Selective Reading

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: gestella | July 9, 2021

I’m selling a used car online for £395. My listing includes information about the car and says, “No offers.”

Potential Buyer: “£100 cash.”

Me: “Yeah, mate.”

Potential Buyer: “Where are you located?”

Me: “[Town #1].”

Potential Buyer: “???”

Me: “???”

Potential Buyer: “Says [Town #2]?”

Me: “Also says, ‘No offers,’ but you chose to ignore that.”

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Welcome To The Dark Side Of Influencer-ing

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Mush_Tilly | July 9, 2021

Stranger: “Hi! I saw your posts on Instagram and I love them! Since I print and frame photos for people, and you’re a photographer, maybe we could team up or something?”

Me: “Thanks for your interest. That sounds great! What were you thinking?”

Stranger: “Here’s my idea: you can send me some pics without the watermarks, and I can print and sell them.”

Me: “Then we split the profits?”

Stranger: “No.”

Me: “Then how do I benefit?”

Stranger: “I’ll give you credit and exposure! I have more than three times your followers, so I think it’ll help you. How does that sound?”

Me: “No. I’m not going to give you images (that I normally sell) for free so you can make a profit off of them, just for some ‘exposure’ to your 3,500 followers.”

Stranger: “If you want to be selfish and not share your talents with others, that’s fine by me.”

Me: “Okay, great.”

Stranger: “But God will definitely never forgive these sins.”

Me: “…”

Stranger: “If you don’t change your ways, you’ll go to Hell!”

Me: “I’ll save you a spot.”

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Don’t Clown Around With These People

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: Brainous | July 6, 2021

I’m selling a phone on a buy/sell app and I get a message from a potential buyer. The first message is automatically generated by the app with the buyer’s offer.

Buyer: “I would like to buy your iPhone 7 Rose Gold 128b GB UNLOCKED for $80.00.”

Me: “I’ll meet you at the circus since, apparently, you think I’m a f****** clown.”

Buyer: “The phone is literally an iPhone 6. That generation is old as h***. It’s literally the generation after the iPhone 5 that they don’t even make anymore, so it should not be more than $80. You are smoking crack if you think it should be. So, I will meet you at the circus because you think I’m a clown. Not you the clown, me the clown.”

Me: “1) You might wanna read the title again, honey. It’s an iPhone 7, not 6. 2) I already have a buyer for $180. 3) If the phone is so old and s***ty, why would you wanna buy it?”

Buyer: “Still, an iPhone 7 shouldn’t be that much. It’s an old generation. Your buyer is paying too much for a phone that’s not worth that much. You’re scamming them out of more money than the phone is worth. Why would you do that? Awful human being! Why would you charge more than it’s worth? I feel sorry that your mother raised you this way.”

Me: “I’ll make sure to let my buyer know I’m scamming them. Thanks, [Buyer]!”

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The Dog Is Better Trained Than The Owner

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: ThatOneChickkk | July 6, 2021

I offer dog training services. Someone comments on a social media post about it, so I message them.

Me: “Hey! I saw your comment on my post and thought it might be better to privately message you. I typically charge $50 a lesson, and the lessons are in or near your home. You get one hour of one-on-one teaching and hands-on learning, and a plan/write-up within a week of the end of the lesson.”

I don’t get a message back until the next day.

Customer: “Hi! I love that you have a plan/write-up after just one lesson. I had a trainer for two months and I never got anything close to that! I finally let her go this week. I have a three-year-old, ninety-pound horse of a Labrador! He is a lot to handle. The main issue is how crazed he gets when he greets people, so I don’t have anyone over, or I put him in the car! So… I’m on [disability assistance] and only pull in $900 a month, so do you do a sliding scale based on income? I’m just going to ask, and it’s okay if it’s a no! Would you consider doing that for $30?! It never hurts to ask!”

I don’t get back to them right away as I’m at work.

Customer: “No response. That’s not a good sign of integrity.”

