I have served a table with two young guys who both ordered a rather large amount of food. I go back to check on them after seating a larger table to see that they have dined and dashed. I forlornly go to inform my manager.

Manager: “But… they booked using their membership account. We have, like… all their details! We even have the credit card details they used that we charge a no-show fee with!”

Me: “So, what are you going to do?”

Manager: “I’m about to see how far I can push our ‘automatic gratuity’ percentage!”

Their bill came to over $120, and the system allowed my manager to charge their card a 100% gratuity charge, effectively bringing their bill to $240!

A few days later, my manager tells me he got this phone call.

Caller: “Why do I have a f****** $240 charge from you guys on my Amex?!”

After looking up the details.

Manager: “Ah, yes, that would be the young gentleman with the Chicago Cubs jersey who dined with us at the weekend. He and his friend skipped out on the bill, but they left their credit card details with us via an online booking.”

There followed a few moments of silence while the caller processed this.

Caller: “…That was my son.”

Manager: “As I surmised.”

Caller: “And you’re telling me he ran out without paying?”

Manager: “Yes, as confirmed by both my waitstaff and our camera footage.”

Caller: “Even though they made a reservation online using my credit card.”

Manager: “That appears to be the case, yes, sir.”

Caller: “Those stupid motherf***ers!” *Click*

Literally the next day, I see one of those young diners enter the restaurant with his stern-looking father.

Said father makes his son apologize and makes him give us another $100 cash as a tip.

Father: “That’s his allowance. It’s not my money this time. And because of this, he’ll be working for me… for free… until he goes to college!”

Manager: “Thank you, sir. We appreciate it.”

Father: “Hopefully, college will teach him not to be so f****** stupid!” 

They both left, and we all burst out laughing.

Our store has a membership card that allows access to quite significant discounts. Customers can fill out the application form online, but older customers tend to fill it out physically in-store. There is an optional diversity section for market research that asks questions about sex, gender, ethnicity, orientation, religion, etc. A reminder, that section is entirely optional; you can leave it all blank if you like.

An older male customer approaches me with his completed form.

Customer: “I filled out your form, but that diversity section needs some work.”

Me: “Oh, how so?”

Customer: “Well, I’m white! I ain’t got no ethnicity!”

Me: “I… see?”

Customer: “And why y’all gotta confuse us by asking for our pronouns and s***?”

Me: “Well, when we send out emails or letters, we’d prefer to know how to address our customers.”

Customer: “But I’m straight! I don’t have any pronouns!” 

Oh, boy…

I am checking out a customer who is here with her daughter and her mother, so three generations of women. The daughter — four years old — is having a great time talking to herself. The grandmother seems to be upset by this.

Grandma: “It’s totally inappropriate for her to have an imaginary friend, and I’m embarrassed by it!”

Mom: *To Grandma* “You get on your knees every night and talk to your sky friend and ask him to forgive you for gambling even though you play the lottery every week. She’s a four-year-old girl. What’s your excuse?”

This is during the time when our store requires customers to wear a mask before they can enter. One such customer is taking issue with this and has demanded our manager, who is repeating the policy.

Manager: “Sir, for everyone’s health we require you to wear a mask when inside the store, and I am not debating or apologizing for that.”

Customer: “You’re just sheep! More sheep following the lies that the government is feeding you! One day, we’ll expose the truth, and you’ll see all the lies you’ve been eating up!”

Manager: “Like I said, sir, I am not debating this issue, so if you’re not going to wear one of the masks we can provide for you, then—”

Customer: “One day, the firmament will fall, and all you sheep will see that the Earth is not a sphere and that you’ve been lied to from day one!”

My manager is silent for a moment. I think this is partly due to the “out there” turn this conversation just took, but also because he doesn’t like to be interrupted so is letting this crazy customer just wear himself out.

Customer: “Well?!”

Manager: “Well… stupidity isn’t a crime, so feel free to go.” *Turns around and leaves*

The anti-mask flat-earther just stood there with no one to direct his ranting energy to for a moment, and then he just deflated and left.

An older lady customer approaches me as I stock items in our cutlery section.

Customer: “Oh, excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find [produce item]?”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t work in the produce department, but I can walk you over to one of my coworkers who—”

Customer: “I was just over there, but all the workers there couldn’t help me.”

Me: “That’s strange. I happen to know four people working in the produce department today. Let’s go see if we can find—”

Customer: *Insistent* “No, it needs to be you! I want you to help me!”

Me: “But I don’t know where [item] is, ma’am. Why does it have to be me?”

Customer: “Because you’re an American! Those other people were… not!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you saying that because I am white, and my coworkers in produce are Black and Asian?”

Customer: “Don’t make me sound like I’m racist!”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, you’re doing that all on your own.”

Customer: “Look, I’m not trying to make a fuss! Just show me there [item] is without attacking my opinion!”

Me: “I’d try to share my opinion, too, ma’am, but I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to express myself in this case.”

Customer: “That’s so offensive! Get me your manager!”

Me: “Yes, I’ll go get my manager because I’m the offensive one.” 

The look on her face when she met my manager, Mr. Myeong, was priceless…