(I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)
Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eat with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”
Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”
Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”
Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”
Customer: “No!”
(I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she has brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.)
Mom: $57…$64…”
Child #1: “Uh-oh, Mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!”
Child #2: “Yeah, Daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!”
Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since Daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So, you can tell Daddy that he can kiss Mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!”
Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell Daddy that! You’re so funny, Mommy!”
(After serving them their fast food, a woman with a family of six runs up to the counter, furious.)
Customer: “You! You stacked our food wrong! Now my kids are crying!”
Me: “Pardon?”
Customer: “Come look!”
(She brings me down to their table, where their three pre-teens are crying their eyes out and her husband looks incredibly frustrated.)
Customer: “Look!”
Me: “Ma’am, I don’t see anything wrong with your food–”
Customer: “[Child #1] is supposed to eat first, but his food is on the bottom! We won’t be able to get it without moving the other things!”
Me: “I don’t think I understand.”
Customer: “He’s the first person on the left! He has to eat first, or Satan will claim his soul!”
Me: “Uh…”
(I decide to ask counter-clockwise around the table what everyone ordered, and hand them their food out off the pile.)
Customer:, “Oh, thank you! You will serve as a warrior of God someday!”
Me: “…right.”
(That family still shows up once a month or so, and suffice to say, I always run out to see what order they’re sitting in before I serve their food.)
(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office. A mom calls me five minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We are getting ready to close for the weekend.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”
Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00 pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”
Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”
Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call — you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”
Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”
Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”
Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails… I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”
Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”
Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”
Me: “…”
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(I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)
Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”
Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats, and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple of wolves, too, and we get a lot of bears.”
Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”
Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”
Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”
Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”
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