Me: “Actually, [Customer], I just got home from work. I’ve been at work all day. I’d really love to help you out with your lab, but I have to stay true to my prices. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Wow! That says a lot. You’re more about money than really being serious about animals. Shame on you, especially in these times. Best if you do not respond.”

Me: “Because I have to work to live? I work for someone else making money. I’m not ‘more about money’ at all. I’m more about making a living and surviving.”

Customer: “No! About not having a sliding scale! Because maybe [the health crisis] took away their job?! Meaning me! Forget it. Sorry for whatever’s my fault. I have to move on.”

Me: “If you want to spin it that way, you clearly said, ‘It’s okay if it’s a no.’ So, it’s a no from me. Thank you for asking.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s clearly ‘the best way to spin it’! I can tell you’re a f****** c***. Don’t respond or I’ll have to get nasty.”

The last few messages were peppered with passive-aggressive emojis. I didn’t respond. I did, however, report her to the social media platform for violating community guidelines. “No personal attacks.”

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This Stresses Me Out

, , , , , , , | Working | June 14, 2021

I’m working for a multinational company that employs tens of thousands of staff; our site alone has about 700 employees. One afternoon, as I am merrily doing some design work, I get an email from someone at the corporate office. It’s completely blank and has been sent to everyone. I figure that someone accidentally sent this to everyone, hit delete, and go to get back to my work.

Then, a little message pops up.

Message: “[Email Sender] has requested a read receipt when the email has been read. Do you wish to send? Yes/No.”

Oh, dear. I hit no, figuring the sender probably wouldn’t appreciate a reminder of what they did. I also wonder how many people have their settings to automatically send the receipt without prompting. I manage about twenty seconds more work when I get another email alert. It’s a reply to the original email.

Reply #1: “?”

Someone has decided that the best response to a blank email was responding with a single question mark. But the “best” way of doing this was to hit Reply To All. I hit delete.

Message: “[Reply Sender] has requested a read receipt when the email has been read. Do you wish to send? Yes/No.”

The reply had inherited the Read Receipt request. I imagine the IT departments across various sites not being very happy as the email server starts to fill. I imagine their collective moods worsening when the next message appears.

Reply #2: “??”

This is followed shortly by…

Reply #3: “???”

…and…

Reply #4: “????”

…as a few people decided that this is funny. I guess it is, to a point. I and a few of my nearby colleagues laugh at the stupidity of these people and how they are going to get some grief for clogging the mail servers. All of these want Read Receipts, too. I think we reach “????????” before the emails start to change.

Reply #5: “Please remove me from this email chain.”

This is sent to everyone, of course; there are a few of those.

Reply #6: “Please stop using Reply To All as you are making the problem worse!”

The odd thing is that it wasn’t one person who sends that message; there are several. And they aren’t doing it independently. Each email includes all the text from previous emails, and I can see the previous warnings there.

Reply #7: “You’ve just hit Reply To All to send the message; don’t do that!”

…and so on. I have no idea if those who are adding their warnings are trying to be funny or helpful or are just desperate to be the one who gets everyone to shut up by having the last word. In any case, the last word comes through a few minutes later with a site-wide email from our IT manager.

IT Manager Email: “Please stop responding to the email that was sent in error. These responses are clogging the servers. The email network will be down for a period while we remove these emails”

This email does not request a read receipt. 

A day or so later, I see one of the IT staff and ask him about the events of that afternoon. He visibly deflates as the memories come back.

IT Guy: “We had to disconnect our server from the global network to stop anything else getting through and then go through the servers and strip out every single one. It took hours!”

Me: “What started it all?”

IT Guy: “One of the accountants at corporate was trying to test something and accidentally managed to send a blank message to everyone. You know the rest.”

Me: “What about all those who responded? I noticed that there were a couple of senior directors from this site who joined in the, uh… fun.”

IT Guy: “They were all spoken to. They were told in great detail about server space, exacerbating problems, and exponential growth!”

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