(Way back when they’re still a thing, I work at a video rental store. We don’t have an adult film section at all and we are trained with a scripted response for anyone who asks. One particularly busy night, I am oh, so lucky to be the one to answer the phone and get this gem of an exchange:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

(I can hear several children screaming in the background.)

Caller: “Yeah, what’s your p*rn section like?”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? Our…?”

Caller: “Your p*rn section! You know, the little room behind the curtain!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but [Store] is a family establishment and thus we do not have an adult section.”

Caller: *getting suddenly irate* “YEAH? WELL, FAMILIES NEED TO F***, TOO!”

(He hung up on me — more like slammed the phone down — and all I could do for a moment was stare at the handset in confusion before carefully putting it back on the cradle.)

(I am on the tills. A woman comes to me and takes a two-pack of girls pyjamas out of a bag, with a receipt, and hands them to me.)

Customer: “I need to return these; I bought them for my granddaughter for Christmas and they were too small.”

Me: “The return period for Christmas gifts is now over, but I can either exchange them or give store credit at the current till price.”

Customer: “But I have my receipt, and I was told I could return them until the end of January.”

Me: “The last date for return on the receipt was the 25th of December, but we extended it to January 14th, which was posted around the shop, including where you queue and even on the till counters.”

Customer: “Well, I was ill when I bought them so I probably didn’t read them.”

Me: *internally* “And?” *out loud* “Well, they are coming up at £9.00, so as I said, it’s either an exchange or vouchers at till value.”

Customer: “But I paid more than that and I have my receipt.”

(She paid £10.50. Mentally banging my head on the counter, I explain again.)

Customer: “No, I am going to look into this. I have my receipt and they are too small, so you have to refund them. I know my rights.”

Me: “Actually, returning something because it is too small is not included in your statutory rights.”

(She just huffed and grabbed the pyjamas and receipt before stropping off. Just to make clear, I don’t get rude or stroppy with customers; I stay polite, which I think annoys them as they can’t complain I have been rude or stroppy to them. I was being nice. I could have actually refused to return them as she had had them so long over our return policy. And all over £1.50…)

(I’m working at the concession counter of a movie theater. Aside from popcorn and soda, we don’t really have anything particularly fancy. A guest walks up and starts the following exchange after I greet him.) 

Customer: “Excuse me, but do you have any burgers, or any sort of real meals here that I can order?”

Me: “Oh, sorry! We don’t have expanded food here, so we don’t have any burgers or anything like that, but we do have…”

(I list the foods we do have, which are made to order and mostly frozen foods we cook in an oven, including personal pizzas. We also have hot dogs on a grill which are ready to go, and I mention this. The guest makes his decision.) 

Guest: “I’ll have a hot dog and a pizza.”

Me: “The pizza will take about six minutes; is that okay with you?”

Guest: *a little reluctantly* “Yes, that’s fine.”

Me: “Great! Would you like the cheese or pepperoni pizza?”

Guest: “Yes.”

(I wait for a beat to see if he says anything else.) 

Me: “Sorry, did you want two pizzas?”

Guest: “Huh?”

(I try a different emphasis on words.)

Me: “Would you like a cheese pizza or the pepperoni pizza?”

Guest: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we just have two pizzas. There’s the cheese, or the pepperoni—”

Guest: “Yes! Can it not be both?”

(I’m baffled and try thinking of the best way to go around this.)

Me: “Uh… you want two pizzas?”

Guest: “No!”

Me: “So—”

Guest: “Why can it not be both?”

Me: *taking a chance* “How about the pepperoni, then? That also has the cheese on it, so—”

(I try to go on to explain that the only difference is the inclusion of pepperoni, but he waves me off.) 

Guest: “I won’t have a pizza. It sounds much too complicated. Just give me a hot dog.”

Me: “Oh. Okay, then—”

(I cringe inside because, as it happens, we have two kinds of hot dogs on the grill and strict orders to up-sell from the regular to the specialty.)

Me: “Would you like the regular hot dog or—”

Guest: “Jesus Christ!”

(He threw his hands in the air and stormed away. I guess you just can’t win sometimes; I’m still wondering if he had never heard of pepperoni.)

(I’m the supervisor in a copy center that’s part of a larger retail chain. Unlike some other similar copy centers from competing chains, ours does not have PCs available for public use. A man rushes up to the PC just as I step away from it, sits down, and begins browsing the Internet.)

Me: “Sir, did you need copies?”

(The customer ignores me.)

Me: “Maybe some color prints, or duplicates of something you already have…?”

(He shoves a stack of papers at me.)

Customer: “I need twenty copies of this.”

Me: “In color or black and white, sir?”

(The customer ignores me.)

Me: “Because if you want the blue sections to show up, I’ll have to make them in color.”

(He continues to ignore me, so I decide I’ll make black and white copies. I bring him the finished prints.)

Customer: “No! These are wrong! Useless! They’re garbage now! I want it to look like this!”

(Since his original document was already a copy, the set I made is of noticeably poorer quality.)

Me: “Sir, any time you copy a copy, it’s going to—”

Customer: “When I print it from the computer, it doesn’t look like that!”

Me: “That’s because you were printing from a digital version. That’s always going to be a better print qual—”

(He interrupts me again to demand more copies, and ignores me any time I try to intervene. Several associates approach him and each time we’re ignored. The customer stays for a full two hours before I have had enough. I call the store manager over to assist me, since he has the authority to kick customers out of the store.)

Manager: “Listen, buddy. This PC isn’t for customer use. You’re preventing us from completing other customers’ orders and from doing work that needs doing around the store. I need you to wrap up what you’re doing here and leave.”

(There’s a heated argument about whether or not the customer is allowed to continue using the PC, and the store manager eventually convinces the customer to get up out of the chair and pay for his copies. Once everything is settled, the store manager goes back to his interrupted conference. The customer waits until the office door closes, and then approaches the PC again.)

Customer: *to me* “How long are you going to be using that computer? Because I have stuff to print.”

Me: *incredulous* “Sir, as the store manager just told you, this PC is not for customer use. Unless you have your documents print-ready and saved to a flash drive or CD, I can’t help you. Just because he’s not standing here, that doesn’t mean I can let you back on the PC.”

Customer: “Fine! I’m going somewhere else!”

(He collected his things and stormed out, but not before taking down the names of all the associates who were present for the episode.)

(Per my client’s instructions, I’ve just finished painting the walls and installing the new carpet. I painted the chair rail but did not paint the baseboards, as the client wanted to keep them a natural wood color. She did not look at the walls before I installed the carpet. The client comes in to give her seal of approval.)

Client: “Hmm… I do love the blue [walls] and the beige [carpet], but something is off…” *thinks for a moment* “I know what it is! This here—” *points to the chair rail* “—is a nice white, but those down there—” *points to the baseboards* “—are an ugly brown.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you wanted those to match the doors.”

Client: “Oh. Well, now the trim doesn’t match. Fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, if I do that, it will be much harder to paint because I’ve just installed your new carpet. I’ll also have to charge you extra.”

Client: “What?! You still have paint left, don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but—”

Client: “Then use that! Honestly, how crooked can you be? Charging you for materials you already have!”

Me: “Ma’am, I would have to add a labor cost.”

Client: “Crook! Get out of my house and leave me my paint! I’ll do it myself!”