I’m cashiering in the speedy checkout line when a customer comes up; I’ve dealt with this particular troublesome customer before. As he begins to approach me, he begins his spiel.

Customer: “Do not touch my groceries!”

Me: “Okay, sir, that’s all good. I’ll be over here.”

Customer: “I know it’s all good. I’ve been coming here since before you were born! I know that manager here, named Maurizio.”

There hasn’t been a manager named anything close to that in this building for at least the last ten years.

Customer: *Still blabbering on* “You see, you touch everything everyone else has, so you’ll obviously have germs on your hands. And because of that, you will give me germs, so I don’t let you touch my items.”

Me: “I’m over here and I will not touch your items. I already heard this speech last time. I will keep my distance.”

He has frustratingly stacked all his items so I can’t count them and check if it’s all been properly scanned.

Me: “Okay, sir, I just need to be able to count the items. I promise I won’t touch them, though. Please place them in the cart and I’ll count them as you go.”

Customer: “Can you just do your f****** job? I’ve had a hard, stressful day since you employees are so rude and bloody uncompetent!”

Yes, he said, “Uncompetent.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. We count every order to ensure that it has been scanned properly, no exceptions. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! That’s everything. Swipe or insert.”

He tried to interrupt me whilst he placed the groceries back in his cart. I counted his items, specifically speaking over him.

It’s flabbergasting that people don’t realize that other humans — the stockers and merchandisers — are who place every item in the store. We are never the first person to touch anything we buy.

I’m in the Royal Canadian Navy. There is a young officer in my unit whom we shall call Lt. Dan. I’m a senior NCO, Petty Officer First Class — for American readers, this is NATO OR-7, not OR-6). I don’t work for Lt. Dan directly, but we cross paths pretty regularly during the day, so we know each other to talk to. He’s a bit on the loud and brash side, but I’ve certainly worked for and with worse.

Lt. Dan’s car is in the shop being worked on, and on Friday, he gets a call around stand-easy saying it’s ready, so out in the smoker, he asks me if I can give him a lift. I don’t have a problem with that since it’s more or less on the way home for me anyway. Traffic is always heavy when the dockyard lets out and even worse on Fridays, and I’m stuck behind someone who wants to turn left across a stream of oncoming traffic. This is when the fun starts.

Lt. Dan: “F*** me, what’s his a**hole’s problem? Give him a honk; get his a** moving.”

Me: “Gotta wait for a break in traffic.”

Lt. Dan: “Well, pull around him, then!”

There’s a bike lane but it’s certainly not car-wide. Besides… it’s a bike lane. With people riding bikes in it.

Me: “No can do, sir.”

Left-turn man gets his break in the traffic, and we move on.

Next, it’s the stop-and-go coming up to the bridge ramp, and Lt. Dan is unhappy because traffic is merging and that means taking turns. He thinks that I should just push through and not let anyone in. On the bridge, every other driver annoys him in some manner, including someone who signals and then changes lanes. I’m getting annoyed with Lt. Dan, and once we clear the toll booth on the far side, I pull over.

Me: “Get out, sir.”

Lt. Dan: “What? Why?”

Me: “You’ve done nothing but b**** about my driving and other drivers and I’ve had enough. We’re about three klicks from the shop; you can walk or take a taxi.”

Lt. Dan: “You can’t just kick me out here; that’s illegal!”

Me: “That’s bull, sir. I’m not a taxi service; I can kick you where I feel like it. I was ready to kick you out in the middle of the bridge, but that would’ve been illegal.”

Lt. Dan: “You want to be charged for insubordination?”

Me: “Not particularly, sir, but you do you. Meanwhile, are you getting out or do I get one of the bridge police to come over?”

He got out with very bad grace and further threats of disciplinary action. I left him there to make his way to his car and thought no more of it.

It turned out that he really was daft enough to pursue it, as I got called into the coxswain’s office on Monday. (For US readers, the coxswain of a Canadian ship is the most senior NCO onboard — what you would call the Command Master Chief.)

The coxswain was already dubious about the story as presented by Lt. Dan, and my side of things pretty much cemented the matter being dropped. Needless to say, Lt. Dan does not get rides from senior NCOs at this unit any longer. The lesson here is to never piss off the chiefs and POs.

Our debit/credit machine has broken down in the drive-thru, so we are only able to accept cash as payment. This happens during the global health crisis.

Coworker: *Over headset* “Good morning. Unfortunately, our debit machine is not working at the moment. Are you paying with cash today?”

Customer: “No, I only have my card.”

Coworker: “In that case, we need you to come inside to order so you can use a debit machine.”

Customer: “I can’t come inside; I have that bug everyone’s getting and am supposed to be isolating.”

I need some batteries, which are kept behind the counter so no one steals them.

Me: “Some AA batteries, please.”

The cashier’s eyes actually water up with tears as he gets them for me.

Cashier: “Thank you for treating me like a human being.”

Poor guy. I can only imagine the day he had.

A few years back, I was shopping for a Father’s Day gift and decided to buy my dad the DVD of a movie we had seen in theatres about six months before. I went into a chain store well known for its loose return practices and bought it without a problem.

Or so I thought. When I presented it to my father, we realised that A, the plastic wrapping on the DVD case was missing, and B, so was the actual DVD. I took it back to the store, almost certain that they wouldn’t believe my story, but to my surprise, they took the empty DVD case back and refunded me. I bought a sealed DVD and was on my way.

I’m not sure who’s worse: me, for being boneheaded enough to not notice that something was wrong with the first case, or the customer service people for accepting a return that I would have pegged as a scam. I’m pretty sure they thought I was full of s*** but had to follow a “make the customer happy no matter what” policy.