reason.)

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Someone Was Asking For It

, , , , | Working | August 14, 2019

(It’s some time before sunrise on a cold, rainy day. I decide to stop by a fast food restaurant on my way to work. While ordering, it seems to me that the lady on the microphone isn’t feeling too happy, and who can blame her with this weather? I decide to help out.)

Me: “Listen, can I buy you guys some coffee? How many of you are in there right now?”

Worker: “Really? There’s five of us.”

Me: “Okay, add five coffees to the bill. Enjoy!”

(She thanks me and everything proceeds as normal. But as I’m paying, the manager stomps up to the window, utterly livid. All but yelling, he points a stabbing finger at the worker.)

Manager: “Did they ask for coffees?!”

(I don’t figure out immediately what he is implying and wonder whether one of them may have wanted some other drink.)

Me: “Yeah, they all did.”

Worker: *suddenly struck with terror* “No! No!”

(I realize that the manager means whether the worker asked me to get them something in the first place, and I panic slightly, not wanting them to get into trouble.)

Me: “Oh! No, they didn’t ask first, I offered… Everyone looked miserable and I thought I’d cheer them up! On my own initiative! It was my idea!”

Manager: *crossing his arms skeptically* “Really. Okay, here’s your meal.” *hands me my meal* “Good-bye.”

(As I drive off, I look in my rear-view mirror to see the manager sticking his head out of the window, sneering, and shaking his head, before going back inside abruptly and slamming the window. I get that there may have been some earlier incident to bring on this hefty reaction, but wow, guy. I only hope the workers didn’t get into further trouble. What a way to start the week.)

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I Buy It, Therefore Everyone Else Must!

, , | Right | July 26, 2019

(I work for a pet food manufacturer, and we make a variety of pet foods. Of the food we make, we have one brand of cat food of which there are only four flavors. Two of these flavors have, unfortunately, been performing poorly, so the decision was recently made to have these flavors discontinued. For some reason, our customers have a very confused opinion of our food, and this is a call I frequently receive.)

Customer: “Hi. I can’t find your salmon flavor of cat food anymore; is there a problem?”

Me: “Hello. Yes, unfortunately, our salmon flavor cat food has been discontinued. This decision was made based on the rate of sales for the product, as well as extensive market research.”

Customer: “Rate of sales? That can’t be right! Every time I’ve looked for the product, the shelves have always been empty because it sells out so fast! That shows it’s so popular!”

Me: “Actually, it’s not available on shelves because, due to the low rate of sales, and customers not purchasing this particular flavor, stores have slowly stopped making it available, in favor of the other, more popular flavors that perform well.”

Customer: “Oh. Oh, I see.”

(How a product never being available translates into “super popular,” I will never understand. Other responses to the low rate of sales have been, “But that can’t be right! I buy two bags every month!”)

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Attack Of The Snail Spiders

, , , , , | Romantic | June 9, 2019

Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

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