No A.I. For The CC

, , , , | Working | August 22, 2017

(I keep receiving advertisements from a well-known credit card company wanting me to sign up for their credit card. Due to past customer service issues I have learned that being able to stand in someone’s face gets positive results faster. This takes place through email. I will refer to the credit card company as ‘CC.’ )

Me: “Good day, [CC]. I have looked over your advertisement and am wondering, do you have a physical presence in [My Town].”

CC: “For any customer service concerns we have an easy to reach toll free number, [number].”

Me: “Thank you. The toll free number may come in handy some day, but I prefer to be able to walk in to a brick-and-mortar location to talk to someone in person if there is an issue that cannot be resolved over the phone. Do you have a physical location in [My Town]?”

CC: “Any customer service issues you may have with [CC] can easily be resolved by calling the customer service toll free number, [number].”

Me: “This is the third time I have sent your company CC an email asking a question and it has not been answered. I’m not sure if my emails are being read by a real person or a word filter so to determine that I am going to ask two questions. I want an answer to the first question before you answer the second question. Here we go:

Question #1: How do you like your steak cooked? I’ll leave space for you to answer.

Question #2: Do you have a physical presence in [My Town]?”

(I did not receive a response to this email. I found out some years later that I had given CC a Turing Test, and it looks like they failed. )

Spam Begat Spam

, , , , | Working | August 21, 2017

I received a spam email purporting to be from UK HMRC (the UK version of the IRS). The email said that I was due a refund and all I had to do was click on the links. Well, it was obviously bogus but it was also clearly labelled as if from an address that belonged to a US university. I realise that the address was probably hijacked.

However I thought that the IT people at the university might want to know that their web address was being maligned/misused. I wrote out an email with all the details of the spam, including the addresses hiding behind the ‘refund’ links and sent it off to the university webmaster.

My email was promptly returned by their system because “it looked like spam.” Does this mean that the university in question can proudly say that they have never received any complaints about their address being used for spamming others?

A Mile Off

, , , | Friendly | August 21, 2017

(My dad posts this on a hiking page for the local national park on Facebook:)

Dad: “Quick question. How far is it from mile marker 50 to mile marker 51?”

(Cue dozens of responses in the vein of “Seriously?” and “One mile.”)

Dad: “I wasn’t drunk, nor was I delusional, when I asked. Crazy? That’s for others to decide. It is approx 8/10ths of a mile between those two mile markers.”

(He then went on to explain that at one point, the road had been shortened by cutting out a loop in the road to create more parking for one of the hiking trails. Rather than move the next 55 mile markers by 2/10ths of a mile, they left that one short.)

Unfiltered Story #92008

, | Unfiltered | August 21, 2017

(I work as an Email Support Rep for an Online Shopping Website. This conversation is via email and my responses are in a letter form but to make it short, I have laid it out like a regular conversation transcript. This particular customer placed an order for $10, used a coupon and paid $5.)

Customer: “My invoice is telling me that this item is $10! My budget for this is only $5!”

(I proceeded to explain to her that the value of the item is $10 but she used a coupon so she got it for $5.)

Customer: “That can’t be! I can’t spend $10 on this thing!”

(I proceeded to explain that she only spent $5 for the item.)

Customer: “This thing is too expensive for me!”

Whether You Choose East or West It’s All Going South

, , , | Friendly | August 16, 2017

(I have never played Dungeons & Dragons before, but my friend decides to start a new campaign and I ask to join because I want to get into it. All of our discussion takes place over online chat because there are seven of us scattered across North America, plus our DM who lives in Norway. I’ve never met any of these people or heard their voices before I joined the campaign group. These are the highlights of our first session.)

(4:30pm:)

Friend #1: “What’s everyone up to?”

Me: “I’m eating spaghetti and I got marinara sauce on my t*tties.”

Friend #2: “How…?”

Me: “I’m eating shirtless so I don’t get marinara on my shirt, OBVIOUSLY.”

(5:00:)

Friend #1: “[Friend #6] said she’ll be at work late so we can start without her.”

DM: “Oh, god. That means I have to get started. I’m not prepared.”

(5:10:)

DM: “The tax collectors came from the east.”

Friend #2: “So if we want to follow them, we head west.”

Friend #3: “Wait… what?”

Me: “The opposite of east is west.”

Me and Friend #2: *at once* “Never Eat Soggy Waffles.”

Friend #4: *who is in Canada* “…what do they teach you people in America?”

(5:30:)

Me: “Be right back, my roommate has company over so I have to put a shirt on.”

Friend #1: “Marinara t*ts.”

(5:45:)

Friend #2: “Can I roll a perception check and try to peek in the window and see if I find anything suspicious?”

DM: “Sure.” *rolls dice* “You got a 10. You can look, but there are people around who might find it suspicious.”

Me: “[Friend #3] and I distract the villagers with our awesome dance moves!”

DM: “Okay…” *rolls* “You got 12. Your performance draws a few strange looks and is distracting enough that no one notices [Friend #2].”

Me: “Sweet! Do we get any tips for our sick moves?”

DM: “No.”

Me: “Aww.”

(6:15:)

DM: “Your party sets up camp by the road. It starts to get dark.”

Friend #2: “Should we build a campfire?”

DM: “You could, but keep in mind you’re a band of wanted criminals and the smoke could draw the authorities.”

Me: “Guys, I’m a fire genasi. My hair is literally smokeless fire.”

Friend #3: “So it’s settled. We’ll just huddle around [My Name] all night.”

(6:30:)

DM: “A pair of guards comes up the road. You need to hide quickly.”

(The rest of our party hides somewhat successfully, but I roll a one on stealth so my character decides to hide behind Friend #2 and stand very still. Note that Friend #2’s character is a lawful good monk.)

DM: “The guard asks what you’re doing.”

Friend #2: “What, me? I’m not doing anything.”

DM: “So what’s wrong with your friend there?”

Friend #2: “I was, uh… traveling to the monastery when I found this ungodly heathen–”

Me: “It’s true; I’m very ungodly.”

Friend #2: “I was bringing her with me so I could show her the light of the gods.”

DM: “I see. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that farm that burned down yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, because I’m a fire elemental, I’m automatically the subject of an arson case? This is racial profiling!”

DM: “The guard gets off his horse and attempts to arrest you.”

Me: “IT’S CLOBBERING TIME!”

(I roll a one, AGAIN, so when my character tries to attack the guard she ends up hitting herself with her own morning star. Thankfully, the rest of the party gets some fairly good rolls and we manage to kill the guard.)

Friend #2: “WE JUST KILLED A MAN!”

Friend #3: “It was in self-defense.”

Friend #2: “I’m lawful good! I’m a monk! It’s our first session and we just KILLED someone!”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Can I take his eyes as trophies?”

DM: “Sure.”

Friend #4: “If [My Name] gets to take his eyeballs then I’m taking his teeth!”

DM: “Okay.”

Friend #1: “Well, as long as we’re taking body parts… who’s going for his d**k?”

(We all ended up fighting for it, but Friend #2 was victorious.)

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