My wife and I have some experience with trying to sell stuff we don’t need anymore at an online marketplace. The reason we do this is that we don’t like wasting something that could be useful to someone else, but also that, occasionally, it is easier to have big stuff like furniture or an old mini-oven picked up by someone rather than having to get rid of it by yourself.

We’re trying to sell off our laminate floor because it is partially damaged. Our first post asks for some money for it but it gets no response. My wife changes it to “free.” Now, responses come flooding in.

Keep in mind that the ad says that you have to pick up the floor yourself and that we like to discuss who will remove the flooring and who will get rid of the damaged bits as this job would incur a payment.

Customer #1: “I’d like to pick it up.”

Wife: “Great. Now the question: who is going to get rid of the damaged parts? If you do, the floor is yours for free.”

Customer #1: “You. Your ad says I don’t need to do that.”

Wife: “The ad says we want to discuss this, yes, and that’s what we are doing now. You don’t need to take the damaged bits, but in that case, we would like a little payment in return. since getting rid of it will cost us a bit because we don’t own a car.”

Customer #1: “Sorry, I don’t own a car, either.”

Wife: “Well, you said you were going to pick the floor up. This implies you have some kind of transport, right? So, here’s the deal: you make it a bit easier for us and we make it free for you.”

His tone changes.

Customer #1: “Never mind, ‘cause apparently, you can’t read! Just changing it all by the minute! I said I don’t have a car and I don’t want the damaged parts! And now I don’t want any of it!”

Wife: “Okay, bye.”

It was quite clear he thought “discussing” meant he was going to tell us what he wanted and that we just had to obey his wishes.

And then, there was this person who didn’t read the ad:

Customer #2: “I’d like part of the floor, but only if it could be sent over to my place in [Town on the other side of the country].”

My company is running a “special promotion” for free shipping on certain camera accessories. There are three rules to the special:

• The order total has to be over $100.
• The order has to have only items that are part of the special.
• It has to ship ground to part of the contiguous forty-eight states.

These rules are pointed out in a bright red banner on the homepage, on the page of every single item that qualifies, and on the checkout page. We could not make it any more clear without actively interfering with people’s ability to place orders. We also deal directly with resellers, who run their own unique promotions and should know about rules and regulations for them. And yet…

This conversation (and many like it) takes place over email, spread out across several hours, and the reseller’s sales representative has been CC’d on it all.

Me: “Thank you for your order, and I see you noted to apply free shipping. Unfortunately, it does not qualify for the free shipping promotion.”

Reseller: “Yes, it does! I bought [promo product]!”

Me: “Yes, you did, but unfortunately, your order total was only $78, you purchased two items that are not part of the promo, and this is shipping to Hawaii via next-day air. All of those factors disqualify.”

Reseller: “You gave me free shipping on my last order! Just give it to me on this one!”

Me: *Looking it up* “Yes, your previous order, [number], was valued at $750, was a single qualifying product, and was shipping ground to California. That order qualified. This one does not.”

Reseller: “It’s close enough. You should just give me to free shipping anyway.”

Me: “I am unable to do that. If you would like to cancel this order and place a separate, qualifying order, we can arrange that, but as it is, the system will not allow me to add the free shipping promo to your order.”

This was only half a fib; it’s a manual process anyway, but manager authorization could be considered part of “the system”, right? I’ll admit several rounds of back-and-forth repetition without ANY intervention from the sales rep even though I go to him directly; it only stops when I go to the manager of the sales department to speak with the involved people.

There’s a happy ending, at least; the customer kept their order as-is and did not get free shipping!

I’m playing an online game on my phone that randomly places you into games with groups of people. There’s no way to look up any information about your fellow users and no way to control the random groupings (besides selecting a regional server). The game is also widely enjoyed by people of all ages.

The group I have been playing with for a while becomes unusually chatty and some players start asking questions.

Player #1: “How old is everyone? I am nineteen, male.”

Player #2: “I’m seventeen, male.”

Player #3: “Fifteen, female.”

Group Admin: “Eighteen, female.”

Player #4: “Twenty, male.”

Me: “Oh, wow. I’m thirty-five, male.”

Player #2: “Why are you in a game with a bunch of kids?”

Player #3: “Are you a pervert or something?”

Me: “What? Of course not! We have no control over who gets grouped together. I had no idea I was so much older than the rest of you until now.”

Player #4: “I’m an accounting major in college. What about you guys?”

Group Admin: “I’m a bio major.”

Player #3: “High school, but I want to study medicine.”

Player #1: “Criminal justice.”

