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Some Jokes Never Die

, , , , | Romantic | July 30, 2017

(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)

Customer: “No, mine divorced me years ago.”

Running Off With A Younger Set Of Wheels

, , , , | Romantic | June 19, 2017

(When my husband and I first got together he was in a lot of financial trouble. I helped sort out his finances and it was decided he needed to get rid of his car and buy a new one. He couldn’t get a loan at the time so I did and put the car in my name, which was also done to prevent any repossession from debt collectors, etc. We refer to this new car as his car and the car I already had as my car. We’re now married, his car is still in my name, and we have recently sold my car. Of course, Murphy’s Law, the week after selling my car the battery on his car goes kaput. He has to bike ride to the local auto store to get a new battery. Note: I regularly remind him (jokingly) that his car is in my name and is my car.)

Husband: “You should be doing the bike riding. I have to work tonight.”

Me: “It’s not my car!”

Husband: “Oh really? REALLY? It’s not your car is it? Can I have that recorded?”

Me: “Wait… No! It’s MY CAR! The registration is in MY name!”

Husband: “Registration does not prove ownership.”

Me: “The registration in my name means if you run off with a younger woman I can have you arrested for stealing my car.”

Husband: “Oh, thanks! I run off with a younger woman and all you’re concerned about is the car?”

Me: “You run off with a younger woman and you’re on your own, buddy, but I want the car!”

Husband: “Well, you better hope there is no younger women at the auto store.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?”

Husband: *putting on a mock sleazy voice* “Hey, baby, I might not have a car right now but I’ve got a sexy bicycle!”

Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

, , , , , | Right | August 25, 2009

Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

Me: “In two days, sir.”

Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the Internet sooner than that.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dial-up account until your DSL is installed.”

Caller: “But dial-up is too slow… cancel my order!”

Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three-week wait.”

Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

(The next day, the same customer calls back.)

Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

Caller: *silence* “So… can I still get the dial-up until my DSL is installed?”

Me: “Absolutely!”


This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

Read the next Customers Caught Lying roundup story!

Read the Customers Caught Lying roundup!

As The Checkout Line Churns

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [Name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking; we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh… I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [Brother]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [Mom]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [Estranged Father]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you. I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they are watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God… Please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [My Stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me: *to Boss* “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

A Little Bit Too Specific

, , , | Right | August 7, 2008

Customer: “Hi, you know your stock pretty well, right?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “My wife is divorcing me, but her birthday is next week. I need a card for that.”

Me: “…I don’t think they really make a card for that occasion.”