I work security for an office building that includes its own warehouse. The setting is similar to what you would see in “The Office”: a moderately-sized warehouse used for company product and supplies, just big enough to warrant having a forklift and a loading dock.

While viewing the cameras, I watch as an Audi SUV pulls into the dock. Obviously, we don’t want normal-sized vehicles in there since the area receives shipments pretty randomly all day. I watch to see if the individual driving it has large items in the back to unload, and he doesn’t, just a singular bag that looks like a Christmas gift.

I call the phone on the dock from our security line, but he ignores it as he is allowed access to our kitchen by one of the line cooks.

That’s fair; he’s not an employee after all.

My next call goes to the kitchen. I inform them that their guest needs to move his vehicle if he is planning on being here long-term or if a truck arrives. They tell me that he will be fast, but before I can even hang up the call, a forty-foot flatbed loaded with pallets of product appears out of nowhere. I quickly tell the person on the phone that if the individual isn’t loading or unloading, he needs to move his vehicle to allow our warehouse to utilize their forklift to unload the truck.

No one comes out.

I call the kitchen again and I am informed that the guest has gone to the restroom. After twenty minutes, I call them again. Now, they don’t know where he is. Apparently, he has gone up into our office spaces to talk to a friend while this truck is outside. Displeased with this news, I ask the kitchen staff to get the make, model, and license plate number down for me, and once the information is provided, I use our building PA system to make a general announcement to the building, asking the driver to return and move their vehicle to our guest parking lot.

No one comes out.

It has now been thirty minutes. I make a second announcement, and as time goes on, a third. Now there are two trucks in our lot which are backing up our parking traffic.

It is time to make “The Call”.

I pick up the phone and summon the lot shark, a spotter that we use to tow vehicles when need be and, unfortunately for the driver of the Audi, not only is he already IN our parking lot but he has preemptively dispatched their tow truck which is almost to the property.

Utilizing the PA, I make another announcement, calling to the driver of the SUV and informing the building that the vehicle will be towed shortly.

The driver doesn’t make an appearance until the second truck is almost done being unloaded, a full two and a half hours after his initial arrival.

He is absolutely pissed that his car is gone and shouts abuse at our warehouse workers before making his way to security where he demands that we bring the vehicle back, telling us that we had no right to tow him from private property.

Now, I don’t know where this poor, poor man learned the law, but it takes a concentrated effort to keep my customer service face on.

Me: “Sir, we made several announcements. Were you able to hear them in your area?”

Guest: “Of course, but towing from a private lot is illegal! You can’t do that!”

Me: “I can assure you that it is perfectly legal, sir. The loading dock is clearly marked as not only a no-parking zone but a tow-away zone with several signs. In compliance with state law, we also have signs clearly displaying the company information for our towing contractor.”

Guest: “You can’t tow from a private lot! I need my car back now or I am calling the police!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I do not work for the towing contractor. Once they have your vehicle, I can’t make them surrender it unless it was towed in error, as they have generated a bill that needs to be paid.”

Guest: “OF COURSE, IT WAS TOWED IN ERROR! YOU CAN’T TOW FROM A PRIVATE LOT! BRING ME MY F****** CAR! I’M NOT PAYING FOR S***!”

I have to admit, at this point, my resolve slips a little bit.

Me: “No.”

Guest: “EXCUSE ME?!”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “I AM CALLING THE POLICE!”

Me: “Let me know how that goes for you.”

The police show up about five minutes later. I’m not sure what he told them to get them to arrive that fast, but they do. The Audi driver wastes no time shouting at the officer and waving his hands around exaggeratedly almost as soon as the officer gets out of his patrol car.

Whatever it is he says strikes a nerve.

The officer takes one casual look around from where he is standing and seems to take a deep breath before holding up a hand, stopping the Audi driver’s shouting.

I watch on the cameras as the officer literally takes this man to every. Single. One. Of our no-parking signs and points them out individually, very obviously going over every word on them and reading them off loudly. He then shows him the red curbs, the stripes on the ground, and the signs within our loading dock itself. The best part is that, while our cameras have no audio, the officer’s body language strongly suggests he is breaking down every single parking control implement as if the man he is speaking to is two years old.

The officer then pulls out a small red book, flips it open, and reads from a page. Once he puts it away, the Audi driver stalks off, taking out his cellphone as he starts reading the information on one of the signs.

The officer shakes his head and comes upstairs.

Me: “Good morning, Officer!”

Officer: “Not when you have to deal with people like that right at the start of a shift!”

Me: “Are you going to arrest me for illegally towing a car off of private property?”

Officer: “Don’t… don’t do that. Would you like to trespass him?”

Me: “No, sir, I don’t believe that will be necessary.”

