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I’m From The Philippines; I Only Work In Outer Space

, , , , , , , | Right | June 18, 2022

Our call center allows us to work from home due to health reasons as long as we have a stable Internet connection, which, thankfully, I do.

Caller: “Where am I calling? This had better be an American!”

Me: “You’re calling Cebu in the Philippines, sir.”

Caller: “I want to speak to an American, d*** it!”

I try to explain more but this caller just isn’t having it. Thankfully, due to watching too many shows and YouTube, I can do a pretty good accent from someone in the US. I put them on hold, switch accents, and come back to them.

Me: “Hello, sir, you’re speaking to [My Nickname]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Thank God, you’re an American. Where are you?”

Drawing a blank, I just think about a line from a “Star Trek” movie I have seen recently where Captain Kirk says, “I’m from Iowa; I only work in outer space.”

Me: “Iowa, sir.”

Just then, a rooster cries the typical “cock-a-doodle-do!” in the backyard of my very rural, very Filipino home that is certainly not in Iowa.

Caller: “Good! Sounds like Iowa, too! Now, my problem is—”

This Scam Literally Has Their Name All Over It

, , , , | Right | June 17, 2022

A customer is requesting a refund on a printer.

Me: “I’m just going to check the item.”

Customer: “So you don’t trust me?”

Me: “It’s just procedure, ma’am.”

I open the box and find that it’s full of trash and underwear.

Customer: “That’s how it came when I opened it.”

Some of the trash is mail with the customer’s name on it. I point it out.

Customer: “Ugh. You work retail! You’re not supposed to be smart!”

Call… The… Police!

, , , , , , | Right | June 16, 2022

A customer comes up to me at the meat counter.

Customer: “Hey, man. Can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure!”

Customer: “You see that movie, Human Centipede?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Customer: “It’s about this guy who takes people and puts them—”

Me:I know what it’s about! What was your question?”

Customer: “Well, I wanted to do that to chickens. How would I do that?”

Me: “These chickens are dead, right?”

Customer: “Do they have to be?”

The Vote Being Rewrote Is Remote

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2022

I am a volunteer, campaigning for a political party near a busy market.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Do you know who you’re voting for?”

Woman: “Of course! [Political Party]! Why, who are you voting for?!”

Me: “Well, I am campaigning for [Other Political Party]. May I ask why you’re making that vote?”

Woman: “I don’t like the other guy. He wants to help too many people.”

Me: “Helping people is bad?”

Woman: “I don’t vote to help people! They never did anything for me!”

Me: “Don’t you think that sounds a bit selfish?”

Woman: “You, too? Why does everyone keep asking me that?!”

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

, , , , , , , | Right | June 14, 2022

Content Warning: Gross Content

 

A truly awful woman and her two mischievous children have just ordered some meals. She has been verbally abusive, entitled, impossible to please, and generally just everything that’s wrong with society wrapped in a clichéd soccer mom skin.

Her kids have been playing around outside after barely touching their meals, while she is on the phone. They come back in and up to the counter, giggling while disgorging the contents of their hands onto my counter: about half a dozen writhing caterpillars.

They are obviously expecting to get some kind of reaction out of me, but I am not going to give them the pleasure.

Me: “Oh, lovely! More meat for our burgers!”

The boys looked disappointed for a moment, but then they got another evil glint in their eyes. They ran back over to their mom, who was still enthralled with her phone call, and started playing with the food. Specifically, her food.

The mom eventually enjoyed her burger while the boys just watched with glee.

As did I.