Mulchitudinous

| MA, USA | Working | March 5, 2017

(This is copied directly from my “Customer Care” online chat for your general amusement:)

Me: “Hello, I bought 20 x 2 cubic-foot bags of your ‘12 month color guarantee’ mulch less than two weeks ago, and the color is completely gone after a week of rain. The black is now gray and tan. I’d like a refund or replacement, please. How do I go about that?”

Company Representative: “Sorry to hear that. Our ultimate goal is for you to be completely satisfied with your purchase from [Company]. If you receive an item you are not happy with, you may return it within thirty days of purchase to any [Store] for a refund or exchange within our current policy guidelines.”

Me: “Can I bring a receipt back with a photo of the damage, or something, instead?”

Representative: “Our current policy guidelines state you must bring the item back to the store.”

Me: “I understand, but I cannot bring 40 cubic-foot of mulch back to the store from my lawn… Is there another option?”

Representative: “I would recommend that you call our customer care to request for the return.”

(Calling customer care just confused a human being on the phone instead of via text. I’ll try going back to the store next instead!)

What A Dwaas

| The Netherlands | Friendly | March 3, 2017

(I log into the game I play. One of my American alliance members has just dropped this gem:)

American Alliance Member: “Does every country in Europe have their own different language that they still use or have they all decided to adopt the English language for better communication with foreigners?”

(I couldn’t help but reply in Dutch…)

Final Fantasy: The IKEA Chronicles

| TX, USA | Friendly | February 27, 2017

(I play an online game that only recently added housing. With it came an influx of new recipes to create furniture. I’m perusing the recipes when a friend and fellow gamer calls me on Skype.)

Friend: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Hey, [Friend], not much. I’m looking at furniture recipes right now.”

Friend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Furniture recipes. There’s so many of them, it’s taking a while to find recipes I can craft at my level of metalwork and woodwork.”

Friend: “OH! Wait, you mean you’re on [Game]!”

Me: “Yes… I thought that was obvious.”

Friend: “No, not really. I was about to ask you if you’d forgotten that in the real world, we call them assembly instructions.”

Pay With Zero Delay

| Austria | Working | February 15, 2017

(I returned a defective item with a well-known online store and receive an invoice for 0.00 Euros for the replacement. Considering this the end, I put it on the paid bill pile, until the “friendly reminder” reached me that they now want 0€ and a “reminder” fee of 15€. Cue my call with their support.)

Me: “I got a ‘reminder’ for a zero-Euro bill.”

Support: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes what? I’m now supposed to pay a delay fee for a bill that was ZERO EUROS!”

Support: “Yes, I have it here on my computer. You didn’t pay the original invoice so we had to send you a reminder and that entails a delay fee.”

Me: “Lady, how am I supposed to pay ZERO EUROS? It is absolutely impossible to transfer zero Euros.”

Support: “Well, now you can pay 15, can’t you?”

That’s Some Bangin’ Protection

| TX, USA | Friendly | January 27, 2017

(My friend and I are talking on Skype. I’m complaining about how I injured myself the previous night by carelessness and exhaustion. I have a few bruises as a result.)

Me: “The worst of the injuries was slamming my big toe into the doorjamb. That took up the rest of my night.”

Friend: “No fun! I’m sorry.”

Me: “Me, too. I’m clearly not safe and need protection for a while.”

Friend: “You’ll still manage to get banged up, I’m sure.”

Me: “ROFL! I meant like bubble wrap armor!”

Friend: “Oh, god, I didn’t mean it that way! I meant you’ll still get banged by something.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “That still sounds horrible, never mind!”

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