Booby Cancer: The One You Can Laugh At

, , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(I work in production for an extremely popular radio station; however, I occasionally fill in different roles when people are sick. On this particular day, I work production on the breakfast show, then answer phone calls at reception. This call comes through on the complaints line.)

Me: “Good morning. You’ve reached [Radio Station]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I would like to put in a complaint.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, sir. What would you like to complain about?”

Customer: “I was listening to your breakfast show, and I am horrified by the language you use at that time of morning!”

(I’m confused, because I listened to the entire show while producing.)

Me: “May I ask what was said?”

Customer: “’Breasts.’”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Your announcers were talking about some disease and they said it… AT 7:30 IN THE MORNING!”

Me: “Sir, the disease they were talking about was breast cancer.”

Customer: “I don’t care what they were talking about! It shouldn’t be said on-air.”

Me: “’Breast’ is the biological term for that area of the body.”

Customer: “Stop making excuses!”

Me: “Well, what would you prefer they be called?”

(The customer thinks for a moment.)

Customer: “Boobies.”

(I laughed so hard I had to hang up on him.)

Wish You Could Maintain Radio Silence

, , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I am a producer at an AM radio station that has an affiliation with a television news station. With a generally older listenership, this is an example of the kind of calls I get on a daily basis.)

Me: “[Station], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, is this [Station]?”

Me: “Yes, it is, sir. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, channel five is in Spanish”

Me: “Your television channel?”

Caller: “Yes. Can you fix it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I think you have the wrong number. This is the radio station”

Caller: “Yes, I know that. What I want is to know why they are speaking Spanish on channel five.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t think I can help you with that. You should try calling your service provider”

Caller: “I am calling my service provider. You control that news station with that weather guy. So, why can’t you fix my TV?”

Me: “We don’t control the TV station. We are a radio station.”

Caller: “Okay, put me through to the TV people.”

Me: “I can’t put you through to them. They are a different company. You have to call a new number. They only broadcast on channel ten, anyway; they can’t help you, either”

Caller: “Why can’t you just fix this?! Let me talk to your boss!”

Me: “Sir, I am the producer of this show. I’m the only person you can talk to right now; you called the hotline.”

Caller: “Jesus Christ! I’m writing a letter!”

Me: “Thanks for listening. Have a nice day.”

(Never did see that letter. He probably sent it to the TV station.)

Mismanaged Your Time

, , , , , | Working | September 13, 2017

(One summer, I do an internship at a popular independent radio station. We have gotten an interview with the lead singer of a reasonably popular British rock band. However, the band’s manager is a bit of a pain to deal with, and has a tonne of demands in regards to content that he is always changing. The DJ tells me this is the norm in this business, but this guy is just obnoxious. Each time he calls, he acts like he is doing us the world’s biggest favour. Not long before the interview, he calls the umpteenth time.)

Band Manager: “Now, listen here. [Singer] has a VERY busy day today, and you cannot keep him on the line a minute longer than necessary. Got it?”

Me: “Oh, yes, there’s nothing to worry about. [DJ] should be done in under 15 minutes.”

Band Manager: “There are to be no personal question about him or the band; is that clear?! He isn’t here to answer silly questions”

Me: “Don’t worry; we have a bunch of questions about the new album coming out, and that’s all we’re concerned with.”

Band Manager: “Make sure you do.”

(With that, he just hangs up. The interview goes very well, and the singer seems pleased with the questions the DJ asks about the new album.)

DJ: “Thanks so much for joining us, [Singer]; I hear today’s a busy one for you.”

Singer: “Oh, not really. I’ve been just chilling and playing [Video Game] today. I’ll probably stroll down to [Bakery] in a bit. Easy day.” *chuckles*

(The DJ and I were both fighting hard not laugh at this point, since this guy basically revealed his manager was lying. We could imagine the embarrassed look on the manager’s face when he said that. That was the only time we had this band on our show; we think the manager was too embarrassed after that one.)

How Not To Be Stern

, , , | Working | August 16, 2017

(The morning show host at my radio station has seen that Howard Stern movie one too many times, and as such, believes the key to being a great radio announcer is being hated. He goes out of his way to be as unlikable as possible, antagonizing anyone he can: listeners, coworkers, the boss. One day, I come into work to see that he’s cleaned out his office.)

Me: “Hey, [Morning Guy], why is your office cleaned out?”

Morning Guy: “I just got a job at [Other Radio Station]. When the boss comes in today, I’m going to give my one month’s notice. I have no doubt that they’re going to turn around and fire me as soon as I give it in.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Morning Guy: “Because they did it to [Former Coworker].”

Me: “Dude, that was different. [Former Coworker] was a jerk, and he turned into a total a**-hole after he turned in his notice. But you… the boss loves you, for some reason.”

Morning Guy: “Nope. I’m a much bigger a**-hole than [Former Coworker] ever was. Just you wait and see. As soon as I give my notice, they’ll have security escorting me to the door.”

(Later that day, the boss comes in, and the morning guy goes in to deliver the news. The boss closes the door, they have a long meeting, and the morning guy eventually comes out, just stunned.)

Me: “So, are you fired?”

Morning Guy: “No…”

Me: “Then what happened?”

Morning Guy: “They offered me a raise to stay.”

(He went back to his empty office, just flabbergasted, muttering about Howard Stern and how the boss is supposed to hate him. Never have I seen a man work so hard to be unlikable, and fail!)

Too Much Effort For A Keyboard Warrior

, , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(This is a discussion I have with a listener on my station’s Facebook page.)

Listener: “You’re the worst radio DJ ever, and I’m going to do everything it takes to get you fired!”

Me: “In that case, you’ll need my boss’s phone number, so you complain about me directly to him. You can reach him at [Head Office’s phone number].”

Listener: “NO!  Complaining on Facebook is easier!”

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