We Know Where You Can Stick That Bucket

, , | Right | August 14, 2017

(I work as a travel agent and on Saturdays I work alone. I have just come back from the restroom and reopened the store when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Travel Agency]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Finally! I was wondering if you guys were open at all! I have called ten times already!”

(I can see on my screen he has only called twice before.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. I am alone and had to step out to the restroom for five minutes.”

Customer: “Don’t you have a bucket you guys can use to be close to the phone? Rather inconvenient for the customer to be kept waiting.”

Me: “Unfortunately, not all of us are barbarians that relieve themselves in buckets. Now, how can I help you?”

Customer: *hangs up*

Brush Off The Hearing Loss

, , , , | Related | August 12, 2017

(I’m playing with my two-year-old son when the following exchange happens.)

Son: “I want to play with the toilet brush!”

Me: “No! Yucky!”

Son: “The toilet brush! The toilet brush!”

Me: “I can’t let you. You can get sick.”

(Son runs to the main bedroom, which has an en-suite bathroom. I chase after him. My wife is in the bedroom.)

Wife: “Hey, what are you looking for?”

Son: “The toilet brush!”

Wife: “The story blocks? Sure, here they are!”

(Son happily walks out of the bedroom with his box of story blocks. I still don’t understand how I got what he said so wrong!)

Russian Coffee

, , , | Learning | August 10, 2017

(A few classmates and I are sitting in a classroom waiting for our lecturer. It’s a small early morning class. A cold front has just passed by and brought cold, rainy weather. The building we’re in is cool at the best of times and has no heating, which is common for buildings here since it’s so rarely needed. Needless to say, we’re all feeling a bit miserable. Suddenly, one classmate pipes up:)

Classmate: “You know, I brought a flask of vodka. That could come in handy right about now.”

(We’re all jokingly discussing how to distribute it among ourselves and have settled on adding it to coffee when the lecturer walks in. He’s caught the tail end of the conversation.)

Lecturer: “Vodka? At this time of the morning? In my class? Are you alcoholics?”

Classmate: “Not in class… and we’d be adding it to coffee. It’s just to warm up.”

Lecturer: “Do it now, on one condition: make me one as well.”

(And that’s how we ended up drinking in class…)

First Aid Was Thought Last

, , , | Friendly | June 20, 2017

(My sister, my cousin, and two friends come to visit me and we go to a nature reserve. My friend is using her army knife to chopping vegetables for dinner.)

Me: “Can I see your knife?”

Friend: “Yeah, here – oops!”

(The knife went point-down into my foot and must have hit an artery because the floor was covered in bright red blood in seconds. I quickly sat down and raised my foot in the air while the other girls scurried around grabbing towels to put pressure on it. Later, when we had the bleeding under control:)

Me: “Guys, we are a biologist, a rural social worker, an Army officer, a police employee, and an Outward Bound instructor — and nobody brought any first aid stuff?”

His Lack Of Computation Is Astounding

, , , | Right | June 1, 2017

(My first job in IT, around 1993, was in a small PC shop that did not have any field support for our clients but I did help out clients over the phone in order for me to decide whether or not they should bring in their equipment.)

Me: “Good day. Thank you for calling [Shop]. My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

Client: “I just bought this game and the music sounds extremely garbled.”

(It is one of the early Command and Conquer games.)

Me: “It should not sound like that. Have you tried reconnecting the speakers?”

Client: “Yes, I have done that and it still sounds like s***. But my other discs all sound fine.”

Me: “Would you be able to bring in your computer so that we can diagnose it on site?”

Client: “Unfortunately, I cannot as I don’t have a car and only ride bikes.”

(I remember that the client has signed up for our monthly newsletter.)

Me: “I see that you have signed up for our monthly newsletter and notice that your home address is on my way home as I live nearby. I am knocking off in about 15 minutes and can be at your home in another 10 minutes, so I can be there in 25 minutes. How does that sound?”

Client: “That sounds good.”

(I then knock off and get to the client’s house. He shows me to his study and he reproduces the steps that he had followed earlier. But the ‘device’ that he is playing the ‘computer game’ on is definitely not a computer. It is a hi-fi with a CD player.)

Client: “I heard from a friend that the music on the disc was awesome. Not scratchy and irritating like this.”

Me: “Well, sir, what you are actually listening to is actual computer data. Your hi-fi won’t be able to read the data properly and it is therefore spewing out this rubbish.”

Client: “Well, how do we then fix it?”

Me: “You would need to get a computer to play this disc.”

Client: “What the heck is a computer?”