Woman Seeks Man To Do The Thinking For Her

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 12, 2020

There’s a particular music cruise I’d really like to go on, but there are no single cabins and none of my friends have the money to join me. Thinking it’s worth a try, I post a personal ad online, asking if anyone out there might be interested in also going on this cruise and splitting the cost. I post it in the non-romantic, women-seeking-women section of the website.

The next day, I receive an email that reads, “This is totally absurd. It’ll cost you $2000 to fly to Florida for this one thing! What a waste of money.” The email signature contains a decidedly male given name. 

It’s a slow day at work, so I write back, “Dear [Emailer], you’re getting ripped off on flights if you’re paying $2000 for Vancouver to Miami six months in advance.”

He emails back almost instantly, “You’re wrong!”

I respond, “Nope! See attached screenshot of a flight for less than a quarter of that. Also, why are you creeping around a personals website reading the W4W/platonic ads? Do you get off on giving women unsolicited financial advice or something?”

The email I receive back calls me a number of unflattering names, though perhaps the most baffling one is “dunce.”

(Reader, I blocked him. And yes, I did find someone to go on the cruise with me, and we had a great time.)

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The World War On Piracy

, , , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

(I helped write a WWII flight sim that allows multiplayer action. One night, I am online flying with a few of our loyal customers who I have conversed with on the message boards, plus a random person who has joined us. As the random person signs off, he gives me his chat ID and asks me to chat with him after I finish flying. I finish a few minutes later and fire up the chat program.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Callsign] from the game. How are you?”

User: “Great. I’m burning a copy of the game right now.”

Me: “Why are you doing that?”

User: “Because I think the game is great.”

Me: “Why are you burning a copy if you already have it?”

User: “Oh, I just rented it, so now I’m going to burn a copy to keep. I do it all the time!”

Me: “In case you’re not aware of it, I helped write this game.”

User: “No, you didn’t!”

Me: “Sure did. My name is in the credits. I’m [First Name] ‘[My Callsign]’ [Last Name].”

User: “Well, I’m going to finish burning the copy anyway, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” *laughs*

Me: *speechless*

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Well, What Else Did You Expect From Pirates?

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 29, 2020

(I’m playing an online pirate game with three friends; only four people can fit in a crew. One of my friends finds a girl on an empty ship and is about to leave the game for the night. This is good news. Room for all of us and a fully-stocked ship? H*** yeah! She invites three of my crew to her ship but refuses to invite the fourth, me. I am also a girl.)

Me: “Send me an invite? I can’t join until you invite me.”

Girl: “My friend is actually going to play.”

Me: “Uh…”

Crewmate: “She’s part of our crew. Can’t your friend play with someone else?”

Girl: “No, I want my friend to play on this ship.”

Crewmate: “Why does it matter? We’ll be strangers to her anyway. It would be no different than any other crew she will join. Let our crewmate join, please.”

Girl: “No. I’m the captain and what I say goes.”

(While the game has natural leaders that shine through during the game, nobody has more authority than another. Everyone is on an equal level.) 

Crewmate: “Wow. That’s pretty rude.”

Girl: “I don’t care. This is my ship and I get to decide who plays.”

(At this point, we all could leave and find our own ship, but we don’t feel like being friendly anymore.)

Crewmates: “MUTINY! B****! LOCK HER IN THE BRIG!”

Girl: “Don’t you dare! I invited you to this ship. It’s mine!”

Crewmate: “It’s three against one; this is our ship now.”

(They lock her in the brig.)

Girl: “You motherf*****s! I’m going to make sure I’m on as long as possible so your fourth can’t get on!”

(She presumably put a rubber band on her controller as her character spun in circles for ten minutes and then got kicked from the game for inactivity. Never saw her again.)

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Unfiltered Story #184495

, , | Unfiltered | January 29, 2020

Customer calls to complain because he doesn’t like the shipping cost. (He hasn’t paid for anything yet, so he is free to cancel at any time.)

After about five minutes of ranting….

Customer: Yes, make them fix it. I am a doctor. Make sure they know that I am a doctor, and not to mess with me.

And at the end of the call, when he is finally finished ranting….

Customer: You have a beautiful voice. That person I spoke with the other day was garbage. Thank you. *hangs up*

Me: *exchanges look with nice customer sitting in lobby, who has heard the whole thing, as I purposely put the doctor on speakerphone. Both burst out laughing.*

Nice customer: Well, I guess this job is OK, except for the customers!

Sadly, A World Free Of Bigotry Is Just Fan Fiction

, , , | Friendly | January 26, 2020

(I’ve been chatting to someone on a fanfiction site.)

Woman: “This pairing is disgusting. I can’t believe people write that.”

Me: “I absolutely agree. It’s incest and also abusive.”

Woman: “Well, that, too.”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘That, too.’?”

Woman: “They’re men! Sick homo f***s!”

Me: “I’m not sick.”

Woman: “I didn’t say that.”

Me: “Yes, you did.”

Woman: “You’re a homo?”

Me: “I’m bi. And trans.”

Woman: “F*** you, girl.”

Me: “I’m a guy. And I’m no longer talking to a transphobic and homophobic person. Bye.” *block*

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