A Moderately Terrifying Cycle

, , , | Legal | March 27, 2020

My dad is a big fan of bikes; he’s the kind of guy who has three bikes on the wall and is still searching eBay for a deal on more bikes. One day, he has gone to the local bike shop near our house to get one of his bikes fixed. He loads his bike back into the back of his truck and the repair guy asks if he wants to do a survey. My dad agrees.

After five minutes, he returns outside to find his truck has been busted open and his bike missing. He asks the bike shop guy if they have security cameras and they say no. Desperate, he goes to the biltong shop next door. (Biltong is South African snack food; it’s like dried meat sticks.)

After asking the guy if he has cameras, the man asks what was stolen. After my dad explains, the guy tells him to say he was in the biltong store instead of the bike shop, and then the guy calls someone. A few minutes later, a very buff man comes in and asks my dad what was stolen. My dad explains that his bike was stolen while he was in the shop and the owner tells the buff guy that they have a deal and they don’t steal stuff from customers of his store.

They argue for a bit and then the buff guy makes a call. Then, another guy shows up with my dad’s bike. The buff guy then asks my dad if he wants to beat this guy because he broke the rules! My dad says he just wants his bike back and, after a few rounds of, “Someone has to,” and, “Are you sure?” he hands my dad his bike. The buff guy says that the bike looks very expensive and he thinks he deserves a “reward” for getting it back.

The shop owner starts talking about their deal and the buff guy leaves. My dad takes his bike and goes home. In short, my dad accidentally discovered that our local biltong shop pays off criminals so they don’t steal from customers.

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Decoding Your Partner

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 13, 2020

(My partner is doing something involving computer code.)

Me: “What ‘cha doing?”

Partner: “Just a course on image analysis.”

Me: “What language is it in?”

Partner: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “English.”

Me: *laughing* “Man, you only know English; that wasn’t the question.”

Partner: “Oh! Matlab.”

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An Interesting Train Of Thought

, , , , , | Friendly | February 24, 2020

In many societies, people keep dogs as companions or burglar alarms but don’t train them to obey commands systematically. I grew up with dogs like this, but I am trying to train my current dog. One thing I’ve taught her is to sit at the gate before we go for walks so she doesn’t get in the habit of bolting through the open gate by herself. 

As we are going out one day, a random man is walking past.


The dog sits.

“Hawu, sisi! [Wow, sister!] Your dog can speak English?”

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It’s Becoming A Regular Problem

, , | Right | February 4, 2020

(In the store I work for, there’s a café area that has smoothies, cold teas, coffee, and the like. It’s across from where I usually stand as a cashier. Most customers either order first and then pay me, or they pay me and walk behind them to order. Sometimes, there is a wait because the café team is understaffed, and they all have plenty of other things to get done. Some people, mostly regulars, are less than understanding. A regular — usually a nice one that I talk to frequently when she’s in — is waiting by the café after paying. She’s been there maybe twenty seconds and has repeatedly claimed she is in a hurry.)

Regular: “Is this even open?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’ve already called someone up.”

Regular: “I hate the system here!”

(My coworker gets her drink. As the regular is leaving, she says more to me.)

Regular: “I hate the system you guys have here! It’s why I stopped coming back!”

(I’ve seen this woman very frequently throughout my working history there. The last time I saw her was two days before, where she complimented a dress I wore.)

Me: “You did?”

(She just scoffed and hurried out after that. Two days later, she was in again with her husband. They both complimented a necklace I was wearing that my mother gave me.)

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Unfiltered Story #184572

, , | Unfiltered | February 4, 2020

I’m the dopey customer in this one. I needed to replace my shower cubicle and decided to call up a few home depot stores that sold them, to get quotes. I started with one of the biggest in South Africa, whose main products were sanitary ware and accessories for bathrooms. They even had the word “bathroom” in their name.

Clerk: Good day, (company name), this is (name), how may I help you?
Me: Hi, can you put me through to your bathroom department please?
Clerk: I’m sorry? Which department would you like?
Me: *still not realising what I’ve asked* Your bathroom department please.
Clerk: … Ma’am, this is (company name). Our whole store is the bathroom department. What in particular do you need?
Me: *finally realising and bursting out laughing* I’m so sorry! I need to speak to someone about a shower replacement.
Clerk: *also laughing* ok, now we’re getting somewhere. Hold on please.