The night has wound down to the end of our business day half an hour after we lock the doors. The other employees and I are doing our last-minute tasks. I’m vacuuming the carpet in front of the door, and I hear the door rattle loudly and look up in surprise. There is a woman outside, gesturing at me.

I turn off the vacuum cleaner so we can talk. She sounds like she can’t believe she has to say this out loud.

Customer: “Um, hello! Hi there! Your door is locked.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I know. We closed at 10:00 pm.”

She gets a surprised look on her face. I give her my best apologetic look and point to our hours, which are posted on the door. She looks down as if the sign magically appeared. I can actually watch her face transition from confused to a growing rage.

Customer: “I can’t believe it! This is horrible customer service!” 

She actually flips the bird at me. My niceness is gone now that she has crossed the line.

Me: “Customer service stops at closing, lady.”

She made an inarticulate screeching noise and stormed off. My coworker and the closing manager thought my last line was hysterical, so I didn’t get in trouble.

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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I am checking an old lady with a scowl on her face.

Customer: “You’d better be ringing these up correctly! If you’re as dumb as you look, I might have to check at the end!”

I realize she is one of those sad, lonely customers whose only reason for living is to try to get a rise out of others and upset them. I deny her this by smiling politely.

Customer: “Be careful with those jars of olives! They’re the fancy brand. I doubt you’d ever be able to afford them, so be careful!”

I nod and smile harder.

Customer: “Don’t smile so much! It makes your unfortunate face look even more so!”

I give her the biggest smile I can muster, maybe joined by a mild giggle.

Customer: “What is wrong with you?!”

Me: “I just find it hilarious how much you seem to think I care about what you’re saying.”

And then, I can’t believe she actually says this.

Customer: “Well, I never! How dare you not be offended?!”

She left her shopping on the counter and trotted out. I explained my behaviour to the head cashier, who then disseminated it to the rest of the team. Now, whenever she comes back, she will only be greeted by smiles and giggles directly proportional to the amount of abuse she dishes out.

I hope she gets me again!

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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I’m sitting in a waiting area at the grocery store with my brother and I have a large cast on my foot. I get approached by a customer who keeps glaring at me, walking off, and coming back. Eventually, he speaks up.

Customer: “If only someone could be bothered to help me.”

I don’t know if he is talking to me. Frankly, I am in a bit of pain and don’t care if he is. I don’t have the patience today.

Customer: “If only a worker would actually do his job.”

He is staring at me now.

Me: “Are you talking to me?”

Customer: “Yeah, who else would I be talking to?”

Brother: “He makes a good point.”

Me: “Shut up. Don’t wind him up anymore.”

Customer: “Are you going to show me where the rice is or not?”

Brother: “Sure, hop to it, won’t you?”

Me: “Maybe he can just drag me down the aisle and I can point in the right direction.”

Brother: “Nah, better to stick you in his trolley; you could even make the beeping reversing noise as we went.”

Me: “Maybe he could… Oh, wait. He left.

The man apparently finds a manager and drags him over. The manager takes one look at us and turns to the man.

Manager: “They clearly don’t work here, do they? Even if they did, that one has a broken leg. How would he even be able to help you?”

Me: “Oh, we had some suggestions.”

He did not want to hear our suggestions. The man thankfully disappeared after glaring at us some more. We got our things and the leg healed really well.

Related:
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 34
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 33
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 32
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 31

I order a breakfast sandwich through the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant on my way to work at 6:30 in the morning.

Cashier: “Your total is $5.04.”

I gave the cashier a $20 bill and four pennies: $20.04 in total. She took the bill, looked at the four cents, dumped them in the tip jar, rang in the $20, and proceeded to give me back my change of $14.96.

I’m not sure what was worse: her not just giving me $15 in change or her thinking I gave her a four-cent tip.

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup! This is the last story in this roundup, but if you’d like to read more of our favorite stories, you can always check out May’s roundup next!

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It is a quiet day in the motor claims department of a major British insurance company. A telephone call comes through from a customer.

Customer #1: *Clearly agitated* “Hello, I’ve run into a lamp-post on [Road] in Glasgow, and the lamp-post has fallen over.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. And were any other vehicles involved?”

Customer #1: “No, just mine.”

Me: “Thank you, we’ll just take a few details.”

I proceed to take the normal details for the customer, and the call ends normally. Seconds later, the phone rings again. It’s another customer, of course.

Customer #2: “Hello, I’m on [Road] in Glasgow and some d*** fool has run into a lamp-post and knocked it over on my car and three other cars!”

And this is why you don’t lie to your insurance company.

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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