Pimping Out Your Understanding Of That Word

, , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(I’m joking around in my bedroom with a friend and my five-year-old niece is sitting nearby, wanting to be one of the “big kids.” She’s usually very quiet and reserved, so it’s easy to forget she’s there.)

Me: “That guy is totally her pimp.”

Niece: “What’s a pimp?”

Me: “Uh… Pimp My Ride is a show that was on TV a long time ago. Basically, you take your car to these guys, and they make it look crazy.”

(I showed her some pictures to make my cover-up more credible. She was really interested and asked if she can watch some of the show. I agreed and showed her some clips. Now, she asks to watch “Pimp My Ride” every day, and she tells everyone with a car that they should get it pimped.)

Acting Like They Were Born Yesterday

, , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(My dog has just given birth to puppies. Two days later, when I take them and the mother to the SPCA — Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — to get checked:)

SPCA Person: “If you want us to check your dog who just had puppies, you need to supply a certificate to show she’s been neutered.”

Me: “…”

Let’s Vaguely Saunter Into The Sunset

, , , , | Romantic | November 7, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are cuddled up watching TV and playfully talking about eloping. I am notoriously lazy.)

Me: “Let’s run away together!”

Boyfriend: “You realise the word ‘run’ is in there, right?”

Me: “Never mind. Let’s brisk-walk away together!”

Boyfriend: “That’s still moving, my love.”

Me: “Fine, then carry me to the car so we can drive off into the sunset… with you driving. I’ll be by your side forever! Passenger side.”

Boyfriend: *laughing and kissing my forehead* ” You’re such a romantic!”

Me: “I try.”

Don’t Swallow It

, , , , | Working | October 25, 2017

(Some colleagues who like scuba diving are explaining it to the rest of us:)

Colleague #1: “You just have to remember that you can breathe underwater; don’t spit out your regulator no matter what, and then you are fine.”

Colleague #2: *non-diver* “What happens if you drop it?”

Colleague #1: “You have a spare clipped to your waist.”

Colleague #2: “So, when you put the spare back in your mouth do you just have to swallow the water?”

Colleague #3: “No, there’s a button that ejaculates the water.”

(The rest of us completely lose it.)

Colleague #3: “I think the word I was looking for was ‘evacuates.’”

One Would Be More Effective Than The Other

, , , | Learning | October 16, 2017

(I am listening to a talk show about Youth Day and the rights of children. Someone who sounds like an old man calls in:)

Caller: “Children have too many rights these days. They are rebellious, and don’t respect their elders. I think we need to bring back capital punishment in schools.”

Host: *long pause* “I think you mean ‘corporal’ punishment.”

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