A Bad Idea For So Many Reasons

, , , , | Healthy | February 16, 2021

I’m training a colleague to work in a lab for rapidly spreading diseases. The standard operating procedures are slightly different than for some of the other germs we usually work with, including wearing extra Personal Protective Equipment on top of the usual kit. As we are about to exit…

Colleague: “I want to watch you disrobe.”

Me: “I think the word for PPE is ‘doff.’ ‘Disrobe’ sounds like we’re about to have sex.”

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Love The Way His Brain Is Fireworking

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2020

I am waiting to board a plane on 30th December, sitting next to a family.

Young Boy: “I’m glad we’re not flying on the 31st.”

Mum: “I’ve flown on the 31st of December before. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Young Boy: “I don’t want to get hit by a firework.”

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Another Person Who Shouldn’t Have Pets

, , , , | Friendly | December 3, 2020

We live on a smallholding and have four small dogs and a few chickens. Our dogs have been trained properly and leave the chickens all alone, and the chickens wander all over the whole freeholding — our definition of free-range chickens.

One day, I am working inside the house when I hear a commotion outside. I rush outside to see a big, strange dog, a cross between a pitbull and a staffie, busy killing a chicken.

We manage to get a hold of the dog, but by that time, it has killed three of our chickens already. We note that it does not have a collar or ID on. My wife goes to the shop and gets a proper harness for the dog.

We advertise on the neighbourhood social media groups with two clear pictures of the dog, but nobody responds. At the end of the day, we ask if anybody is willing to take the dog in until the owner can be found, but nobody is willing.

We manage to board the dog for the night, but in the early morning, it manages to get out, killing another chicken in the process.

My wife then takes it to an animal rescue, who takes the dog in. Initially, we think somebody dumped that dog in the freeholdings area since nobody claims to be the owner, and we’ve seen absolutely no posts or advertisements on social media regarding a missing dog.

A week later, we hear somebody is looking for a dog. We think nothing of it; we assume it is for another dog.

Two weeks later, my wife gets a call through a social media app where we posted about the dog.

Caller: “I just picked up my dog from [Rescue], and he’s been neutered! This is all your fault!”

He gave her all kinds of grief. We just blocked that person, as we were not in the mood for wasting any time. How anybody doesn’t notice their dog is missing for a week or so sure beats me.

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Can’t See The Forest For The Trees… That Have Leaves Now!

, , , , , | Related | November 21, 2020

My father picks me up outside school and drives me to his optician to pick up his first ever prescription glasses. He is a consulting doctor to several hospitals and drives thousands of kilometers every week. He comes back with his new glasses, gets into the car, and puts them on, and we pull into traffic.

Dad: “Oh, wow, look at that! That’s Table Mountain.”

Me: “Yes, Dad, it’s a 1000-meter-high, flat-topped chunk of ancient granite that you’ve lived next to for nearly fifty years.”

Dad: “Hmm… I can’t remember the last time it was so… vivid. Oh, look, that’s [Local Bakery where he used to buy bread].”

Me: “Okay, now you’re starting to worry me.”

Dad: “Wow, I’ve just realized how big you’re getting. Is that stubble on your chin? I… Oh, s***!”

And that’s when he drove into the back of the car in front of us because he was too busy looking at things he hadn’t been able to see in years to look where he was going.

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Not Able To Receive A Clear Answer

, , , | Right | November 20, 2020

I have to send a lot of deliveries by courier. We use an external courier service to make our deliveries, so we have to make sure we have the details they need in order for them to successfully deliver the parcels. These would be obvious things, such as your full name, a number for them to reach you on, and an address that you are available at to receive your parcel.

Me: “All right, ma’am, I can see about having this delivered. Please can I have your full name, address, and contact number for the couriers to reach you on?”

Customer: “It’s Mrs. [Customer’s Surname], my address is [address], and I’m only available on Tuesday for [one-hour opening] or Friday for [two-hour opening].”

Me: “Unfortunately, we will need your full name and a number to reach you on, and we are not able to schedule the delivery in such a tight window. We use an external courier service, and they may not be able to make it in such a specific time-frame. Could I maybe use a friend’s address, or a work address? We could even have your office receptionist receive it on your behalf if that would be easier; we would just need their name and number for the delivery note.”

Customer: “Fine. Please have it delivered to [Store]. My home landline number is [number] but I rarely answer.”

Why would you give me your HOME number if I’m delivering to a random store? And why say you rarely answer when you are expecting a delivery?

Me: *Sigh* “Thank you, ma’am, could you advise the name of the person receiving it for you, and their number, for the couriers to call before delivery?”

Customer: “Their number is [other number], and you can deliver it to [Employee], but he’s usually busy so don’t call him; just leave it with the lady assistant there.”

Me: “…”

I gave up at that stage. I just wrote “[Customer]/[Employee]/ Receptionist” as the recipient, and I’m hoping for the best.

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