Please Don’t Walk Into My Breasts

, , , , | Friendly | November 24, 2017

(An online acquaintance is transitioning from male to female. We chat, after not communicating for a while.)

Me: “So, what’s new on your front?”

Friend: “Breasts.”

Me: “I walked right into that, didn’t I?”

Won The Prize For Worst Scam

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(A guy running a Facebook page contacts our company asking if we can provide some free stuff for a “competition.” We ask what the competition is supposed to be, and tell him that we would be willing to consider it if they agree to display our logo on all competition-related links and images, and have a link to our social media pages in the posts. He ignores our questions and does not acknowledge any of our terms, so we are suspicious, especially as his Facebook Group is closed and we are having trouble seeing any of his content, despite sending a request to have access to the group.)

Me: “You haven’t answered any of our questions yet; what is this competition supposed to be?”

Scammer: “All of our members have the chance to hit like and share, and then we pick someone at random to receive the prize. Everyone in the group is local, so you can be sure that they will get the prize.”

Me: “If we are sending a prize out, we will send it directly to the winner using a tracked service so that we know it got there. Is there a reason why you are running this competition and want us to sponsor you?”

Scammer: “Nah, no need. I already told you everyone lives locally. Just send it to [address] and we will take it directly to the winner.”

Me: *now really suspicious* “Part of our terms of sponsoring this competition are that we send it directly to the winner, and you still haven’t told us why you are running this and want us to sponsor you.”

Scammer: “Our group has been a bit dead lately, and I just wanted to get the activity going again and remind everyone that our group is still active. I don’t think that our members will be happy giving you their address to send stuff. Our other sponsors have always agreed to send the stuff to the admins first so that they can get a bit, too, after the effort of organising it.”

Me: “Sorry, but we are not interested.”

Scammer: “What? Why not?”

Me: “You are asking us to send you over £100 of stuff for free, not answering any of our questions or agreeing to any of our reasonable terms. Whoever this ‘winner’ is will not even get everything we send out as, apparently, the admins will be taking a slice, too. We do not operate this way, and this is not a group we wish to work with.”

(The guy went ballistic as he had apparently already posted on his group that this competition was happening and had already been receiving his likes and shares for entries. Giving away over £100 was something we were bound to do, apparently. He went away for a few months, then came back again today, asking again if we would be interested in sponsoring a competition he was running, and seemed to have forgotten entirely what happened before.)

Top Marks In Any Language

, , , , , | Learning | October 20, 2017

I am a college teacher at a school that has a lot of international students. I have decided to try giving my students online quizzes this semester.  

After a particular quiz, one of my international students comes up to me, complaining that she has answered every question correctly, but was marked wrong. I log into the system we use to administer these quizzes to look at her quiz. I quickly identify the problem: she answered the yes/no questions correctly… in Portuguese.

I gave her full credit and asked her to use English for these quizzes in the future.

Textbook Case Of Textbook Loss

, , , , , , | Learning | October 19, 2017

(I’m the idiot in this story, but it’s not entirely my fault. I’ve had to order this particular textbook online twice now, as the first one never arrived and the vendor could not provide me with accurate tracking information. I have been waiting for a week now for the second copy, and classes have long since started.)

Me: “Hey, [Roommate], did you get the mail?”

Roommate: “Yeah, it’s on the table.”

(My textbook is not among the mail on the table. I continue checking the mailbox for several days, to no avail. Finally, I give up hope and email the vendor, hoping for a refund.)

Me: “I never received this item. Can I have a refund, please?”

Representative: “Certainly! I just need [personal details] to process the refund.”

(I provide the details they need. At this point, the email thread changes tone, so I can only assume that a different person is on the other end.)

Representative: “Upon looking at your order, your tracking number is [number], and according to the carrier website, your item was delivered several days ago. Please check around your porch area.”

(I go to find my roommate.)

Me: “Are you sure I haven’t received anything in the mail recently?”

Roommate: “Oh, yeah! I have this book that isn’t for any of my classes. Maybe it’s yours?”

(It turns out she’d just assumed that all of the textbooks that had come in the mail were hers! Still, I’m the one who had to email the company back with a shamefaced apology. I’m sure they thought I was trying to scam them!)

Mama And Papa New Guinea

, , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2017

(My friend lives alone in Canada and I live in the US. We spend all of our free time online chatting. She has recently purchased a baby poofy guinea pig as a pet, since her apartment building won’t allow cats or dogs. She has raised guinea pigs before, so she knows what to do. After a couple months, my friend sadly messages me.)

Friend: “I think my guinea pig is dying.”

Me: “Oh, no!”

Friend: “Yeah. She doesn’t move around at all anymore and hasn’t really eaten the past couple of days. I’ll message you later; I’m going for a walk.”

(My friend goes for a walk and then comes home, texting me.)

Friend: “Well, I think my guinea pig is doing better!”

Me: “Really? Awesome!”

Friend: “Yeah! She threw up a couple hairballs and now seems to have more energy.”

Friend: “Oh, God! The hairballs are breathing! It’s babies! She’s having babies! What do I do?!”

Me: “Aww! Let nature take over. She’ll know what to do.”

Friend: “I don’t know how to take care of babies!”

Me: “Relax!”


(We discovered later that guinea pigs mate at a very young age if not separated quickly; the store had not separated them quickly enough!)

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