I’m early for my room check-in, so like a good little human, I’m sitting in the lobby and chilling in the air conditioning until normal check-in time. 

I see a guy walk up to the check-in counter and announce his arrival like some kind of diplomat at a ball.

Guest: “Mr. [Guest’s Name], Extra Super Duper Elite member, for the Poopy Doopy Suite.”

I might be taking slight creative license with the proper nouns there, but you get the gist.

Concierge: “Welcome, Mr. [Guest’s Name]! Thank you so much for choosing to stay with us!  As you’re a little earlier than your check-in time, we can’t get you checked in yet. The lounge access to—”

Guest: “Excuuuuse me?! I said I’m Super Shiny Elite member! Early check-in is automatic with my bookings!”

Concierge: “Yes, sir, but that is only if the room you’re checking into had the previous guests check out on time. If you were booking any other suite, then we could get you checked in right now, but since you specifically asked for the Poopy Doopy Suite, I’m afraid that will need to wait until 3 PM.”

Guest: “This is outrageous! I’m a Super Duper Shiny Elite Extra-Snooty member!”

Concierge: “Sir, I see that you requested a late check-out for 2 PM on your stay in the Poopy Doopy Suite for when you leave?”

Guest: “Yes, as is my right as a Super Duper Shiny Elite Extra-Snooty member!”

Concierge: “Well, so did the guests who stayed in the room before you. They’re also on the same membership level as you are. The housekeeping ladies are working their socks off to turn the whole suite around in under an hour, so please feel free to visit our members’ lounge and come back here for check-in at 3 PM.”

Guest: “But I’m a Super Duper Shiny Elite Extra-Snooty Douchey member!”

Concierge: “You sure are, champ!”

Guest: “…”

Concierge: “I’ll see you at 3 PM, sir. I’ll see the next person in line, now!”

I was so happy that the hotel provided a show to entertain me while I waited!

I work in a fancy coffee place in the middle of a rich suburban neighborhood with multi-million-dollar homes and celebrity customers. 

Most of the rich clientele are fine, but I’ve noticed that when some of them are bad, they’re the worst. 

A new barista is working the register, and they came across as quiet and timid during training, so I’m keeping an eye on them in case I need to step in.

Customer: “I’ll get the mango cooler, no ice.”

Since this is a pre-mixed drink, the new barista can pour it right there for the customer. I see her perfectly measure it out and give her half a cup of drink. Without the ice, the drink only goes halfway up the cup, so this is correct.

Customer: “Uh? Helloooo? I wanted it filled all the way up.”

Barista: “Without ice, that is filled all the way up. Unless… you wanted two drinks for the price of one? I’m new here; I don’t know of such a sale.”

Customer: *Turning beet red, but not backing down.* “It’s not a sale, it’s common courtesy! Your drinks are already a rip-off, so—”

Barista: “I’m sorry, who made you come here? I’d hate to think you’re being forced to come here when the prices are out of your reach! Would you like me to call someone? Are you in trouble?”

Customer: “F*** you b****!” *Turns heel and storms out.*

Barista: *Calling out to the customer.* “Ma’am, don’t you want your lukewarm “iced” drink?!”

Yeah, I think the new girl is gonna be juuuuust fine.

Caller: “I’m calling because I bought that mobile Internet thingy from you a couple of days ago.”

Me: “Oh, hi, sir? Are you the one doing the cross-country drive in the RV?”

Caller: “Yeah! You remember! I got the internet thingy because I still wanted to get my local channels from [Hometown].”

Me: “Yes, I remember I helped you download their app.”

Caller: “Yeah, but it ain’t working! I think you screwed up the Internet settings!”

Me: “Oh no! What’s the issue you’re having?”

Caller: “I wanted to watch [Game Show], and it usually starts at five, but it’s not on yet!”

I check the time, and it’s 5:15 PM.

Me: “Have you started your journey?”

Caller: “Yeah, a couple of days ago! I’m in [Other State].”

Me: “Oh! It’s 4:15 PM there right now, sir.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “[State] is in another time zone. If [Game Show] is on at five at home, it will be on at six where you are.”

Caller: “But that messes with my timing. I want it on at five! Fix it!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that can’t be done. It’s a matter of time zones.”

Caller: “Well, I waive that time zone thing! Change it in the settings or something.”

Me: “I can’t, sir.”

Caller: “Then let me talk to your supervisor. I’m sure he can do something about it! All these modern technologies with all these extra features I didn’t ask for!”

I’m stocking some medicines (basic stuff, cold and flu meds, allergy pills, etc.) when an older couple looking up and down the aisle spots me.

Male Customer: “Excuse me, what’s the best one here for summer allergies?”

Female Customer: “Don’t ask her, dear. She probably uses a tribal doctor or shaman for that kind of thing.”

Me: “Uhm… excuse me? I use antihistamines like most people.”

Female Customer: “Oh!”

She looks me up and down, seemingly reevaluating my Black self.

Female Customer: “I guess you can’t always judge a book by its cover.”

Me: “That’s a lot of words to say you’re a racist a**hole.”

Her partner had to hold her back from trying to start a fight with me after that and strongly encouraged her to leave with him and get their medicine “someplace else”. My standing there, staring and smiling silently at her enraged her further.

It’s a coworker’s first day working on the store floor after training. A couple is asking him about the coffee machines we’re selling. My coworker is doing really well so far, as the guy is asking lots of questions.

Coworker: “Maybe if you tell me what you’re hoping to get out of the machine, I can recommend an appropriate option.”

Customer: “I just want a machine that makes a quick and convenient morning espresso. This one looks cool!”

The customer points at a machine that’s one of the most expensive we sell.

Coworker: “That’s a great machine, and it’ll certainly handle your morning espresso, but it also has a lot of semi-professional functions, so it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

Customer: *Pops off fake leg.* “I’ll start paying in installments now!”

The poor new guy was so stunned I had to jump in and take over. The customer’s wife is rolling her eyes.

Customer’s Wife: “Sorry. He’s been waiting for years for someone to say that phrase.”

They eventually leave with a mid-range coffee machine, and my coworker has an amazing ‘first day at work’ story to tell for the rest of his life.