Customer: “Can I split the payment evenly over these two cards?”

Me: “Normally, I could, but these two cards have different names.”

Customer: “Oh, this one is my daughter’s.”

Me: “Is she here?”

Customer: “Of course not. That’s why I have her card.”

Me: “I can’t accept payment on her card without her being present.”

Customer: “Well, why not?!”

Me: “That would be fraud, ma’am.”

Customer: “And that’s… bad?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it could mean jail time.”

Customer: “Well, put it all on my daughter’s card, then. Some jail time would do her good.”

I am working security at an airport, and I see a passenger place their baby in a baby chair and then place the baby chair onto the conveyor feeding into the X-ray machine.

Me: “Sir, you can’t put your child there!”

Passenger: “It’s just for a second while I get these shoes off.”

Me: “Even so, sir, please remove the child immediately!”

Passenger: *Removes the child* “Gosh, it was just for a second. Do I look like an idiot to you?”

Me: “You look like someone who is about to X-ray their baby.”

We have just had a big storm and the store is flooded about a foot deep. We are figuring out protocols with managers when a customer drives into the flooded parking lot, steps out of her car in thick boots, trundles up to the front door of the flooded store, realizes the doors aren’t opening, and then spots us.

Customer: “Why aren’t you open?”

We look around, as if the flood might register in her brain, but alas…

Manager: “We’re closed because of the flood. There’s water a foot deep throughout the store.”

Customer: “Well, that’s fine. All my items are top-shelf!”

Related:
A Storm Of Entitlement

Customer: “I want to return this laptop, but first, you have to teach me how to delete the Internet history.” 

Me: “This feels like a trap.”

I am checking out a woman at my grocery store.

Me: “And would you like to donate to [Charity] that helps conserve and protect local bee populations?”

Customer: “And why would I ever want to do that?! Gross, disgusting things! They should all be killed.”

Me: “Well, without bees, we wouldn’t have flowers and—”

Customer: “What?! Flowers come out of the ground, dear, not from bees. Honestly, what are they teaching you in school?”

Me: “We must have had very different educations, ma’am.”

Customer: “That’s right! And don’t you forget it!”