I used to work in a pretty nice pet store that, like many others, sold betta fish. Once a week or so, we’d switch all the bettas from their old, dirty cups into clean new ones. As anyone who’s had fish or worked in a pet store can tell you, catching a slippery little fish in a three-inch-by-three-inch cube is surprisingly challenging.

One evening, I’m moving the fish into their new cups, and one is being just PARTICULARLY difficult. At this point, I think it’s only my coworker and me in the store. I’m muttering to myself as I chase the fish with the little net scoop.

Me: “Get in the net… in the net… in the net… in the— I AM YOUR GOD, FISH!”

I hear unfamiliar laughter behind me and freeze. Slowly, I turn around and see a customer I hadn’t noticed standing at the cash register, obviously amused by my little outburst. My coworker is grinning at me. I’m a little embarrassed, but I laugh.

Me: “Well, it’s true!”

Customer: “No, no, I get it. it’s just really funny!”

All bettas were eventually successfully transferred to clean cups without further incident.

I am making up bags of sliced lunchmeat for our grab-and-go area. While I am weighing and pricing them, the scale spits out a tag giving one of the bags the price of six dollars and sixty-six cents.

Me: “Look, it’s evil ham!”

Boss: “Change that!”

I take out a piece of ham to change the price. I weigh it up again. The printer on the scale promptly jams.

Me: “It’s cursed ham!”

I am teaching a fairly rowdy class of Year Nines (fourteen-year-olds) how to do average speed calculations.

Halfway through an explanation, one of the kids puts his hands up. 

Student: “Miss, I have a question!”

Me: “Okay, what’s up?”

Student: “If the shop is two miles away, and people walk at three miles an hour… why has it taken my dad seven years to go buy his tabs [cigarettes] and he’s not back yet?”

I lasted three seconds before I cracked up.

His dad still lives at home; the kid just likes to wind me up!

In the early 2000s, there was a European airline that only operated for about two years. They had really cheap flights between England and Germany.

In 2004, I travelled with them from Manchester to Munich. The plane was delayed in Manchester for about two hours. When we reached Munich, there was an announcement by the pilot.

Pilot: “Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly land in Munich. As you know, there was a delay at Manchester, but due to my superior airmanship, we have made our original arrival time.”

It made my day, and I hope he went on to better things when the airline folded later that year.

I’m a high school teacher. Throughout distance learning, one of my students became infamous for “being on mute” when he started talking. It started as simple forgetfulness, but the kid realized he could make a game out of it, so as time went on, it turned into an annoyance as he pressed his luck longer and longer before “realizing” that he was still on mute and “apologizing for his forgetfulness”.

When we finally get back to in-person learning, I spend the first day on a simple discussion on classroom expectations now that we’re all in the same room again. As I go over each expectation, I give the kids a chance to ask questions and discuss why that expectation is in place. Eventually, the “forgetful” student raises his hand for a question.

Me: “Yes, [Student]?”

[Student] moves his lips but doesn’t make a sound.

Me: “[Student]… I’m going to give you one chance to answer. Did you actually lose your voice, or are you just playing games again by pretending you’re on mute?”

[Student] thinks for a few seconds, and then responds in a perfectly clear voice.

Student: “Well… you caught me. I just wanted to see what would happen.”

After allowing the class to giggle for a moment, I got their attention back and told everyone that while it was funny this time, those kinds of antics would not be tolerated in the future.

So far, nobody has tried it again, and with distance learning moving farther and farther into the past, I’m hoping it’ll stay that way.