A woman walks up to the counter with an old picture showing a group of people.

Customer: “I need you to take everyone except me out of this picture.”

Me: “You mean digitally remove them? Ma’am, I don’t think that’s possible with a picture like this. We’d have to remove nearly all of the photo.”

Customer: “But… Photoshop?”

Me: “I’m sure someone with a lot of time and talent could give it a go, but we’re a humble photo lab. We can do basic manipulation but nothing like what you’re asking.”

Customer: “But… this is a photo… shop?”

Me: “Well, yes. But we can’t do—”

Customer: “Adobe?”

Me: “Well, that’s the company that—”

Customer: “Microsoft?”

Me: “… Ma’am. Are you just saying computer words hoping it will work?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Excel Photoshop?”

Me: “…okay, I don’t think we can help you, ma’am.”

I work at a little shop located inside a hospital. We sell cold sandwiches.

Customer: “I’d like this sandwich heated, please.”

Me: “I’m afraid we only sell cold sandwiches.”

Customer: “But… I’m a doctor.”

Me: “Okay? We don’t have any means to heat sandwiches in this shop.”

Customer: *Slightly different tone* “But… I’m a doctor…”

Me: “Be that as it may, we don’t have a microwave or an oven.”

Customer: *Yet another slightly different tone* “But I’m… a doctor.”

Me: “So… just the sandwich, then?”

The customer blankly scans his card on the reader and walks out of the store, looking dazed and confused.

Customer: “But… I’m… a doctor?”

Customer: “I’d like a refund on this cheese.”

Me: “What was the problem with it, ma’am?”

Customer: “The expiry date came by too quickly!”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Customer: “I wanted to keep it longer, but the expiry date happened! It was too quick! You need to reprint the expiry date to next week, preferably after Wednesday, or give me a new one!”

I am stunned silent for a moment.

Customer: “Well? What are you waiting for?”

Me: “Just trying to figure out how to explain to you how time works.”

We send out mechanics for various jobs for people who have a contract with us. I get an irate woman on the line.

Caller: “First, when he came, he only said, ‘Hello,’ and not, ‘Good morning.’ That was very rude of him. And he barely wiped his shoes on the mat! And he just stood around for fifteen minutes and then left! He just left! Didn’t do a thing!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Let me check with our mechanic what happened.”

I check the lady’s file first. Most of the time, mechanics leave a note if something went wrong. My jaw drops.

Note: “Lady demanded I wear plastic covers over my shoes to not ruin her flooring. Can’t do that, because of OSHA (ARBO in the Netherlands). Finally convinced her to let me in, and she demanded I wipe my shoes on the mat for several minutes. When I asked her where the [defect] was, she brought me to her son’s room. Son, late teens, was still in bed. I told the lady I couldn’t work if her son was still in bed. She told me that if I could get him out, it would be a first. I asked the son twice to leave the room. He wouldn’t come out of bed. Couldn’t do my job and left.”

I return to the woman.

Me: “Thank you for holding. The mechanic told me he couldn’t get to work… because your son was still in bed?”

Caller: “What? You know how teenagers are! You were one, as well!”

Me: “Still, our mechanic can’t work safely if your son is sleeping at the spot he needs to work at.”

Caller: “Why not? Whenever I enter my son’s room to vacuum, I can do so with him in bed, so why can’t he?”

I hold my tongue, but I want to say so much.

Me: “Because OSHA forbids him, ma’am.”

Caller: “Well, those OSHA gramps probably never had teenage sons!”

A customer comes in with their laptop, complaining that the Internet is slow. We open it up to try to troubleshoot.

Me: “Well, sir, I think I see your problem.”

Customer: “What is it?”

Me: “You currently have 302 tabs open on your Internet browser.”

Customer: “And?”

Me: “Well, that’s… a lot. I’m surprised your browser hasn’t crashed, to be perfectly honest. I would recommend using the ‘favorites’ feature and closing most of these down.”

Customer: “No! Then they’ll change the site! I always leave a website and when I come back they change it. I like them just as they are.”

Me: “Well, websites change, sir. They update them to remain current.”

Customer: “Idiots! I don’t use the Internet to stay current!”

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 2
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet