Why Don’t You Call The Cops On ‘Em

, , | Right | August 30, 2008

(The number to our police department is only one digit off from a doctor’s office, so we often get wrong numbers.)

Me: “Police Department.”

Caller: “My doctor wrote a prescription for me for an X-ray and I need to make an appointment.”

Me: “Okay, and how can the police department help you?”

Caller: “Police department?! I was calling Dr. [Name]’s office! How DARE you answer his phone!”

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Now Playing: Busted

, , , , , , | Right | July 24, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Movie Theater]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Two for [R-Rated Movie].”

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have any.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you any tickets.”

Customer: “But I’m 17! I’m allowed to see it!”

Me: “Not without an ID you aren’t! And even if you had an ID, I could only sell you one. You have to be 21 to buy more than one.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! Look, I drove here today!”

(At this point he flashes Daddy’s Mercedes keys in my face to “prove” he drove here.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You drove your Mercedes here without any form of ID, including a driver’s license?”

Customer: “YEAH! WHAT OF IT?!”

Me: “I’m sure the Raleigh Police Officer standing right behind you would love to have a word with you.”

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Your Urgency Is Not My Emergency

, , , | Legal | June 1, 2008

Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.”

Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.”

Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.”

Caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.”

Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.”

Caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!”

Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.”

Caller: “Well, that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?”

Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.”

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Just Another Day In Stonerville

, | Right | March 20, 2008

I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4pm on Saturday when I get this call.

Me: “Welcome to [sandwich shop], this is Molly. How can I help you?”

Stoner 1: “Hey… yeah…”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Stoner 1: “What?”

Me: “Would you like to order something?”

Stoner 1: “Yes…”

(After about two minutes of silence…)

Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”

Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”

Stoner 1: *tells me his order*

Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”

(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)

Stoner 2: “Cookies!? Where?”

Stoner 1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”

(Now I can hear Stoner 2 grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)

Stoner 2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”

Stoner 3: “Four cookies! I want two!”

Stoner 2: “SIX COOKIES!”

Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”

Stoner 2: “Yeahhhhhh.”

Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”

Stoner 2: “Delivery…” *gives address*

Stoner 1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”

Stoner 2: “Sh*t! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”

(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)

Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”

Stoner 2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”

Stoner 1: “Dude, she means the police!”

Stoner 2: “SH*T!” *click*

(We ended up delivering to them anyway, because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)

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Thankfully, He’s Okay … Unfortunately, He’s Still Stupid

, | Right | February 4, 2008

Me: “911, is this an emergency?”

Caller, screaming: “I have been trying to call you on the CB radio for an hour!”

Me: “We don’t monitor CB radio, do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “Of course you have CB radio, I see the cops talking on them all of the time!”

Me: “Those are police radios; they operate on a different radio frequency band. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “F*** you! F***ing lazy b*****d, this lady’s house is burning to the ground while you watch Showtime and ignore the CB!”

Me: “What is your location, sir?”

Caller: “I am–”

(At this time I hear a large BANG and the phone drops. A few moments later the man picks up the phone and tells me that his truck was fully involved and that was his tires exploding. He had parked his truck at the door of the house to load belongings while he tried to call on his CB. Both the house and truck were a total loss.)

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