(I work at a diner that’s connected to a hotel. The front desk is in the diner. A man is checking in at the front desk, and I’m doing prep in the kitchen in front of the window that sees into the dining area.)

Customer: “Hey, do you have any more of the meatloaf special?”

Me: “Yeah, we’ve got plenty. Want some?”

Customer: “Nah, I just want to go to bed. Will there be some leftover tomorrow?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Can I get the special price tomorrow?”

Me: “Yeah, you can get the special price, plus a dollar.”

(He huffed and finished checking in, then left. The front desk girl came over laughing and told me she’d told him the same thing, but he told her to stay out of it before asking me.)

(I’m an employee at a popular Halloween and costume store. With Halloween around the corner, it’s getting busier. Lines at the register are long; there’s even a line at our fitting rooms, which I’m helping manage. A younger guy walks up to the side of the counter and asks if I work there. While refraining from gesturing to my bright purple apron with the company’s name on it, I smile and say:)

Me: “Yes! Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you have any [Character I don’t know] costumes?”

(I don’t remember seeing that name on any packages in the store. It’s not a large store, but I have missed some things before.)

Me: “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t recognize the name.”

Customer: “Well, she’s a p*rn star.”

(Sexy nurse? Sure. Sexy priest? I can show you. Sexy ninja? Right behind you. P*rn star? Can’t help ya.)

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have any p*rn star costumes. I’m not sure how popular it is, but even so, we don’t have a lot of the classics, either.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Do you have any sexy costumes? For women?”

Me: “Yes, of course! All of our adult costumes are on this half of the store. Women’s are mixed in, with all the sexy costumes, too.”

Customer: “Okay, great! Do you have any wigs?”

Me: “Yep, we have a whole wall of wigs in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Okay. I don’t really like how my girl looks, so I’m trying to dress her up.”

Me: *trying my best to keep my working smile on and my tone polite* “Okay, yeah, we have a ton of wigs in the back, as well as many other accessories including corsets, leggings, and gloves!”

Customer: “Okay, great! Can I have your number?”

(No leading up to it. Blunt. He literally just said he had a girl, and even bashed her looks. Of course, this is the one day I came into work dressed up.)

Me: “Um, sorry, but I’m kind of working right now. It would be unprofessional of me to give out my number.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I feel you.”

(He walked away. I didn’t see where he walked to. I got back to working the fitting rooms and never saw him again. I had a good laugh about it later on. Everyone I told agreed that he was a pig. A pig with ramen noodles for hair.)

(I have just ticked over the twelve-month mark as a store manager for a nationwide video game retailer. My predecessor was quite spineless and let customers walk all over our staff, including encouraging them to break policy for refunds and the like. To help rebuild staff morale, I have given every full-time staff member one “f*** off” a year. If a customer is being difficult or belligerent, the staff member can tell the customer to f*** off and ban them from the store. I will back my team all the way to corporate if they use this, because I know they have the store’s best interest at heart. I am the first one to use this, in the last month. A man approaches my register with a new release game, marked at full price.)

Customer: “I want to do a deal with you guys. [Competitor #1] across the mall have this game for $79.” *$20 cheaper than us* “But, if you promise to sell it to me for $59, I’ll buy another two game from you that are worth $50. What do you say?”

Me: “I’m sorry, if you can find the game cheaper elsewhere then I recommend you go for it as I can’t reduce the price beyond a price match.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Okay, then. I know that [Competitor #2] is selling this game at $59. Will you beat that?”

Me: “No, because according to their website they’re selling the game at $85.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s one of those special ‘in-store only’ sales! It’s not online!”

Me: “Odd. When were you there?”

Customer: “About ten minutes ago.”

Me: “Hmm, well, I was there around half an hour ago on my break. I didn’t see that sticker. Either they did it in the last 20 minutes, or you misread the sign.”

Customer: “Listen. I am a very rich man and I shop here all the time. The owner of this store would be pissed if he knew what you were doing to me. I. Want. This. Game. For. $59. Got. It.?”

Me: “I will sell the game to you at $85 for a price match. No less.”

Customer: “I’m going to call your boss and see what he says.” *pulls out his phone*

Me: *picks up store phone before he has finished dialing* “You’re talking to the boss. F*** off.”

Customer: *shocked* “I… uh… What did you say to me?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I didn’t recognise you. Can I have your loyalty card, please?”

(The customer hands over his card and I scan it.)

Me: “Okay, thanks for that, Mr. [Customer]. As manager of this store, I inform you that you are no longer welcome on-site for displaying threatening behaviour. Now, f*** off before I call security.”

(My staff stood there with jaws open as he turned and left the store. I updated his loyalty account with details of his banning. One of my team used his “f*** off” the next week on a group of teenagers who were trying to jimmy our shelving racks. We have one staff member with one left; he reckons he’s saving his for Christmas.)

(I work in a well-known coffee shop. One day, a woman approaches me and asks to speak to my manager. I call the shift supervisor over, since she’s in charge in the manager’s absence. The shift and the customer go out into the café. I can’t hear their conversation, as I am busy making a line of drinks and tending to customers. I can see the look on the shift’s face, though, and she looks bewildered. After their exchange, the customer exits the store and the shift returns behind the line.)

Me: “What was that about?”

Shift: “You’re not going to believe this! That woman called me over there to tell me that the table was too ugly for her to sit at.”

Me: “Seriously?! What the h*** did she want you to do about it?”

Shift: “I don’t know, but from the way she was speaking to me it was as though she expected me to get on the phone right now to order a new table. Or maybe she wanted me to just make a new one appear, because, you know, we’ve got extra tables hanging around and we just keep the good ones in the back.”

Me: “Wow… just… wow.”

Shift: “I know, right? It’s not as though I can just pull one out of my butt and set it up for her.” 

Me: “Maybe she’s the one that needs to pull something out of her butt.”

Shift: “Yeah, like her head.”

(The “ugly” table was a bit weathered and someone had carved a name into it, but other than that there was nothing wrong with it. No other customer had ever complained about it, and dozens of people happily sat there every day.)

(I am running the self-check area on a very busy Friday afternoon. A lady, accompanied by two small children — a one- or two-year-old and a three- or four-year-old — approaches one of the registers and checks her groceries through without incident, but she calls me over.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry, but I think I’ve left my wallet in my car.”

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “Can I just leave these groceries here and run out to the car for my wallet?”

Me: “Sure, no problem!”

Customer: “Do you think I could leave my kids here, too, while I run out to the car?”

Me: *with an expression of utter shock* “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Customer: *disappointed* “Oh…”

(She wanted to leave her children with a complete stranger, in a busy store. Really?!)