Me: “I work in network engineering and cyber security.”

Player #3: “See?! He’s a pervert! He’s trying to hack us!”

Player #2: “He’s here to perv on kids!”

Me: “Hacking does not work like it does on TV. Most hacking relies on a form of social engineering. I’d have to coerce you to give me some information or to install something on your computer. Don’t click on links strangers send you and you’ll be fine.”

Player #3: “He’s trying to spy on us through our webcams!”

There’s more panic chatter about evil, evil me.

Group Admin: “Sorry, but you’re making people uncomfortable.”

I was then kicked out of the group.

I guess being an adult man playing a game online meant that I must only have evil intent, and the fact that I work in IT means that I have computer-based superpowers that defy all the laws of physics.

This interaction is mostly through email (and paraphrased).

Client: “I want to talk to someone.”

Me: “Of course. Please let us know what this is about, so I can redirect your email if needed.”

Client: “I want to talk to someone. It’s about my home.”

Me: “I understand, but what is the matter?”

Client: “That is private. Please redirect my mail to someone who can call me.”

Me: “I’d love to, but I need to get the gist of what this is about so I can ask the right person to call you.”

Client: “I want someone to call me.”

Me: “If you want to speak to someone live, you can call our customer service. If you want someone to call you, please tell us what it is about.”

Client: “You are invading my privacy!”

Me: “I understand that it’s an inconvenience to explain things, but we have over 600 people working here, from technicians to administrators. If you want me to redirect your email to the right department, I have to know more.”

Client: “Fine! My water tap is leaking.”

Me: “Oh, that is indeed an inconvenience. Luckily, I can help you with that. We can make an appointment with a plumber for you.”

Client: “I don’t want an appointment with a plumber. I want someone to call me!”

I decide I’ve had enough of it, leave my station, and pick one with a phone. I call the client.

Client: “Ugh, finally! That person in the email was so rude — not helpful at all! Anyway, now that you’re calling, my neighbour is parking outside the lines on the parking lot.”

Me: “I thought your email mentioned a leaking tap?”

Client: “I just said that because that annoying person kept on asking. Now, what will you do about my neighbour’s parking?”

It was a public parking place, so we did nothing. She did not like that.

A few months after we have cameras installed, a group comes in consisting of three adults and two kids who are maybe six or seven. They order and sit at two tables to wait. The adults are at a four-seater table and the kids are at a two-seater right next to them.

Immediately, all of the adults bury themselves in their phones, not paying any attention to the kids. The kids decide it’s a dandy idea to play with the salt and pepper shakers by crashing them into each other. A cashier walks over to very obviously clean a nearby table, giving the adults the opportunity to step in and stop the kids from roughly playing with glass.

Crickets from the adults. They’re too busy on their phones.

The cashier walks over to the kids’ table with a huge smile and takes the shakers OFF THE TABLE.

Cashier: *With a big grin* “Don’t want you to get hurt, guys!”

As she walks away with the shakers, the kids start complaining to Mom. It takes Mom a minute to even look up ’cause, you know, HER PHONE.

Mom: *To the cashier* “Why are you so mean? The kids weren’t doing anything wrong!

Blah, blah, blah. Their food is ready, and they go out ranting and moaning.

Mom: “Well, we were gonna stay and eat, but because you’re so rude, now we’re not!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is a win.

Mom: “And we’re never coming back!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is an even bigger win!

Later in the day, Mom ups the ante. She goes to our Facebook to tell her version of what happened.

Mom: “The cashier screamed at my kids! She wrenched the shakers out of their hands and nobody apologized!”

By the time any of us noticed, there were already a few comments, all on her side. Oh, poor kids, the cashier should be fired, you should have gotten your food for free, they owe you an apology, every retail worker on the face of the earth doesn’t want to work anymore, they and all their family members should die in a fire, etc. It was the standard Internet commentary from people who weren’t there, assumed they knew everything, and had absolutely zero chill.

My IT team — basically my two sons and a nephew — uploaded the footage of what REALLY happened. About the only thing Mom didn’t lie about was that they were there and nobody apologized as there was nothing to apologize for. Nobody screamed, the cashier was showing her pearly whites, and nobody “wrenched” the shakers out of the kids’ hands. BUT someone was more interested in her phone than watching her kids. It showed the kids trying to get her attention and her shooing them away.

The next morning, there were about four phone messages from Mom begging us to take down the video. She was getting roasted and toasted online and begged us to pleeeeeeeeeease take it down NOW.

We did eventually take it down… about a month later.