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Starting A New Year’s Resolution Early

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2020

I happen to be in London during New Year’s Eve. I decide if I’m ever going to do the big fireworks thing, this will be the time, so I get tickets for the show. You have to get there about three hours early for your designated spot on the river.

I’m standing there, waiting for the show, when I notice a man and woman next to me. It kind of looks like he’s leaning into her as she speaks into his ear, which makes sense since there is some loud music. But then, I realize he’s using her HAIR as a scarf to protect his face from the cold, as it’s cold and we are getting a breeze from the river. I feel terrible for him since there are about two hours until the show.

Me: “Hey, man, do you want to borrow my scarf?”

Man: “No, that’s okay.”

Me: “Okay, if you’re sure. Can I ask why you don’t have a coat?”

His girlfriend gives me a look that says, “Oh, we have so been over this,” that makes me laugh inside.

Man: “Well, I thought we were going to a club after, and I didn’t want to carry around a coat.”

I let a little more time go, but he starts to shiver. I start unwrapping my scarf.

Me: “Are you sure that you don’t—”

Before I can even finish the sentence, he grabs the scarf out of my hands.

Man: “Yes, please!”

He used the scarf until the end of the show and then we wished each other a happy new year. Sir, if you are reading this, please know that I smile a little whenever I think of this story and it reminds me to be a little kinder to everyone around me.

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged By The Same Standard… Jerk

, , , , , , | Working | December 14, 2020

I do volunteer work in a food pantry, and it’s the day of the annual big lunch with the volunteers from the different food pantries of the department and the departmental headquarters.

During the preparation of the meal, there are, among others, our buyer, the person in charge of training courses, [Volunteer], and me.

Buyer: “What do you do?”

Me: “I prepare a meatless starter.”

Buyer: “Why? Are there vegetarian people here?”

Volunteer: “Yes, me.”

Buyer: “So, you are one of those people who break the windows of the butchers’ shops!”

We are shocked, but [Volunteer] and I are in our twenties and our buyer is in his sixties, and here, there is a “let’s respect our elders” mentality.

Volunteer: “No, I’m not one of the extremists.”

A little later, we are having lunch.

Buyer: “Ah, but the kick scooters, I don’t understand! It’s a means of transport for the bobos!”

The person in charge of the training courses is older than the buyer and is not a vegetarian.

Trainer: “So, it’s you who puts paint on the QR codes of the self-service electric kick scooters to prevent them from unlocking!

The media has been reporting these acts of vandalism.

Buyer: “Nonsense! Why do you say that?”

Trainer: “Since you thought that vegetarians were necessarily people who broke butchers’ windows, I thought that those who criticised the kick scooters were necessarily people who vandalised them.”

Our buyer stopped criticising vegetarians and people on scooters.

No Pay, No Way

, , , , , , | Working | CREDIT: cptdarkseraph | October 26, 2020

I work for a company that is often visited by journalists. As I am the spokesperson for the company it’s my job to show them around, explain things, organize media conferences, etc.

There are sometimes weeks with no visits at all and then days with three journalists wanting to visit, meaning long days for me. I am fine with that but this also means that I use my car quite a lot. No worries, I like driving my car and I get a certain amount of money per driven kilometre that more or less covers the cost of the gas I use.

Since the company desperately needs to save money they decide:

Boss: “No more money for car trips inside the country; use public transport. We’ll pay for the yearly bus ticket.”

Me: “I probably won’t be able to make as many appointments. Also, if you count the cost of the bus ticket plus the additional time for travel it’s bad maths for you.”

Boss: “I don’t care.”

Fine with me. I cancel the contract for my parking spot which I had to pay for myself anyway, so I can save some money.

The new rule comes into effect, I have my bus ticket and start coming to work by bus. On the second day I do this one of the project managers I am organizing a media conference for walks in.

Project Manager: “I changed plans for tomorrow. You need to pick up a few things before the press conference.”

Me: “Sure thing. Since the conference is quite early can you send our intern with me to pick it up?”

Project Manager: “Why? It’s not that much to pick up.”

Me: “I know but it’s too much to carry by myself. Since I’ll have to change buses at least once it’d be a lot more efficient, and the conference is too early to make the trip twice.”

Project Manager: “Just use your car.”

Me: “Since you won’t pay for gas anymore I will not do that. Plus I cancelled my parking spot here already.”

Project Manager: “Do you really have to start your green experiments in a month like this?”

Me: “Go talk to the boss. It’s his decision, not mine, I told him this would happen.”

Two days later we are back to getting money for gas, but the project manager had to use his own car to go get those additional things. Since my parking space was already rented out to another person I still came to work by bus and if there were a lot of appointments I just had them pay for the daily parking as well!

A Cotton-De-What-Now?

, , , | Right | September 28, 2020

I am a volunteer at an international dog show. I’m working on the door checking papers for the competing dogs and selling tickets. There are several hundred dogs signed up from every breed there is.

Attendee: “We’ve come to see our friend show his dog. Can you tell us which ring he’s in?”

Me: “No problem. What kind of dog does he have?”

I have a programme so I can find out what ring from the breed.

Attendee: “It’s at eleven.”

Me: “There are several different breeds showing at eleven. What dog does he have?”

There are eight rings with at least two breeds scheduled at eleven in each.

Attendee: “It’s Dixie.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that breed. Let me look it up.”

She is getting even more impatient as it’s minutes until eleven.

Attendee: “It’s at eleven and it’s Dixie.”

Me: “I can’t find a Dixie.”

Attendee: “The dog is called Dixie.”

Me: “Well, I need to know its breed to find out where it is.”

She looks at me like I’m crazy.

Attendee: “It’s Dixie. She’s a Cottondetully thingy.”

I look through the book and find Coton de Tulear.

Me: “Okay, ring seven.”

Attendee: “Finally!”

A Peaceful Resolution Is Music To Our Ears

, , , , , , | Working | September 14, 2020

I’m working as a server for a caterer. We’re at a wedding that he’s catering and the band is playing painfully loudly. At one point during the reception, the caterer notices the father of the bride looking upset and goes over to check what the problem is.

Caterer: “Is something wrong, Mr. [Father]?”

Father: “Yes, I told the band when I booked them that I didn’t want loud music. I just asked them to turn the volume down and they refused. They won’t even listen to me.”

The caterer walks over to the band and unplugs the loudspeakers. The members of the band start to get verbally belligerent with him, but the caterer merely points to the father of the bride and starts to speak.

Caterer: “You see that man over there? He’s the one paying for your services tonight. If you want him to sign your cheque, then I suggest you do as he asks and turn the volume down.”

Point made. The band backed down, and the volume of the music was lowered, to the relief of the guests and workers alike.