Officer: “You’re nicer than me.”

Me: “Unfortunately.”

Officer: *Sniffing the air* “Can you let me in through the lobby gate so I can get some of that coffee?”

Me: “I’d be glad to.”

Our kitchen staff gave the officer a full breakfast and a company travel mug of coffee for free, probably out of guilt that their guest had caused such a scene.

My coworker has just put in her two-week notice. She hasn’t told anyone where she is going yet but has vaguely mentioned to me and one other person that she is getting into a completely different industry because she is tired of the type of work she has been doing. However, she hasn’t said this to our bosses, who are the owners of the company.

About halfway through her two weeks, a very bizarre string of events happens. I am not in the office that day, but the story is relayed to me later. Apparently, our bosses, who are both usually very chipper and friendly, spend half the day talking in their office or in hushed tones around the common areas, barely communicating with anyone else in the building. They look aggravated or upset anytime anyone passes by them. They also glare at my coworker whenever they see her.

Finally, at the end of the day, they approach her office and tell her to delete all of her online accounts related to the company while they watch. She obliges but is confused why they are asking her to do this — one, because she still needs some of these accounts to get work done for the next week, and two, because it is not standard protocol for an employee to delete all of these accounts themself; usually an admin will do it for them after they leave. Once she finishes doing this, they tell her to pack up her things and that she will be escorted out of the building!

Now getting very upset, she asks them why she is apparently getting fired a week before her last day. They tell her that they find it insulting and unacceptable that she would leave this company to go work for a direct competitor, bringing them all of the knowledge and trade secrets that she had learned during her time here. Extremely confused and upset, she tells them that she isn’t leaving for a competitor at all; she has accepted a position as a salesperson in a completely unrelated industry. They immediately back off, and with barely an apology, they leave her alone and return to their usual chipper selves.

The next day, the bosses tell the rest of the staff that we will be meeting at a nearby restaurant for our coworker’s going away party. They treat the whole situation like it never happened, and it is never figured out why they thought my coworker was going to work for a competitor. She spends her last week barely getting any work done since she no longer has any company accounts.

In the office where I work, we have “kitchen weeks,” which means we take turns to be responsible for keeping the communal break room and kitchen clean, wiping down the counters, running and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning stinky things out of the fridge, etc.

It works pretty well, except for one coworker who seems to have appointed herself as the kitchen week police. She always finds something to complain about.

It’s my kitchen week, and I’m sitting in the break room hurrying to finish my lunch since I have a meeting in a few minutes. Just as I’m done eating, the dishwasher, which I started a few hours ago, has run its program and beeps to signal that it’s finished. I pop it open to let it cool down, hang a towel over the hatch — this means the dishes inside are clean and waiting to be unloaded — and prepare to go to my meeting.

Unfortunately, my coworker happens to be in the break room at the same time as I am and immediately descends like a hawk.

Coworker: “It’s your kitchen week, isn’t it? Aren’t you going to unload that?”

Me: “I will, but right now I have an online meeting with [Important Client] to update them about [important project]. It’ll take thirty minutes at most. I’ll unload the dishes when I’ve taken care of that.”

Coworker: “Well, don’t expect me to do your job for you!”

Me: “I don’t! I’ll take care of it as soon as my meeting is finished.”

I leave for my meeting, which goes well, and then hurry back to the kitchen to unload the dishwasher. Once I get there, I find that someone has already done it for me. I have my suspicions about who it is, and they are confirmed when I get called into the Human Resources manager’s room the next day. 

The HR manager and I are on friendly terms, and I know I haven’t done anything wrong, so I’m not worried.

HR Manager: “I got a complaint about you from [Coworker]. She claims you refused to unload the dishwasher even though it’s your kitchen week and forced her to do it instead.”

Me: “Oh, really? What actually happened is that I prioritized a scheduled meeting with [Important Client] over unloading the dishwasher, and when I got back to the kitchen, she had already done it herself, completely unprompted.”

HR Manager: “Yeah, I figured it was something like that. You’re not in trouble; I just have to follow up on all complaints I get.”

Me: “Um, not to be that person, but [Coworker] is due to retire soon, right?”

HR Manager: *Sighs deeply* “Not soon enough.”

There is a small bulk store near me that sells a wide array of damaged, returned, or near expiry products. The food is often super cheap but needs to be eaten quickly. Sometimes it was cheaper to buy a multipack than it would be to buy a single serving from a normal store, so I would often bring it to work and share it for free.

I noticed one of the new guys would often help himself with no word of thanks, not even a good morning. There were days when I hadn’t even taken off my coat before he was expecting food.

It annoyed me. Sure, I was just giving it away, and it didn’t really cost me anything, but some basic gratitude would have been appreciated.

