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The Survey Results Are In: You’re Lazy

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2022

Our store is offering a $20 gift card to anyone who completes a survey. It’s five questions plus contact details. A customer approaches.

Customer: “I’d like the $20 gift card.”

Me: “Certainly! Here’s the survey you need to complete.”

The customer stares blankly at the form.

Customer: “What do I do with this?”

Me: “You have to answer the questions and provide your contact details.”

The customer stares blankly at the form again for what I think is a worryingly long time to process such a simple piece of information. The customer then takes the pen I am holding out, completes their name, and then hands it back.

Me: “We’ll need the rest of your contact information… aaaaand for you to answer the questions.”

The customer stares blankly at the form yet AGAIN, for an even longer time.

Customer: “F*** this. I’ll just spend the money.” *Walks away*

Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 7

, , , | Right | June 7, 2022

I am at the grocery store with my roommate in college. They pick up a piece of hot food from the deli, do their weekly shopping for thirty minutes, and then check out.

Roommate: *Complaining* “My food has gotten cold.”

Me: “You pulled it out of the heater a half-hour ago.”

Roommate: “But I just paid for it like three minutes ago.”

Related:
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 6
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 5
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 4
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 3
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 2

Some Customers Literally Want The Moon

, , , , | Right | June 6, 2022

I work the help desk for a large observatory. We are experiencing an eclipse in our area later this afternoon, so we’re holding a special event for it. I take a phone call.

Caller: “Yes, I would like to complain. You’re holding the eclipse event this afternoon.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help?”

Caller: “Well, it’s too early! All the children will still be in school! It’s very inconsiderate of you to make an event that children can’t attend.”

Me: “Ma’am, the event has been timed to coincide with the eclipse.”

Caller: “Yes, but can’t you make it later?”

Me: “Ma’am, are you asking me to reschedule the moon?”

The other line was silent for a moment. I would like to think the caller realized her stupidity because seconds later, she hung up.

It’s Not All Yogi Out Here

, , , , , , , | Right | June 5, 2022

I’m a national park ranger and a family approaches me near the entrance to a large woodland.

Father: “When do you let the bears out?”

Me: “Pardon me? Let them out? They’re wild animals; we don’t let them out of anything.”

Father: “Then when do they do the tricks?”

Me: “Tricks? Sir, I think you have this place confused with a zoo or a circus.”

Father: “Well, what is this place, then?”

Me: “A national park! It’s all natural as possible, as mother nature intended.”

Father: “What if we used honey as incentive? Would the bear do a trick for me then?”

Me: “Sure! It would be such an amazing trick that it would be all you’d be thinking of until your dying breath.”

I did not let that family go anywhere near the bears without a real explanation of how stupid they were being.

Saoirse Ain’t Got Nothing On This

, , , , , , | Right | June 4, 2022

I have a very Irish name that’s tough to spell, so I normally accept that “Mave” or “Maeve” will be written on my coffee orders, and honestly, that’s fine.

I order a coffee in the UK using my thick Irish accent.

Barista: “And the name?”

Me: “M is fine.”

Another customer behind me speaks up, definitely not Irish.

Customer: “You shouldn’t do that! It’s their job to get your name right; it’s not your job to make it easier for them.”

Me: “First of all… wow. Second, if you can spell my name right the first time, I’ll buy you your coffee.”

Customer: *All smiles* “Easy! What’s your name?”

I say the proper pronunciation of my name, and the customer looks all smug.

Customer: “M-A-E-V-E.”

Me: *Producing a student ID card* “Wrong. It’s M-E-A-D-H-B-H.”

The customer is staring at “Meadhbh” in disbelief. He then looks up at me and then at the barista smiling, and then he just slowly saunters out of the coffee shop.

Barista: “Wow.”

Me: “It’s okay. All those consonants. He didn’t have a chance!”