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The Internet Will Make A Monkey Out Of You If You’re Not Careful

, , , , , | Working | January 30, 2023

The elderly security guard at my office sent me a random video on YouTube. I only took a quick glance at the video, found it a waste of time, and resumed doing my work.

Guard: “Hey, girl, did you see the video I sent you?”

Me: “Oh, not yet, sorry. I haven’t had time.”

Guard: “Go watch it! You’ll be shocked! It was so creepy!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guard: “You don’t think it’s creepy that a girl gave birth to a monkey?”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Guard: “Didn’t you see the video? The girl gave birth to the monkey! It was so disgusting and freaky!”

Me: “That’s not possible. Humans can’t give birth to monkeys.”

Guard: “Yes, she did. The video shows it!”

At this point, I really didn’t want to waste my time arguing with him about this, but I was using the photocopier and he was standing right by the door fixing something, so I couldn’t leave. I tried to end the conversation by downplaying the video. 

Me: “It was probably a hoax or video manipulation. It’s impossible for a human to give birth to a monkey.”

Guard: “There’s no such thing as impossible in this world. There are so many things that you probably haven’t heard of before. You go watch that video; you’ll see it for yourself. She gave birth to a baby that is stunted and tiny, with white hair all over it. Like a monkey.”

Me: *Dismissively* “If that’s the case, then I don’t think it was a monkey. Maybe the woman gave birth to a little person—”

Guard: *Cutting me off* “It was no dwarf! It was a monkey! You go watch the video!”

Later, during my break, I went to watch the video. At this point, I was only doing it so he would stop bothering me about it. The video was a (thankfully short) clip of a young woman bathing a baby monkey and swaddling it in a blanket like a human baby. That was all. It didn’t show her giving birth at all. There was absolutely NOTHING in it that could make someone think that the woman had given birth to a monkey.

Guard: So, did you see the video?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s just a girl bathing a baby monkey.”

Guard: Well, it was a newborn. She obviously just gave birth to it! And you see the way she wraps it in the blanket? Why would she do that if it wasn’t her baby?”

Me: “She might be a vet”.

Guard: “No, I tell you, that’s her baby! She gave birth to a freaking monkey!”

I decided to just let it rest. There was no way I could get him to see reason. But this conversation was a real eye-opener on how wild rumours and crazy conspiracy theories get started!

What Is It About Petty Revenge That’s So Satisfying?!

, , , | Right | CREDIT: SRG4Life | January 28, 2023

About a year and some change ago, my cousin was stationed at the Air Force base close to my house and was living with us. He is a total shopaholic. He says things are cheaper where I live.

He found rolls of 12/2 wire on a personal selling app at almost 50% less than at the store. Obviously, my cousin thought it was a bargain. He made an offer and the guy accepted.

We drove down an hour, and this guy said he’d gotten a better offer. Naturally, my cousin got p*ssed and bummed out.

Me: “We should totally mess with this guy.”

I got the same app and found the guy’s post. I made an offer for the full price of the cable, which was steep. I can’t remember how much exactly, but it was more than $2,000.

After messaging for hours and making the guy drive an hour past my house — he lived south and I live north — he told me he was at the random store where we’d agreed to meet. I blocked him.

A few minutes later, he messaged my cousin.

Guy: “My buyer backed out. Do you still want the cable?”

My cousin made a counteroffer even cheaper than he’d originally agreed to pay. The guy agreed and showed up at my house, got less than 50%, and unloaded the cable for my cousin.

My cousin wasn’t sad anymore.

Save The Trash Talk For Home, Buddy

, , , , , , | Working | January 23, 2023

I’m a department head in the company I work for. I was showing a presentation to our company before showcasing it to our clients. There were about thirty-five people in the video conference. 

We have an instant messenger for inside the company only. The head of another department didn’t realize they were typing in the video chat and not the instant messenger; they look similar.

Department Head: *Typing in the chat* “I can’t believe this. No one is going to sign for this. What a giant, boring waste of f*****’ time. [My Name] is an idiot who is wasting company time.”

I stopped talking and sat quietly for about twenty seconds while I took a screenshot of that.

Me: *Out loud* “Hey, [Department Head], you can get off the call now.”

Department Head: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s a waste of your valuable time, and you should go do more productive things with it — like telling Human Resources why you’ve been kicked off this call.”

He started to stutter.

Me: “Either you can call them or I can, but either way, this meeting is not moving forward with you in it.”

He logged off, and we had a meeting the next day with HR about workplace harassment; his personal attack on me qualified. He was silent the entire time.

HR asked what my feelings were, and I said that [Department Head] owed me and the entire company an apology. He had to apologize and ended up with a week of unpaid suspension.

Some Customers Are All Push And No Pull

, , , | Right | January 19, 2023

I work for an online retailer. We manufacture and sell items to a niche market. At the time of this story, we require signature confirmation, at our cost, on any order over $200 and this is in the terms that no one ever reads but everyone agrees to before checking out.

A customer places an order of around $350, shipped via [Shipping Company] ground. The customer calls in ranting that they didn’t leave his package because we required signature confirmation.

Customer: “I’m much too busy to go to the hub or a [Shipping Company] store to pick it up. I’ve got too many important things to do to wait at home for my order!”

Me: “The order will be returned to us if you don’t pick it up or arrange for someone to sign for it. If that happens, we will reship your order, minus signature confirmation, at our expense.”

Customer: “No, that isn’t good enough! I have to have my items now!”

I place a call to [Shipping Company] to see if, as the shipper, I can waive the signature requirement. No can do; that is against company policy.

I call the customer back and explain that [Shipping Company] will not waive the signature confirmation. He goes off on me insisting that I get the signature waived.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I do not have the pull to change [Shipping Company]’s policies.”

Customer: “Well, I’m giving you that pull!”

Sadly, he wasn’t important enough to be able to give me the power to change [Shipping Company]’s policies. His order was returned to us and, as he didn’t want it reshipped and the fault was his, we issued a refund minus shipping, return shipping, and a restocking fee. Never heard any complaint about not getting a full refund.

Pizza Saves Lives!

, , , , | Friendly | January 7, 2023

During the first lockdown, I was part of a large social group that held regular online events. One of our regulars could sometimes drink a bit more than was good for him and get quite loud-mouthed. It was in an entertaining way rather than a threatening way.

On one such occasion, we were having a gaming evening. [Friend] got drunk and frustrated and was mouthing off at a lot of things. But mid-tirade, he abruptly went silent, but he was still online and wasn’t muted.

We called his name a few times but he didn’t respond. After a few minutes, we became concerned that he may be passed out on his floor. We tried messaging him by other means but still no response.

None of us lived close to him, and we weren’t certain enough about our concerns to phone emergency services. We knew he had housemates, but we had no contact details for them.

Finally, someone had the idea of ordering him a pizza, as this would require his housemates to come downstairs and find him.

It turned out that his dog had knocked something over in the kitchen and he’d rushed off suddenly to sort that out, leaving his phone behind. In his drunken state, he’d forgotten that he was in an online event and had begun various kitchen tasks he’d been putting off. He only remembered when the pizza arrived.

He thanked us for that pizza.