Something’s Fishy With This Pensioner

, , , | Right | October 6, 2018

(I work at a fish and chips shop, and our special includes a pensioners’ fish and chips at a cheap price. A customer walks in.)

Customer: “I’m a pensioner, and I want one of your pensioners’ calamari and chips, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, the pensioners’ special only offers fish and chips, no calamari.”

(The customer goes on a rant saying he always comes here and always orders the calamari special. I show him on the menu a 1/4 calamari and chips for the same price.)

Me: “Is this the one you are looking for?”

Customer: “No! It’s the one with the calamari, fish and chips special!”

(My coworker and I are slightly confused, so I ask my coworker to handle him because I am getting irritated. My coworker sits him down gives him a menu. After a while, after I finish with another customer at the till, my coworker walks towards me rolling her eyes.)

Me: “What did he order?”

Coworker: “The same d*** thing that you showed him on the menu.”

Me: “The 1/4 calamari with chips?”

Coworker: “Yes, that one.”

(We both shook our heads.)

Gonna Put Them Down As Slightly Against It

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I work at a market research centre where we call people and do surveys. At the moment we’re doing ones on behalf of the local government about nuclear energy. It’s a pretty touchy topic with some people, as it’s about storing nuclear waste.)

Me: “Hi. My name is [My Name] from [Company]. The local government has commissioned us to get the views and opinions of the public on the nuclear industry. Would you be able to share your opinions?”

Resident: “No, I will f****** well not! I am totally against the government wasting their money to pay you to call us up to ask stupid questions! They should be spending that money on more health care for us!”

(At this stage, I go, “Thank you very much, then. Bye,” and hang up, but I am near the end of my tether.)

Me: “Sir, it’s just getting your opinions on the nuclear industry—”

Resident: “Well, I don’t f****** agree with it! They’re going to put it on our land and not even bother consulting us about it!”

Me: “Sir, that is the purpose of these surveys—”

Resident: “Oh, I don’t need a f****** high and mighty university student telling me what to do! A waste of f****** money, you are. You want to hear my opinion? The nuclear industry is a crock of s*** and they should be consulting with us! That’s my opinion! Tell the government that!”

Me: “Sir, if you don’t do the survey, then your opinion in this matter doesn’t count because I have no way to record it. And also, by doing these surveys, the government is trying to consult with you.”

Resident: “It f****** well better count! I have rights and I will be heard! The f****** government should get its head out of its a** and give more funding to us, ‘cause we need it more! And stop paying stuck up b****es like you to call us up for f****** surveys or whatever.”

Me: “Once again, your opinion does not matter since you’re refusing to take part in the survey. I’ve had enough of you. Good day.”

(I could hear him start to violently protest when I hung up. I’m glad I don’t work for commission and know I have the right to hang up if I wish.)

Have To Pause For “The Second”

, , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(This conversation occurs often. I accept inbound calls and have to verify personal information, including if a caller has family members who share the exact same name.)

Me: “Do you use a generational suffix with your name, such as Junior, Senior, the Second, or the Third?”

Caller: “MD.”

Me: “Yes, sir, but do you use a generational suffix like Junior or Senior? II or III?”

Caller: “MD.”

Me: *giving up* “Sir, do you have a father or son with the same first, middle, and last name as you?”

Caller: “Yes. My father and I have the same name, but we only have the same last name, different first name.”

Me: “That’ll do.”

They’re A Crafty Bunch

, , , , | Friendly | August 16, 2018

Friend #1: “I didn’t know there were this many white people in Durban!”

Me: “We’re at a craft beer festival.”

Friend #2: “It’s, like, their habitat.”

Careful, They’ll Be Watching You

, , , , | Working | July 2, 2018

(In our weekly lab meeting, one of my colleagues is presenting a complicated experimental plan with a lot of procedures over the course of several days.)

Boss: “You’re putting yourself at risk here by having so many steps. Every step you take…”

Me: “Every move you make?”

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