Someone Was Asking For It

, , , , | Working | August 14, 2019

(It’s some time before sunrise on a cold, rainy day. I decide to stop by a fast food restaurant on my way to work. While ordering, it seems to me that the lady on the microphone isn’t feeling too happy, and who can blame her with this weather? I decide to help out.)

Me: “Listen, can I buy you guys some coffee? How many of you are in there right now?”

Worker: “Really? There’s five of us.”

Me: “Okay, add five coffees to the bill. Enjoy!”

(She thanks me and everything proceeds as normal. But as I’m paying, the manager stomps up to the window, utterly livid. All but yelling, he points a stabbing finger at the worker.)

Manager: “Did they ask for coffees?!”

(I don’t figure out immediately what he is implying and wonder whether one of them may have wanted some other drink.)

Me: “Yeah, they all did.”

Worker: *suddenly struck with terror* “No! No!”

(I realize that the manager means whether the worker asked me to get them something in the first place, and I panic slightly, not wanting them to get into trouble.)

Me: “Oh! No, they didn’t ask first, I offered… Everyone looked miserable and I thought I’d cheer them up! On my own initiative! It was my idea!”

Manager: *crossing his arms skeptically* “Really. Okay, here’s your meal.” *hands me my meal* “Good-bye.”

(As I drive off, I look in my rear-view mirror to see the manager sticking his head out of the window, sneering, and shaking his head, before going back inside abruptly and slamming the window. I get that there may have been some earlier incident to bring on this hefty reaction, but wow, guy. I only hope the workers didn’t get into further trouble. What a way to start the week.)

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I Buy It, Therefore Everyone Else Must!

, , | Right | July 26, 2019

(I work for a pet food manufacturer, and we make a variety of pet foods. Of the food we make, we have one brand of cat food of which there are only four flavors. Two of these flavors have, unfortunately, been performing poorly, so the decision was recently made to have these flavors discontinued. For some reason, our customers have a very confused opinion of our food, and this is a call I frequently receive.)

Customer: “Hi. I can’t find your salmon flavor of cat food anymore; is there a problem?”

Me: “Hello. Yes, unfortunately, our salmon flavor cat food has been discontinued. This decision was made based on the rate of sales for the product, as well as extensive market research.”

Customer: “Rate of sales? That can’t be right! Every time I’ve looked for the product, the shelves have always been empty because it sells out so fast! That shows it’s so popular!”

Me: “Actually, it’s not available on shelves because, due to the low rate of sales, and customers not purchasing this particular flavor, stores have slowly stopped making it available, in favor of the other, more popular flavors that perform well.”

Customer: “Oh. Oh, I see.”

(How a product never being available translates into “super popular,” I will never understand. Other responses to the low rate of sales have been, “But that can’t be right! I buy two bags every month!”)

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Attack Of The Snail Spiders

, , , , , | Romantic | June 9, 2019

Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

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The Terror Of Sports Fans

, , , , | Right | May 1, 2019

(There is a sports competition called Super Rugby, which features sides from Argentina, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa, with sides travelling to face each other over a period of a few months. All the matches are televised in all the nations. It’s Saturday lunchtime at the newspaper where I work, and the phone rings.)

Me: “Good day, [Newspaper].”

Caller: *who sounds a bit grumpy* “Why wasn’t the match between the Highlanders [another NZ team] and Christchurch Crusaders on this morning?”

Me: “The NZ Rugby Union cancelled it, sir, because of the terror attack in Christchurch yesterday.”

Caller: “But they are professionals; they should have played!”

Me: “…”

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Thinking With Your Brain By Landing On Your Butt

, , , , , , , | Learning | March 22, 2019

I teach at a Montessori school, and one day, I was standing by the classroom door watching and greeting the kids as they left for their next class. As they were walking, a little boy bumped into a little girl and she fell down, landing on her buttocks. This girl is a child who easily cries, and the little boy watched her as her face started to crumble.

Normally, what would happen: the girl would cry and most probably come and complain to me that the little boy pushed her and she fell and got hurt. I could see that it was an honest mistake that the boy bumped into her and in my mind, I had already started thinking about how I was going to handle the situation.

I’m not kidding about what happened next. The little boy looked me straight in the eye and, less than a second later, threw himself down on the floor, landing on his buttocks, as well. He got up, slowly rubbing his back, and went over to the little girl and held out his hand to help her up. He said, “I’m sorry, [Little Girl]. Seems like we bumped into each other. Oh, no!”

The little girl was definitely looking slightly shocked. but she took his hand, got up, dusted herself off, and said, “Oops, sorry!” They walked off, smiling and waving goodbye to me. I was standing there with a stupefied expression, wondering just what the heck had happened.

That little boy is a genius. He avoided a scene and he knew it. This incident took place in literally a few seconds. The intelligence of children never fails to amaze me.

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