It was getting toward the end of the year and I needed to use up some holidays. I had Monday off. When I came back from lunch on Tuesday, [New Guy] was sitting in my chair.

Me: “Can I help you?”

New Guy: “Where were you yesterday?”

Me: “Holiday, why?”

New Guy: “Hmm… Okay, then.”

I sit at my desk and unpack my things. [New Guy] stands there and watches me awkwardly.

Me: “Did you need something?”

New Guy: *As though it’s obvious* “Well, yeah! The food!”

Me: *Playing dumb* “Food? What food?”

New Guy: “The food you normally bring in!”

Me: “Well, I have my lunch, but I need that.”

New Guy: “Oh, for… No, the crisps and biscuits and stuff.”

Me: “Oh! That food! Yeah, didn’t bring any.”

New Guy: “But why?”

Me: “Didn’t feel like it.”

New Guy: “What am I supposed to eat, then?”

Me: “Unfortunately, mothering you isn’t part of my job description.”

He sulked off. He came back the following Monday but could see no big bag of food for him to take — I had left it in my car for later — so he sulked off again!

I work for a small company with ten employees. The Vice President is… Well, let’s just say anything pleasant I have to say about her is about as true as if I explained to you that butterflies are actually birds that are warped by light.

Her one good quality is that she has so little empathy and compassion that she is convinced she is the victim in every single situation when there is no possible way — even those of her own making. If someone is calling her out for anything insensitive, unprofessional, unethical, or all of the above, she will buckle down and act like you are the crazy person, trying to gaslight you with the most ridiculous stories of why you are wrong.

This leads to some pretty entertaining “WTF” moments.

It is also worth noting that the VP has a strange obsession with my uterus and ovaries — a REALLY strange fixation that they are apparently just there to cause her grief.

About six months into working for the company, I fall ill with a stomach bug and end up leaning over the toilet for the better part of the day. I text the VP and the owner letting them know I am taking a sick day as I have a stomach bug.

Immediately after, I get a call from her. At this point, I naively think this woman is kind, caring, and, thoughtful and wants to check up on me. Oh, boy, was I wrong!

VP: *Immediately after I pick up* “Are you pregnant?!”

Me: *Stunned* “Uh… Probably not?”

VP: *Not listening* “You cannot possibly be pregnant. It would really be inconvenient for me. I cannot have you getting pregnant on me!”

This rant goes on for a bit. I am just taken back that this is what she jumped to. Finally, I manage to stop her and inform her that I cannot possibly be pregnant as I am on my period. You would expect at this point that anyone in their right mind would apologize for the assumption, right? 

VP: “Oh, good. That would be really inconvenient for me. Now, why I called you. You can work, right? Since you are not with child?”

This happens twice more when I get the flu and a headache. At this point, I really dread getting sick simply because it comes with a side of accusations about how I am out to get her by ending up pregnant. I probably should tell someone about it, but I can’t believe it happened the first time; I thought it was a fluke. The second and third times are equally cringe-inducing.

It gets worse, though!

[VP] also has an endearing habit of informing me that I am on my period whenever she perceives that I am getting upset about something. She will always stop in mid-sentence and say:

VP: “I know you are young and hormonal, and I am sure that it is ‘that time of the month,’ but I need you to compose yourself.”

If I wasn’t mad before, I certainly am now! When I forcefully inform her that I am not on my period, she insists that I am for a good five minutes until telling me that I am getting uppity with her. It does not matter that I haven’t said a word in that five-minute monologue. 

One time, someone actually walked in on us and she had the gall to tell him that I was “being hormonal because I was on my period” but SHE forgave me.

Recently, I ended up with bronchitis that resulted in pneumonia, which caused me to be at home for a week. Upon discovery, she insists that I am probably just ovulating, ignoring the fact that I am hacking up a lung and have a fever. 

This is during the global health crisis, and I have taken two tests at this point, so I know it isn’t that. I also have a third planned for this afternoon. I inform our boss, who is actually sympathetic, and leave. As I am walking out to the parking lot, [VP] stops me.

VP: “You are probably just ovulating at your age.”

I am sick at this point, so I just walk to my car without a response, because what can you say to someone at this juncture?

Finally, though, when I am feeling better, I decide to “confront her” by copying our boss on an email where I inform her that I am tired of the sexist comments made about my body any time I am sick or when she doesn’t like what I have to say.

She delivers this killer line:

VP: “I would never make comments about you possibly being pregnant or on your cycle. My comment to you about your fever in relation to ovulation was a comment that is a medical fact. I must have been trying to offer a possible cause other than you having [contagious illness].”

Well, you heard it here first, folks. It is just a scientific fact that when you ovulate, your body temperature reaches 99.9-degrees.