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Some Off-The-Cuff Remarks

, , , , | Friendly | February 17, 2018

(It’s my first time at my friends’ place. They are keeping cute little corn snakes as pets. I love snakes, but I’ve never had the chance to meet one, not counting zoos, so my friends offer to let one snake crawl on me.)

Friend #1: “[Snake] is very friendly; just try to be calm.”

(Inexperienced as I am, I worry that the snake might fall easily if I don’t offer my arms as “tree branches” quick enough, while it curiously crawls onto me. It grabs my first hand and arm and looks for the next point to hang on, so I quickly offer my other hand as well. As the snake wiggles around my hands, I notice that it wasn’t such a clever move on my part, as even such a small snake is quite strong, and now it clings to my wrists, holding up its cute little head between them with a proud face that says, “Me is best handcuffs!”)

Friend #1: “He’s a captivating personality, isn’t he?”

Friend #2: “You two really are bonding!”

(For those who wonder, the snake released me after due admiration, and we spent the next few days observing each other curiously.)

A Beard To Be Feared

, , , , | Working | February 14, 2018

(My boyfriend does some photo modelling on the side to help pay for university, mostly ads or brochures for local businesses. Since beards are currently in high-demand for male models, he’s been wearing a full beard for a few months now. A while ago, he did a photo shoot for a local country hotel, for an ad for their new spa area. Because the date of the photo shoot had to be postponed several times, they offered him a gift card in addition to his pay, which he saved for taking me to dinner on Valentine’s Day a couple of months later. We’re both adequately dressed, but as soon as we arrive, the head waiter gives us a strange look.)

Boyfriend: “Hi. We have a reservation for two today under the name ‘[Boyfriend].’”

Waiter: “Yes, I’m sure. However, there’s a little problem with this.”

Boyfriend: “Okay. What is it?”

Waiter: “You see, today is Valentine’s Day. A lot of people are taking out their wives or husbands for dinner, and it’s a very formal event for us. We’re trying to make this a very special evening for our guests. Because of this, we don’t want our guests to have to put up with… well…” *gesturing a full beard with his hands* “…certain sights.”

Boyfriend: “I see! In that case—” *gesturing ‘wait a second’ with his fingers and taking a stack of advertising brochures from a nearby stand* “—you’d better get rid of these!”

(He unfolded a brochure, and on the first page there was a picture of him relaxing in their state-of-the-art whirlpool. While the waiter turned fifty shades of red, we turned around and left, and instead went to a pizza parlor near our apartment. We had a lovely evening laughing about the ignorant waiter.)

Manage For Years To Come

, , , , , | Romantic | December 6, 2017

My husband works in a different town and only comes home on the weekends. He’s been doing that for over ten years now, and I am completely in charge of our seven-year-old son when he’s not around.

Last month he decided he needed a bit of time off, so he took a month of vacation; he’d accrued three months’ worth of days off to use. At the end of the month at home, he said to me, “You know, I’m glad I had this time off. Now I know you can manage our son all by yourself.”

Really? It only took him seven years to figure that out?

Sickening Lack Of Attentiveness

, | Healthy | November 22, 2017

(I’m staying at the hospital because of an exploded appendix. Unfortunately, the surgery goes wrong and I end up with several complications. One of them includes not being able to hold any liquid, not even the liquid my stomach produces. So despite not eating or drinking anything, I spend several days (around a week) vomiting up green goo until I finally manage to get that under control. A few days later, I’m chatting with a nurse when I suddenly feel the need to barf again! Thankfully, there’s a vomit-bag sitting right next to the nurse.)

Me: *with some urgency* “Can you please give me the vomit bag?”

Nurse: *shocked* “What? I thought you were done with that?”

(At this point I’m afraid that if I talk any more I will just start projectile vomiting so I just stare at her, hoping she’ll get the hint. But the nurse just stares back at me for what seems like an eternity, expecting me to answer the question.)

Me: “Quickly!”

(The nurse finally scrambled to get the bag, but by the time she got it, I’d already started vomiting all over the floor. I sure hope she’ll be more attentive in the future!)

Principal Needs To Get With The Program

, , , , | Learning | October 18, 2017

(It’s back-to-school week, and we parents are all listening to a presentation by the teachers about what the school year will be like for our kids. One of the parents asks what the program is like, and the principal replies.)

Principal: “You can go see on our website. We have all the program detailed there in really simple terms, using words even you can understand, as parents: nothing too complicated, no difficult words…”

(She went on and on, explaining how they dumbed down the vocabulary for us. This is a private school; all the parents are high-powered CEOs, bankers, and doctors. I had a good laugh.)