You Look Like Living Death

, , , , , | Working | June 10, 2019

(I am a woman in my 30s, picking up a framed photo of the extended family.)

Store Employee: “Nice picture! Is it for a family party?”

Me: “Yes, actually! It’s the great grandfather’s 90th birthday.”

Store Employee: “Those are some good genes!”

Me: “They sure are! He is actually my husband’s grandfather, though.”

Store Employee: “So, he’ll be the one to bury you, then.”

Me: *confused pause* “I… guess… so?”

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No, But There Is One In New York

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(Our hotel has free unlimited international calls, but once a guest has called someone through the phone in their room, the number that is displayed on the receiving end is the hotel’s own number. Thus, it happens sometimes that people call our hotel after they have missed the initial call. One day, a man calls our hotel. I can tell that he is calling from a different country.)

Me: “[Hotel]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Did you call me?”

Me: “Oh, no, sir. If one of our guests in the hotel calls you, you’ll see our number. Do you know of any friends or family that are visiting Jerusalem right now?”

Caller: “Jerusalem? No… Is that in Canada?”

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Might Be Hiding A BB Gun

, , , , , , | Working | August 1, 2018

(I am in the military. I am temporarily assigned to another unit, which requires me to report to another base. As I am the only person from my unit going there, no transportation is provided, and since I don’t have a car, I am traveling by bus, with all my usual equipment. I get off the first bus outside of Jerusalem’s central bus station and head inside to catch the next one I need. This being Jerusalem, the security is tight. The following ensues at the entrance:)

Security Guard: *to me* “Sir, I need to inspect your bag.”

(I show him my military ID, which is usually enough to avoid the hassle. Not this time.)

Security Guard: “Sir, I still need to inspect your bag.”

(I look down at myself, then at my sports bag.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight… I’m in full military uniform, which you can see. I’m carrying an assault rifle on a sling, openly, which you can see. There are a couple of ammo mags hanging on my belt, which you can see. My full combat vest, a helmet, and several more mags are wrapped around the outside of my bag, which you can also clearly see. And with all this in plain view, you are suspicious of what I may have inside my bag?”

(Yes, he still made me open the bag.)

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Now I Want One Of Those

, , , | Right | May 24, 2018

(I am sixteen years old, and I just moved from New York to South Carolina. I still have a heavy New York accent, and I’m a fast talker. I work in a restaurant with coupons for free souvenirs: a cup, a lighter or a koozie.)

Customer: *with heavy southern accent* “This coupon here says I get a free gift. What’s my free gift?”

Me: “A cup, a lighter, or a koozie.”

Customer: “What’s a cupalighter?”

Me: “No, a cup, a lighter, or a koozie.” *trying to speak slower*

Customer: “I know what you said; what’s a cupalighter?”

Me: “Sigh. A cup. OR a lighter. Or a koozie.”

Customer: “Oh! You ain’t from around here are you?”

Me: “No.”

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An Alarming Lack Of Helpfulness

, , , , , | Working | February 12, 2018

(Our smoke detectors are wired into our home security system, which is wired through our cable phone line. Over a period of a couple of months, our security system keeps randomly going off in the middle of the night a couple of times a week. The security company always calls when this happens to advise they got an alarm and to make sure everything is okay. Our phone line goes dead for a couple of minutes after every false alarm before the call comes in, so we assume — incorrectly, as we found out later — that brief cable outages are causing the system to malfunction. We tell this to the security company representatives whenever they call. This is yet another call at 3:00 am.)

Security Rep: “We’ve received an alarm from your residence.”

Me: *groggy* “Yeah, we keep getting these calls. I think it’s because of the cable going out. Can someone please figure out how to make it stop?”

Security Rep: “Can you please provide the password for the account?”

(A password hasn’t been required for these types of calls in the past.)

Me: “I don’t remember the password. We set it up three years ago and haven’t had to use it.”

Security Rep: “I’m sorry. I can’t discuss anything further with you without the password.”

Me: “I don’t remember it. I can give you the security code for the alarm.”

Security Rep: “Nope, that won’t work. I need the password you set up when you opened the account.”

Me: “No one has asked for it before. Can’t you just ask me some security questions?”

Security Rep: “No, I need the password.”

Me: “But I don’t remember it, and you called me about the alarm. I’ve told your reps before that I think it’s because of a cable outage. Can I speak to someone that can stop these calls? I need to get up for work in a couple of hours, and I can’t have these calls coming in the middle of the night for no reason.”

Security Rep: “I can’t share anything without the password.”

Me: “You called me about an alarm. Can you at least tell me what kind of alarm it is so I can call back later with all the details?”

Security Rep: “I didn’t call about an alarm. I can’t tell you anything, but it wasn’t an alarm.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Well, alarm, alert, whatever it was, are you telling me I can’t speak to anyone about my account?”

Security Rep: “I can’t tell you anything without a password.”

Me: “I don’t remember the password. Is there someone else I can speak to so we can fix this?”

Security Rep: “No, there’s no one else.”

Me: “So, you’re saying I’ll never be able to speak to anyone about the alarm, or alert, or whatever you want to call it, because I don’t remember a word we set up three years ago?”

Security Rep: “I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you anything except it wasn’t an alarm.”

Me: “So, I can never speak to anyone about my account without this password?”

Security Rep: “That’s right. I can’t do anything without the password.”

Me: “I’m sorry. This just seems insane. You call me in the middle of the night, and you won’t tell me anything, and now you’re saying I can’t fix this because I can’t remember my password?”

Security Rep: “Well, you can come into the office on Monday and someone can reset that for you.”

(She couldn’t have started with that? We did reset the password and figure out what was causing the false alarms.)

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