Not A Standardised Way Of Saying It

, , , , , | Learning | May 1, 2018

(In South Africa, the years in school used to be called, “standards,” like in Malaysian primary schools, but in the 1990s they switched to calling them, “grades,” like in the USA. My friends in this story are in their late 30s, so they would have been in school before the change.)

Me: “English is my home language; I only learned Malay in Standard One.”

South African Friend #1: “You have standards?”

South African Friend #2: “Hey, that’s not nice, to say she doesn’t have standards.”

Work For The Company For A Spell

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2018

(I work in a help desk environment, and the majority of the calls we get are for password reset.)

Me: “Help desk. [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Yes, I need my password reset, please. I can’t remember it.”

(I take the user’s details and provide her with a new password.)

Me: “The password is the name of the company you work for.”

Caller: “How do I spell that?”

Not A Very Meaty Proposition

, , , | Right | March 26, 2018

(I’m waiting for my cashier friend to complete his shift at a popular pizza takeaway. The menu contains a pizza with four meats on it: bacon, beef, ham, and chicken.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get a [Meat Pizza], please?”

Cashier: “Sure. Small, medium, or large?”

Customer: “Large, but can you remove the chicken, ham, bacon, and beef?”

Cashier: “So, you want a [Meat Pizza] with no meat?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Cashier: “Why don’t you order the margherita?”

Customer: “No, I want the [Meat Pizza] with no meat.”

Cashier: *utterly confused and now looking at me for answers*

Me: *blank stare*

Cashier: “But if I remove all the meat, it will be a margherita.”

Customer: “No, I want [Meat Pizza] with no meat.”

Cashier: “Okay.”

(My friend charges the customer for the [Meat Pizza] — which is $9, while the margherita is $3 — then asks the staff to make a margherita and hands it to the customer when it is ready. The customer opens the box and looks at the pizza.)

Customer: “Thank you.”

Me: “…”

Cashier: “…”

Unable To Nip That One In The Bud

, , , | Right | March 23, 2018

(I work in a liquor store. The store is laid out in a way that means I have to personally give the customer the item that they request. A “nip” refers to tiny bottles.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a nip.”

Me: “Okay, sir. A nip of what, exactly?”

Customer: “A nip.”

Me: “What kind of nip, sir?”

Customer: *points to the shelf*

Me: “So, a nip of vodka?”

Customer: *shakes his head*

Me: *trying to keep calm* “Brandy?”

Customer: *nods*

(The store carries roughly ten different brands of brandy.)

Me: “All right, sir. What kind of brandy?”

Customer: “A nip.”

Me: “Sir, I meant the brand.”

Customer: “A nip!”

(He passed out in the store before I could figure out what kind of brandy he wanted.)

Has A Sudden Lens Flare

, , , , | Healthy | February 15, 2018

(I have just moved to a new area, and I decide to try out the local optometrist to get new contact lenses. I book the appointment, and the doctor asks me to come in with my current prescription and their respective casings. The day of the appointment, I wake up with the most horrible stomach pain, but I decide to suck it up and go to the appointment. The doctor is very cheerful and friendly. She asks if I’m currently wearing my lenses while she looks at my old prescription, and I tell her I am. A few minutes into my eye test, she sighs in wonder.)

Doctor: “I don’t understand why your previous doctor has you on such a high prescription! You should be on a -1, at most!”

(I’m quite taken aback, as my previous doctor in my hometown is one of the most acclaimed optometrists in the country, and I have been wearing -3 prescription lenses for over a year without any problems.)

Me: “That’s really weird. I’m blind as a bat without these lenses. Even when I started wearing glasses, I was at least a -2.”

Doctor: “You shouldn’t be able to read this chart at all with your eyes. I’m really not sure what’s going on here.”

Me: *pause* “You are aware I’m still wearing my lenses, right?”

Doctor: “…”

Me: “…”

(Turns out we were having such a nice chat that she’d completely forgotten to ask me to take them out, and I was so focused on my stomach pain that I hadn’t thought to ask. We had a good laugh about it, and the rest of the test went smoothly! She’s one of the nicest doctors I’ve been to in a long time, and she gave me a good chuckle on a bad Monday morning!)

Page 1/41234
Next »