Gives New Meaning To “Spillover” Parking

, , , | Right | August 9, 2019

(I am working for a large music festival doing gate security. I often have to deal with drunk or confused individuals, but this guy was my favorite.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t come in without a ticket.”

Drunk: “I am trying to find my car.”

Me: “Okay, sir, but the parking lot is in the other direction; this is the festival grounds.”

Drunk: “I know that. I parked my car over there—” *waves hand towards fairgrounds* “—I need to get through to get to my car.”

Me: *look over shoulder* “Sir, the other side of the grounds is Lake Michigan. Are you trying to tell me you parked in the lake?”

Drunk: “Yes. Can I come in now?”

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The Poo Crew Adventures

, , , , , | Right | March 22, 2019

(A festival I am working at uses composting toilets. Commodes have been set up, with wheely bins below them to collect the waste. The crew that is running it, colloquially known as the “Poo Crew,” have set up this business and go from site to site, managing the waste. As we are packing down the festival, I get to chatting with one of the owners. He is telling me about a festival he had done outside of Sydney, with thousands of people over several days. People camping out there, or just visiting for the day. As you can imagine, there was a lot of work for the Poo Crew. One woman approached the Poo Crew manager stating she had lost her purse down the privy. Whilst it’s not pleasant, the Poo Crew do get up to their armpit in the waste, but it’s not something that they like to do for free. The owner asked the woman which privy she had used.)

Woman: “Oh, I’m not sure. It was two nights ago. Can you just try a couple of them?”

Owner: “Well, we’re composting down this site over the next couple of months. If your purse turns up we’ll call you.”

(I would have been tempted to ask her to go through the bins herself!)

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Beerly Survived That One

, , , , | Working | January 15, 2019

(I’m at a festival, buying items from a merchant.)

Me: “Do you take cards?”

Merchant: *takes my card* “I take them, but I don’t give them back. Have a nice day.” *turns and steps into his tent, then returns a moment later with a sigh* “You’re going to want this back, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t had any food yet.”

Merchant: *starts processing payment* “Food? Who needs food? Food’s overrated!”

Me: “I haven’t had any beer yet, either.”

Merchant: “Fair enough. I’ll have mercy on you. Food, you can live without, but beer is a necessity.”

(I took my purchase and my card, and went to get some food and beer.)

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A Baby Might Consider The Uterus A Cell, Of Sorts

, , , , , , | Learning | November 4, 2018

(I am volunteering at a science festival, doing science activities with children. We have an activity where it is relevant to mention that a baby is made from an egg and a sperm. The activity is specifically designed so that we never have to mention how these two get together in the first place, but we do name the two cells. I am supervising a girl of around nine, and a few other kids.)

Me: “The baby is made from two special cells from the mum and the dad. Does anyone know what the special cell from the mum is called?”

Nine-Year-Old: *raises hand excitedly, then calls out at the top of her voice* “Vagina!”

(I carefully avoid making eye contact with any of the other adults at the stand, knowing that I will not be able to contain myself if I do.)

Me: *very calmly* “You’re very close. That’s actually where the baby comes out of the mum.”

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Religious Freedom Is Great If You’re The One Persecuting

, , , , , | Right | October 31, 2018

(I am working at a Fall Festival & Pumpkin Patch the week before Halloween. Since it is almost Halloween, people were wearing costumes.)

Attendee: *walks up to ticket booth and help center* “Excuse me, young lady. There’s a woman near the hayride that is wearing an extremely inappropriate costume.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll go check that out right away.”

(I walk over to the hayride with the man and don’t see anything “inappropriate.”)

Me: “Sir, all I see are people in costumes enjoying the Festival.”

Attendee: “No, look! By the hayride entrance!”

(I look over to the entrance and still don’t see anything.)

Me: “Sir, I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

Attendee: “Look! That girl over there!”

(I look over and see a teenage girl in a Demon/Devil costume talking to another girl.)

Me: “The one in the Devil costume? What’s wrong with her?”

Attendee: “She’s clearly a satanic worshipper!” *points to a preteen girl and a young boy* “My children are being raised in a Christian family, and they can’t be exposed to people like that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s just a costume. She paid to come here, so I can’t ask her to leave just because one person is offended by her costume.”

Attendee: “Whatever. You’re probably a satanic worshipper, too! What happened to religious freedom?!” *storms off while grumbling*

(A few minutes later, I see him at the petting zoo and walk up to him.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, but religious freedom does not include making false assumptions about others’ religions. Also, I’m an atheist.”

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