To Be Fair Any Question About Pizza Is Best Answered “Yes”

(I’m working at the concession counter of a movie theater. Aside from popcorn and soda, we don’t really have anything particularly fancy. A guest walks up and starts the following exchange after I greet him.) 

Customer: “Excuse me, but do you have any burgers, or any sort of real meals here that I can order?”

Me: “Oh, sorry! We don’t have expanded food here, so we don’t have any burgers or anything like that, but we do have…”

(I list the foods we do have, which are made to order and mostly frozen foods we cook in an oven, including personal pizzas. We also have hot dogs on a grill which are ready to go, and I mention this. The guest makes his decision.) 

Guest: “I’ll have a hot dog and a pizza.”

Me: “The pizza will take about six minutes; is that okay with you?”

Guest: *a little reluctantly* “Yes, that’s fine.”

Me: “Great! Would you like the cheese or pepperoni pizza?”

Guest: “Yes.”

(I wait for a beat to see if he says anything else.) 

Me: “Sorry, did you want two pizzas?”

Guest: “Huh?”

(I try a different emphasis on words.)

Me: “Would you like a cheese pizza or the pepperoni pizza?”

Guest: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we just have two pizzas. There’s the cheese, or the pepperoni—”

Guest: “Yes! Can it not be both?”

(I’m baffled and try thinking of the best way to go around this.)

Me: “Uh… you want two pizzas?”

Guest: “No!”

Me: “So—”

Guest: “Why can it not be both?”

Me: *taking a chance* “How about the pepperoni, then? That also has the cheese on it, so—”

(I try to go on to explain that the only difference is the inclusion of pepperoni, but he waves me off.) 

Guest: “I won’t have a pizza. It sounds much too complicated. Just give me a hot dog.”

Me: “Oh. Okay, then—”

(I cringe inside because, as it happens, we have two kinds of hot dogs on the grill and strict orders to up-sell from the regular to the specialty.)

Me: “Would you like the regular hot dog or—”

Guest: “Jesus Christ!”

(He threw his hands in the air and stormed away. I guess you just can’t win sometimes; I’m still wondering if he had never heard of pepperoni.)