My coworker is going to a popular sub restaurant and offers to pick up lunch for the office
I ask for a BLT, but I don’t want mayo and I don’t want it to wind up with the oregano, oil, and vinegar that this restaurant puts on most sandwiches, so I ask for “a BLT with no condiments.”
My coworker comes back with a six-inch sub with nothing on it but bacon.
My boyfriend and I are both avid nerds — we met at a convention — and one of our favorite things to do together is cosplay, with him doing most of the prop-building and me doing most of the sewing.
As such, I’m delighted one year when he gets me a heavy-duty industrial steam iron for Christmas, as well as a gift card for my favorite fabric shop. When I’m talking about this at the family Christmas party, my sister is considerably less impressed.
Sister: “He got you an iron? How sexist can you get?”
Me: “Yeah, a really nice one that I probably wouldn’t have bought for myself, so we can get a cleaner finish on costume pieces. It’s a useful tool for a hobby I enjoy; what’s wrong with that?”
Sister: “It’s degrading! He expects you to iron his shirts for him?!”
Me: “Nah, I’ll be ironing cloaks and surcoats and costume pieces.”
Sister: “Same difference!”
Me: “Didn’t [Her Husband] get you a set of those Silpat baking mats for Christmas?”
Sister: “Yeah, I’m so excited to try baking with them! Why, what’s your point?”
Me: *Pause* “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!
Today has been extremely busy and we’re getting to customers as fast as we can. I am speaking to an irate customer.
Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I just came through drive-thru and didn’t get any d*** sauce for my nuggets!”
A manager walks over.
Manager: “Can I see your receipt?”
Customer: “I ain’t got no d*** receipt. Just give me my sauce!”
Manager: “Okay, well, without the receipt, it’s 27 cents each.”
The customer begins screaming at the manager for her sauce, before eventually throwing change at my manager’s face.
Customer: “There, now can I get my f****** sauce?! B****!”
I can see my manager really trying to reign in her temper.
Manager: “Leave my store.”
Customer: “What the f***? I gave you the money; give me my sauce!”
Manager: “Leave my store now before I call the police!”
The irate customer flips off my manager and leaves, only to have her mother walk in a couple of minutes later, very meek and apologetic.
Customer’s Mom: “I’m so sorry for how my kid is acting; can I buy some sauces, please?”
The customer did end up buying a few sauces, but still no receipt emerged! The manager who worked with the customer took a few minutes to calm down, and everything went smoothly from there.
I work at the front desk of a grocery store and we have a lottery machine. On a hot August day, I am printing a woman’s tickets.
She reaches into the neckline of her mumu and pulls out a wad of cash glistening with “boob sweat.” She puts the money on the counter and I take the eraser end of a pencil and slide the damp bills onto a paper towel.
Customer: “There’s nothing wrong with that money.”
Me: “Would it be okay if I gave you your lottery tickets after I shoved them down my pants?”
This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!
My phone has suddenly lost its speaker function, so I am looking to buy a cheap phone as soon as possible.
Employee #1: “We don’t do contracts anymore; you just buy a phone at retail price and we bill for service.”
Me: “Okay, what’s the cheapest non-smartphone you have?”
Employee #1: “We have this one for $99 and this for $199.”
Me: “What’s the difference?”
Employee #1: “Uh…”
Employee #2: “This one—” *pointing to the $199 phone* “—is heavier.”
Me: “And…?”
Employee #1: “It’s heavier duty.”
Me: “Okay… I’ll take the $99 phone.”
Employee #1: “Do you want to pay today, or use a twenty-four-month installmant plan?”
Me: “What’s the difference going to be?”
Employee #1: “If we break it up over twenty-four months, you are protected in case the phone you get is a lemon, because you haven’t paid for it all yet!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Employee #2: “Yeah, if you pay for the phone in full before you leave the store, it voids the two-week return policy.”
Employee #1: “So, if the phone is a lemon, you’re stuck!”
Me: “Wait, so you’re telling me that if you sell me a broken phone, if I pay for it all at once you won’t let me return it?”
Employee #1: “No, because that voids the return policy.”
Me: “So, you can only return defective items if you haven’t paid for it yet?”
Employee #2: “That’s right, so you should take the twenty-four-month plan.”
Me: “Okay… Well, do you charge interest or anything extra?”
Employee #2: “Nope, just break it up into payments.”
I think paying it off slowly might be convenient.
Me: “Okay, let’s do it.”
Employee #1: “Great, I’ll ring you up. So, with the Store Fee, that will be $129 plus tax.”
Me: “What ‘Store Fee’?”
Employee #1: “It’s $30 to purchase a phone in the store.”
Employee #2: “It’s because you are eligible to buy a new phone. You only have the $30 fee. If you weren’t eligible to buy a new phone we’d have to double the cost of your service fees!”
Me: “What? So there’s no contract, but I’m somehow ‘eligible’ to buy a phone at full retail price, as opposed to somehow… not being allowed to buy a phone? And for the privilege of buying a phone in your store, there’s a fee?”
Employee #1: “It’s only $30.”
Employee #2: “It seems like a lot because you’re buying a cheaper phone.”
Me: “Say I got my phone fixed or bought it somewhere else. Is there an activation fee to get it on my service plan?”
Employee #1: “Um…”
Employee #2: “No…”
Me: “All right, then.”
I left and found the $199 phone online for $79. And, much to my surprise, they were telling the truth; there was no activation fee. And I wasn’t charged $30 online for the privilege of buying a product!
