There’s a public playground structure at a mall in the city where we live. The structure is designed specifically for climbing and is essentially a series of lily pads that spiral vertically about two stories high. The entire thing is encased in nets so the kids can’t fall. There are four different pathways up the lily pads to the top. Basically, the kids climb all over each other up, down, and sideways like a bunch of wild chimpanzees.

My four-year-old has been climbing for about an hour, and it’s almost dinner time, so I call him over to put his shoes on and leave. As I’m helping him, a woman walks up with her six- or seven-year-old child and speaks directly to my son, ignoring me.

Woman: “You stepped on his leg!”

Me: “What’s that?”

Woman: “Is this your child? He was climbing over my child!”

The other child is not visibly upset in any way and honestly looks more embarrassed than anything.

Me: “Okay?”

Woman: “He needs to apologize!”

Me: “Is your son hurt?”

Woman: “No, but your son needs to say he’s sorry. He was climbing and he stepped on my child!”

Me: *Blank stare* “I mean, all the kids are climbing and stepping all over each other. That’s why they don’t allow shoes, and if he’s not hurt, I’m not sure what the problem is.”

Woman: “Ugh!” *To her child* “Come on, these people are obviously not going to say they are sorry. Nice thing to teach your kid.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to make my child apologize for playing on a playground in the manner that it was designed to be played on. If you don’t want anyone to come into physical contact with your kid, maybe this isn’t the best place to bring him. Also, your kid is twice the size of mine.”

She storms off in a huff.

Son: “Mom, what was wrong with that lady?”

Me: “She doesn’t seem to understand how the playground works.”

He thinks about that for a minute.

Son: *Very seriously* “I think it’s because she can’t fit because she’s a grown-up. That’s why she doesn’t know how to climb there.”

I was amused at his attempt to figure out why on earth someone wouldn’t understand that a climbing playground does allow climbing.

I’m playing an online game on my phone that randomly places you into games with groups of people. There’s no way to look up any information about your fellow users and no way to control the random groupings (besides selecting a regional server). The game is also widely enjoyed by people of all ages.

The group I have been playing with for a while becomes unusually chatty and some players start asking questions.

Player #1: “How old is everyone? I am nineteen, male.”

Player #2: “I’m seventeen, male.”

Player #3: “Fifteen, female.”

Group Admin: “Eighteen, female.”

Player #4: “Twenty, male.”

Me: “Oh, wow. I’m thirty-five, male.”

Player #2: “Why are you in a game with a bunch of kids?”

Player #3: “Are you a pervert or something?”

Me: “What? Of course not! We have no control over who gets grouped together. I had no idea I was so much older than the rest of you until now.”

Player #4: “I’m an accounting major in college. What about you guys?”

Group Admin: “I’m a bio major.”

Player #3: “High school, but I want to study medicine.”

Player #1: “Criminal justice.”

Me: “I work in network engineering and cyber security.”

Player #3: “See?! He’s a pervert! He’s trying to hack us!”

Player #2: “He’s here to perv on kids!”

Me: “Hacking does not work like it does on TV. Most hacking relies on a form of social engineering. I’d have to coerce you to give me some information or to install something on your computer. Don’t click on links strangers send you and you’ll be fine.”

Player #3: “He’s trying to spy on us through our webcams!”

There’s more panic chatter about evil, evil me.

Group Admin: “Sorry, but you’re making people uncomfortable.”

I was then kicked out of the group.

I guess being an adult man playing a game online meant that I must only have evil intent, and the fact that I work in IT means that I have computer-based superpowers that defy all the laws of physics.

Today is a windy day. A coworker and I are putting up flyers for a building event. We have quite a few in a small box, one for each elevator lobby, each exterior door, etc. I partially tape one flyer on the front door while my coworker and I chat idly, and as I go for the tape to complete the flyer, an employee from another office cuts in with a hasty, “Excuse me, sorry,” and throws the door open all the way to go outside.

The wind pushes into the lobby, ripping the flyer I have been putting up off the glass and sending the rest of them shooting out of the box across God’s creation.

The employee just trots away without addressing the chaos she has just unleashed because she didn’t want to wait a literal fraction of a second for me to put down the second piece of tape. It’s worth noting that only six feet to the right there is another set of doors.

Coworker: “I hate people.” 

Me: “Understandable.”

I was at a scenic overlook in Hawaii with my family and noticed a group of foreign tourists attempting to take a selfie, but there were so many of them that they had trouble fitting everyone in the frame. I walked over and mimed taking a picture with a questioning look on my face, indicating that I was willing to take the picture for them. They agreed in a flurry of what I was pretty sure was German. I know a very, very little bit — so tiny it barely counts. I framed the shot and used my incredibly limited German to let them know I was ready to take the picture.

Me: “Eins, zwei, drei!”

(One, two, three!)

I took a few pictures and handed the smartphone back. The group thanked me.

Tourists: “Danke!”

This was followed by lots of rapid German.

Me: “Uh… um, no sprechen.”

They responded in confused German.

I began counting off on my fingers.

Me: “Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, danke shoen, bitte, ja, nein… sprechen… kaese spaetzle…”

(One, two, three, four, five, thank you, please, yes, no… speak… a type of German noodle dish.)

They all laughed at my incredibly tenuous grasp of their language. Then, they took pictures of my group in exchange, and we all went our merry ways.

I am shopping at a popular members-only warehouse store that is known for giving samples of food items. It’s 2021, so they have recently stopped this service for sanitation reasons.

On this trip, I am very surprised to see a booth up and running. I go over, only to find out that it is for a rejuvenating hand lotion. I decide to try it since the staff member seems happy that someone has walked up, and I am delighted with the fact that the lotion smells like gummy bears, so I decide to listen to the sales pitch.

Partway through, another member comes up and picks up a cup.

Member: “What is this?”

Employee: “It’s hand lotion; it moisturizes your skin. I was just going over it with this young man. The product uses an all-natur—”

The member then licks all of the lotion out of the cup and swallows it!

Me: “Ah!”

Employee: “Weh!”

Member: “Hmmm, yeah, I, uh… I wasn’t supposed to do that, was I?”

Employee: “I’m going to go ahead and call 911.”

Member: “Appreciate it.”