I need some batteries, which are kept behind the counter so no one steals them.

Me: “Some AA batteries, please.”

The cashier’s eyes actually water up with tears as he gets them for me.

Cashier: “Thank you for treating me like a human being.”

Poor guy. I can only imagine the day he had.

A few years back, I was shopping for a Father’s Day gift and decided to buy my dad the DVD of a movie we had seen in theatres about six months before. I went into a chain store well known for its loose return practices and bought it without a problem.

Or so I thought. When I presented it to my father, we realised that A, the plastic wrapping on the DVD case was missing, and B, so was the actual DVD. I took it back to the store, almost certain that they wouldn’t believe my story, but to my surprise, they took the empty DVD case back and refunded me. I bought a sealed DVD and was on my way.

I’m not sure who’s worse: me, for being boneheaded enough to not notice that something was wrong with the first case, or the customer service people for accepting a return that I would have pegged as a scam. I’m pretty sure they thought I was full of s*** but had to follow a “make the customer happy no matter what” policy.

I am stocking shelves with my back to the store and don’t realize a customer has walked up behind me and asked something. She gives a little “ahem” and I turn around immediately.

Me: “Oh, hello! I’m sorry. What did you need?”

Customer: “Excuse me?! Well, nothing now!”

She turns to walk away.

Me: “I’m so sorry; I didn’t see you at first. Was there something you needed?”

Customer: “There was, but I don’t want it now! I can’t believe this!”

She walks back to her companion, takes the item he is holding out of his hands, and puts it on a nearby shelf. Then, she walks up to my manager, and I overhear what has to be the most sarcastic complaint ever. 

Customer: “Oh, I am so sorry. Can you please tell that girl how absolutely sorry I am that I interrupted her very important work with my little question? I cannot believe I would do such a thing and she was obviously oh, so busy that I’m just so ashamed I even thought of asking anything!”

With that, she grabbed her companion and they walked out, her companion looking thoroughly confused. My manager walked up to me and asked what had happened, and even when I explained, she still gave me a verbal warning for not being vigilant enough! I really hated that boss.

I am looking at my four-year-old, and I notice he is getting skinnier.

Me: “Are you getting taller?”

He looks down at his body and shrugs his shoulders.

Me: “You’re definitely getting skinnier!”

He looks at me, very concerned.

Son: “I hope that doesn’t mean my skin will fall off.”

I’ve worked at a video store for years. Many people try to lie to try to get out of late fees, but this was a one-time incident.

We have a gumball machine in the store. Like in many convenience or video stores, a certain-colored gumball — in our case, white — yields something free: a movie rental, for our store.

A kid, about twelve, who I know has stolen games from us and therefore won’t be allowed to rent anyway, walks up to the gumball machine. After casting a furtive glance at me over his shoulder — I pretty much death-glare into his soul — he pretends, very blatantly, to put a quarter in the machine and turns the knob. He waits about two seconds before turning to me.

Customer: “Yes! I got a white gum! I’m gonna go pick out my movie, okay? Can you put the credit on my account?

Me: “That’s fine, but where’s the gumball? I just need to see it for a moment before you chew it.”

Customer: “I already ate it, see?”

He opens his mouth; he has a well-chewed and very small piece of gum in his mouth.

Me: “Yeah, I can say with some certainty that you already had that gum. Nice try, though.”

Customer: “What? I just put it in my mouth! This store is such a rip-off. You should take that sign down about winning a free rental since it’s a lie. I’m gonna get my mom to call and tell the boss about you!”

My patience has evaporated.

Me: “Your mom’s account is under [Customer]. You have two XBox 360 games rented a year ago that never came back. I have a really good memory, but even if I didn’t, it would show when you tried to rent, so I can’t rent to you anyway.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, we took [Game #1] and [Game #2] from here. What if I bring them back? I live like two minutes away and they’re in my room.”

Me: “So, you’re admitting you still have the games, and apparently, you have willfully held onto them after dozens of phone calls about them being late. I’m fairly certain you should leave now.”

The customer took off running, full-speed. That was two years ago; he hasn’t shown his face since.