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Luckily, This Lieutenant Dan Has Legs

, , , , , , | Working | September 1, 2021

I’m in the Royal Canadian Navy. There is a young officer in my unit whom we shall call Lt. Dan. I’m a senior NCO, Petty Officer First Class — for American readers, this is NATO OR-7, not OR-6). I don’t work for Lt. Dan directly, but we cross paths pretty regularly during the day, so we know each other to talk to. He’s a bit on the loud and brash side, but I’ve certainly worked for and with worse.

Lt. Dan’s car is in the shop being worked on, and on Friday, he gets a call around stand-easy saying it’s ready, so out in the smoker, he asks me if I can give him a lift. I don’t have a problem with that since it’s more or less on the way home for me anyway. Traffic is always heavy when the dockyard lets out and even worse on Fridays, and I’m stuck behind someone who wants to turn left across a stream of oncoming traffic. This is when the fun starts.

Lt. Dan: “F*** me, what’s his a**hole’s problem? Give him a honk; get his a** moving.”

Me: “Gotta wait for a break in traffic.”

Lt. Dan: “Well, pull around him, then!”

There’s a bike lane but it’s certainly not car-wide. Besides… it’s a bike lane. With people riding bikes in it.

Me: “No can do, sir.”

Left-turn man gets his break in the traffic, and we move on.

Next, it’s the stop-and-go coming up to the bridge ramp, and Lt. Dan is unhappy because traffic is merging and that means taking turns. He thinks that I should just push through and not let anyone in. On the bridge, every other driver annoys him in some manner, including someone who signals and then changes lanes. I’m getting annoyed with Lt. Dan, and once we clear the toll booth on the far side, I pull over.

Me: “Get out, sir.”

Lt. Dan: “What? Why?”

Me: “You’ve done nothing but b**** about my driving and other drivers and I’ve had enough. We’re about three klicks from the shop; you can walk or take a taxi.”

Lt. Dan: “You can’t just kick me out here; that’s illegal!”

Me: “That’s bull, sir. I’m not a taxi service; I can kick you where I feel like it. I was ready to kick you out in the middle of the bridge, but that would’ve been illegal.”

Lt. Dan: “You want to be charged for insubordination?”

Me: “Not particularly, sir, but you do you. Meanwhile, are you getting out or do I get one of the bridge police to come over?”

He got out with very bad grace and further threats of disciplinary action. I left him there to make his way to his car and thought no more of it.

It turned out that he really was daft enough to pursue it, as I got called into the coxswain’s office on Monday. (For US readers, the coxswain of a Canadian ship is the most senior NCO onboard — what you would call the Command Master Chief.)

The coxswain was already dubious about the story as presented by Lt. Dan, and my side of things pretty much cemented the matter being dropped. Needless to say, Lt. Dan does not get rides from senior NCOs at this unit any longer. The lesson here is to never piss off the chiefs and POs.

With Some Fast Food, It’s Buy Or Die

, , , , , | Right | May 25, 2021

Our debit/credit machine has broken down in the drive-thru, so we are only able to accept cash as payment. This happens during the global health crisis.

Coworker: *Over headset* “Good morning. Unfortunately, our debit machine is not working at the moment. Are you paying with cash today?”

Customer: “No, I only have my card.”

Coworker: “In that case, we need you to come inside to order so you can use a debit machine.”

Customer: “I can’t come inside; I have that bug everyone’s getting and am supposed to be isolating.”

Battery Him With Kindness

, , , | Right | April 25, 2021

I need some batteries, which are kept behind the counter so no one steals them.

Me: “Some AA batteries, please.”

The cashier’s eyes actually water up with tears as he gets them for me.

Cashier: “Thank you for treating me like a human being.”

Poor guy. I can only imagine the day he had.

DVDo Or DVDon’t?

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2021

A few years back, I was shopping for a Father’s Day gift and decided to buy my dad the DVD of a movie we had seen in theatres about six months before. I went into a chain store well known for its loose return practices and bought it without a problem.

Or so I thought. When I presented it to my father, we realised that A, the plastic wrapping on the DVD case was missing, and B, so was the actual DVD. I took it back to the store, almost certain that they wouldn’t believe my story, but to my surprise, they took the empty DVD case back and refunded me. I bought a sealed DVD and was on my way.

I’m not sure who’s worse: me, for being boneheaded enough to not notice that something was wrong with the first case, or the customer service people for accepting a return that I would have pegged as a scam. I’m pretty sure they thought I was full of s*** but had to follow a “make the customer happy no matter what” policy.

When The Sarcastaball Champion Comes Into The Store

, , , | Right | February 16, 2021

I am stocking shelves with my back to the store and don’t realize a customer has walked up behind me and asked something. She gives a little “ahem” and I turn around immediately.

Me: “Oh, hello! I’m sorry. What did you need?”

Customer: “Excuse me?! Well, nothing now!”

She turns to walk away.

Me: “I’m so sorry; I didn’t see you at first. Was there something you needed?”

Customer: “There was, but I don’t want it now! I can’t believe this!”

She walks back to her companion, takes the item he is holding out of his hands, and puts it on a nearby shelf. Then, she walks up to my manager, and I overhear what has to be the most sarcastic complaint ever. 

Customer: “Oh, I am so sorry. Can you please tell that girl how absolutely sorry I am that I interrupted her very important work with my little question? I cannot believe I would do such a thing and she was obviously oh, so busy that I’m just so ashamed I even thought of asking anything!”

With that, she grabbed her companion and they walked out, her companion looking thoroughly confused. My manager walked up to me and asked what had happened, and even when I explained, she still gave me a verbal warning for not being vigilant enough! I really hated that boss.