(I am at the box office of a movie theater selling tickets for this evening’s showings. A guy in his mid-20s walks in.)

Customer: *in broken English* “How much are senior tickets?”

Me: “They’re $7.99, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, then. I want a ticket to [movie].”

Me: *selects a general ticket for $11.99*

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “It’s $11.99.”

Customer: “You said it was $7.99!”

Me: “I said a senior ticket is $7.99; a general ticket is $11.99.”

Customer: *getting very angry* “I want a senior ticket. I always get a senior ticket.”

Me: “A senior ticket is for people who are 65 and over. You are not even close to 65 so I cannot sell you a senior ticket.”

Customer: “I don’t want it, then.” *storms out of the theatre*

(I work at a fast food sandwich shop. I come out of the back room and hear an irate customer talking to my coworker. I decide to watch, because she can get rather sassy with rude customers.)

Coworker: “Would you like anything else on this?”

Customer: “Could you not talk like that?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I’m recovering from a cold, so my voice is a little hoarse.”

Customer: “Your voice is really annoying me.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I can’t speak any differently until my cold is completely gone.”

Customer: “Your voice is getting really d*** annoying!” *points at me* “You, finish my sandwich. I’m done with her.”

(The customer immediately became very polite once my coworker went into the back room. I finished up the sandwich and rang her up.)

(I work in the bakery of a grocery store chain. We sell our own cheesecake and the cheesecake of a very well known “factory”. We have full cakes of both brands but only sell slices in the name brand variety.)

Customer: *walks up to counter* “Do you have any chocolate eclairs today?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry, not today.”

Customer: “Okay.” *looks around for a little bit* “Your cheesecake slices are seven dollars?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. They are from [Popular Factory].”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well… that’d use up all my money… Wanna give me a discount?”

Me: “I can’t, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But… I really want the cheesecake!”

Me: “I’m not allowed to give any discounts, but I can call over my supervisor. He can—”

Customer: “I just want cheesecake!”

Me: “Want me to call him over?”

Customer: “No, just give me the cheesecake for free!”

Me: “I can’t, but my supervisor might be able to do something for you.”

Customer: “You are so un-Christian!” *stomps off*

(One night at work, we have a party of fifty-ish people coming in. We are a very small restaurant — ten tables and a sushi bar — but we don’t take private parties, so we try to accommodate them on top of our usual Friday-night crowd. They are still there taking up the majority of the tables when a couple comes in at the end of the night, like five minutes before we close.)

Me: “Hi. Welcome to [Restaurant]. Will it just be two tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

Me: “All right, you guys will just be right over here.” *takes them to their table, which happens to be the closest to the door but also the only thing open*

Customer: “Uh, absolutely not. I refuse to sit here. I want to sit further in!”

Me: *gestures towards the crowd of people at the other end of the restaurant* “I’m sorry, sir, but those tables are full.”

Customer: “That’s f****** ridiculous; I’m going to look for another table down there!” *stomps off into the crowd*

(At this point, some of the big party left so there are two open tables, but I couldn’t see this past the crowd and they aren’t clean.)

Customer: *stomps back over to me* “THERE ARE TWO F****** TABLES OPEN! I DEMAND THAT YOU SIT ME AT ONE OF THOSE!”

Me: “Sure, sir, it’ll just be a minute for us to clean one of them off for you.” *sends another hostess to clean and set the table*

Customer: *stares at her until it’s clean and then sits without being told anything else*

(The big party all gets up and leaves and I see him walking to the front again. All I can think is, “Great. What does this jack*** want now?”)

Customer: “Thank you for doing that for me, darlin.’” *slips $40 into my hand* “I just really don’t like that table.”

(Such a weird night.)

(I work in the customer service center of a major theme park. My coworkers and I only deal with problems related to our particular park, and not any other parks or properties owned by our company. I get a call.)

Me: “You’ve reached the [Theme Park] customer service center. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “You need to fire [Extremely Common Male First Name]!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “[First Name]. You need to fire him right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry your experience with us was not what you were expecting. Could you tell me a little more about the problem you’re having?”

Caller: “[First Name] was rude to me! I demand you fire him!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’ll need a little more information before I can help you, ma’am.”

Caller: *raising her voice* “[First Name]! [FIRST NAME]! HE WAS RUDE TO ME! FIRE HIM!”

(I feel like I probably shouldn’t humor her by checking our employee database, but I do anyway.)

Me: “Ma’am, there are 27 employees of our park with that name. I’m not sure which [First Name] has been giving you a problem.”

Caller: “It wasn’t in your park, you idiot! It was in the restaurant!”

Me: “Which restaurant?”

Caller: “THE RESTAURANT! THE ONE ON [STREET]!”

(The street she names is several blocks from the edge of our company’s property.)

Me: “Wait a moment. You’re calling the [Theme Park] service line to complain about an employee of some other business?”

Caller: “[Our Company] owns this whole state! Everyone knows that! Now you need to fire that rude boy!”

Me: “[Our Company] does not own that restaurant, ma’am. I suggest you speak to the manager of the restaurant because there’s nothing I can do for you.”

Caller: “Listen to me, you key-pushing nitwit. Do you have any idea how much I spent on my [Our Company] vacation? [Five-digit amount]! Everyone knows that if you spend [less than what she claims to have spent] then you’re entitled to a superior level of service! [First Name] was rude to me and he must get what he deserves!“

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

Caller: “Then let me speak to your boss! I’ll have him fire [First Name] and you, too, or else I’ll just take my [amount of money she claims to have spent] to [Rival Theme Park Company], instead!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to transfer you to my supervisor, although he’s currently in a meeting with the head of our division and it might be several minutes before he can take your call.”

Caller: “NO! THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I SPENT [AMOUNT] ON MY VACATION! YOU GO TELL YOUR BOSS HE’S GOING TO LOSE MY BUSINESS! I’LL GET HIM FIRED, TOO!”

Me: “If you continue to threaten our employees, ma’am, I’m going to disconnect this call.”

Caller: “Why are you protecting [First Name], anyway, huh?! Is he your boyfriend or something?!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Caller: “It all makes sense now! Trash boys always date trash girls!”

Me: “The [Company] is grateful for your business and hopes your experience with us was truly magical.” *hangs up*

(That night in our break room, I overhear this conversation between two of my coworkers.)

Coworker #1: “And then I got this angry lady on the line demanding to speak to [First Name]’s girlfriend. She just screamed gibberish at me for like three minutes straight.”

Coworker #2: “Wait a minute, you got her, too? ‘I spent [amount] on my vacation and you need to fire [First Name] and his trash girlfriend’?”

Coworker #1: “That’s her, dude.”

Coworker #2: “Ugh. I hung up on her after like two minutes. She kept saying we were conspiring to protect these ‘trash’ people and threatening to get me fired.”

Me: “I guess the phrase ‘first available representative’ is lost on some people.”