When I am a kid, my extended family gets together to watch sporting events on TV. One night, we’re watching a basketball game when the officiating crew makes a terrible call. My cousin, age eight, is irate.

Cousin: “Them b******s!”

There is a collective gasp at hearing a kid swear so loudly. My aunt opens her mouth to chastise him, but my grandmother beats her to it.

Grandmother: “[Cousin]! How dare you?! You know better than that!”

Cousin: “I’m sorry!”

Grandmother: “How many times am I going to have to tell you? It’s not ‘THEM B******S,’ it’s ‘THOSE B******S’!”

Ladies and gentlemen, my grandma, the English teacher.

The customer is angry that he can’t have a discount.

Me: “Do you have any other questions?”

Customer: “Yes. Where the f*** are you from?”

Me: “I am from [Town], Illinois.”

Customer: “And where the f*** is that?”

Me: “It’s in western Illinois, on the Mississippi.”

Customer: “That’s where you f****** belong.” *Click*

A lady in her late fifties comes in with an old photo she would like restored and prints made from. While I’m looking at it, she sees a framed maternity portrait I had shot hanging on the wall. This is a very modest portrait; the mom-to-be is wearing a full-length skirt and a white cotton shirt with just her belly showing out. The only skin visible is her face, arms below the elbow, and belly; it’s definitely “G” rated.

Client: “How dare you have that picture hanging there; it’s disgusting!”

Me: “Which one?”

Client: “That horrible one with the belly hanging out! It is immoral!”

Me: “Maternity portraits are very popular; a lot of women want to capture that special time in their lives with a tastefully done session.”

Client: “It is not tasteful; it is disgusting and filthy!”

Just because I don’t want to deal with her anymore, my yet-to-be said price for the work she wants done goes from $40 to $125 in the hopes she will leave. To my surprise, she agrees to the price and leaves the work for me to do.

She comes back a few days later to pick up the finished restoration.

Client: “Why is that still hanging there? I told you it was disgusting; you should take it down or you’ll lose business!”

I am trying to be diplomatic and get her out the door.

Me: “Well, I’ve been busy and don’t have anything else ready to put up right now.”

Client: “I am horrified about that photo! We have standards in this community!”

Me: “Sorry, the mom-to-be loved the portrait. People tell me all the time how much they like it. I’ve gotten many bookings for similar sessions in the area… so the community that I consider my clients belonging to likes them.”

The client is now furious.

Client: “How dare you expose me and the innocent minds of children to such pornographic photos! That slut doesn’t mind showing her disgusting flesh to the world from her sin-filled shame but I don’t have to look at it! I would never be so disgusting to let the world see me like that!”

The model is a friend of mine who spent years with her husband trying to conceive a child and they are two of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I look at the customer, look down and up, and then make strong eye contact.

Me: “You are in no danger of ever being asked by me to model, so no need to worry about it.”

Her head almost exploded; she grabbed her photo and stormed out. It is good owning the place and being able to decide that there are just some people who I really don’t care if they ever come back. And as a bonus, any friends of hers aren’t the kind of clients I want, either.

This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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I spend my shift sorting through the regular-priced merchandise and pulling out all of the clearance. On my break, I walk past one of the managers who is notoriously awful on my way to the bathroom. While I am in there, in the stall mind you, she pops in the door and starts talking to me.

Manager: “You can’t even go to the bathroom in peace around here! How are you doing over there?”

Initially, I think she is actually talking about my bathroom functions, but I realize she means my area of the store.

Me: “Fine.”

I’m hoping she’ll go away.

Manager: “Okay, are you wrapping up over there?”

Me: “Yes.”

Manager: “Is there a lot of clearance?”

Me: “Yes.”

My manager then began chatting with some other associate or customer outside the door. I washed my hands and booked it past her and took my break. I know, I should have said, “I’ll talk to you when I’m done and not a moment sooner!” But I was so surprised and angry that I didn’t think of it immediately.

My coworker is going to a popular sub restaurant and offers to pick up lunch for the office

I ask for a BLT, but I don’t want mayo and I don’t want it to wind up with the oregano, oil, and vinegar that this restaurant puts on most sandwiches, so I ask for “a BLT with no condiments.”

My coworker comes back with a six-inch sub with nothing on it but bacon.