An Ocean Of Grievances

, , , , , , | Right | January 22, 2020

I was skippering a large charter boat off the west coast of South Africa in the 1990s. We took a group of passengers up the coast and stopped off at an island overnight, where we fed them freshly-caught crayfish, BBQ, and all sorts of rich food. The party went on well into the night and many bottles of booze were consumed against the advice of me and my crew.

In the morning, the wind had changed direction and was picking up strongly. The sailing got rougher and rougher, and as captain, I decided to ask the passengers to stay below deck.

Suddenly, one of the passengers ran on to the deck to be ill and, understandably, given how ill he was feeling, had a little breakdown and started screaming abuse and demanding to be taken to shore. I explained that, as we were more than 30 miles from the nearest harbour, nothing could be done.

That’s when he crossed over to the dark side and threatened to kill us before trying to jump overboard to swim for shore. I caught him before he was over the railings and managed to pin him to the deck while he was screaming, trying to bite and punch me, and generally behaving like a crazy person. As I was holding him down, his girlfriend leapt onto my back, also screaming like a banshee, and started hitting me in the head with a shoe.

That’s when I decided I’d had enough and released my inner Captain Bligh, muscling both of them into the aft lazarette, a small stowage area on the boat, and locking them in the tiny enclosed space for the eight hours it took me to get them to shore. Their friends tried to protest and were informed that if they didn’t like it they were welcome to join them and so we sailed in solemn, bitter silence until we hit the wharf.

I released the wayward couple there and watched as they staggered to shore, covered in vomit, and stalked down the pier without a backward glance, never to be seen again.

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Some Dry Humor Could Have Saved The Day

, , | Right | January 16, 2020

(I’m the stupid customer in this story, unfortunately. I buy a mascara from a large retail store but when I get home and open it, it is completely dried out. I go to return it.)

Me: “Sorry, I bought this mascara yesterday and it’s completely dried out.”

Sales Person: “I’m so sorry! Do you have a receipt? Let me have a look and get a refund for you.”

Me: *hands over receipt and mascara*

Sales Person: “…”

Me: “…”

Sales Person: “This is a microfibre mascara.”

Me: “I don’t care what kind it is; it’s dry.”

Sales Person: “Um… it’s not an actual mascara. It’s microfibres that you apply to eyelashes along with mascara to add volume.”

Me: “But it’s dry.”

Sales Person: “It’s microfibres. Not mascara.”

Me: “…”

Sales Person: “Do you still want a refund?”

Me: *properly embarrassed* “No, it’s fine. I’ll keep it.”

(Fun fact: now that I actually know what it is and how to use it, it’s fantastic! My eyelashes look amazing when I use it.)

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DVDs In Disguise

, , | Right | December 29, 2019

Customer: “This Transformers movie doesn’t work. I want to return it.”

Me: “That’s not a movie; it’s a Nintendo 3DS game.”

Customer: “It doesn’t even fit in my DVD player!”

Me: “Well, it wouldn’t, because it’s not a DVD; it’s a 3DS cartridge.”

Customer: “So how can I watch it? I want my money back.”

Me: “I’m not refunding you because your game won’t work in your DVD machine.”

Customer: *curses* “Well, I’ll just buy movies somewhere else from now on!”

Me: “That’s a good idea, ma’am, because we don’t sell movies.”

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Karate Man Versus The Ninja

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

When I was in third grade, I often struggled to sleep. As most young kids do in that case, I would go to my parents.

I had not learnt how to tell time yet but knew that if the light in the hallway was on that at least one of my parents was still awake and in the living room. 

It was on. 

So, little, tired me walked into the living room — at what I later learned was 2:00 am — to see the back of my dad as he was turning off the TV and other devices. 

To get his attention, I tapped his shoulder.

His black-belt karate instincts kicked in and the only reason I wasn’t knocked out was that I was tiny. 

After much whisper-shouting, and after he realized that he had nearly punched his child, he finally got me to bed. I had to promise to always announce my presence from a distance and for a while carried the nickname of “Little Mouse.”

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Unfiltered Story #177736

, , | Unfiltered | November 19, 2019

Customer: Oh that is so cool! A whole rack of DVD’s!

Me: No not really, they are VHS video tapes.

Customer: Oh wow old tapes! Is that what we are listening to right now?

Me: No madam we are listening to a live band on stage right now.