CONTENT WARNING: Domestic Abuse

I have been separated from my physically abusive husband for over a year and a half, and he has finally agreed to do a non-contested divorce after his court-mandated therapist convinced him that contesting it would likely mean alimony, between the abusive circumstances and the fact that he makes more than I do. The court date for it falls two weeks after I have moved out of state.

Upon moving, I find that my two new roommates have not mowed the lawn this year, and we are about to get fined for it. I spend twelve hours fighting with the overgrown lawn and manage to get poison ivy from head to toe. I have a bad rash everywhere, and I got some in my lungs, too, so I sound scratchy and terrible.

The court date comes, and while the rashes from the poison ivy have subsided, they have left significant bruising behind. I seem to have two black eyes and various shapes and sizes of purple bruises all over every inch of exposed skin.

There are about nine other people in the courtroom, all here for the same thing. The third person called to the stand goes up alone.

Judge: “And you are here today about a non-contested divorce? What reason do you have for divorcing your wife?”

Man: “She just had a kid six months ago. I’m white and so is she. The kid isn’t.”

Judge: “Is she present in this courtroom?”

Man: “No, she couldn’t make it today.”

Judge: “Unfortunately, she has to be present for this particular ruling.”

I am now very nervous. During my four-hour drive to this courthouse, my ex texted me that he won’t be here, as he drank too much and is too hungover to leave the house. He lives five minutes away from the courthouse. 

Finally, it is my turn. I am last. All other non-employees have left the courtroom. 

Judge: “So, I see you are here for a non-contested divorce. What reason do you have for leaving your husband?”

Me: “He chased me down and beat me after I asked him if he wanted some wine after a hard day of work. A couple of weeks later, I was supposed to go play disc golf with a mutual friend, and he didn’t want me to use his discs. When I said our friend had some she’d let me borrow, he upended a wooden table with pottery and glassware on it. This happened five minutes down the road from here, so you should have a record of both police reports.”

Judge: “Hmm. And why isn’t he here today?”

Me: “Well, he sent me a text…”

Judge: “You may turn on your phone and show me the text if you like.”

I do so, and the judge reads the text message. 

Judge: “He’s at the address we have on file for him, correct? [Address]?

Me: “Yes, your honor, to the best of my knowledge.”

Judge: “Hmm. Well, I see no reason to deny this divorce petition. It is not completed for thirty days, so please wait to get married to someone else for at least a month. You’ll get a copy of the final divorce decree in the mail.”

Relieved, I walk to my car and have a snack to treat my low blood sugar while I wait to come down from the adrenaline rush. A lady approaches my car; it’s the court clerk. 

Court Clerk: “Hey, you’re [Grandfather]’s grandkid, aren’t you? [Mom]’s oldest?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Court Clerk: “I’m [Grandfather’s Best Friend]’s daughter! I just saw your grandpa last week! I wasn’t gonna tell the judge who you are, because his sister is [Aunt’s Husband]’s ex-wife, and she badmouths [Aunt’s Husband]’s whole new family because he got custody of the boys, so I was worried. He tried to hold up their marriage license, which is way outside of what he’s supposed to be allowed to do. Anyway, when we saw how badly your ex had beaten you, he knew this was the right thing to do, no matter who you are. I don’t think he knew ahead of time, though. When I told him who I thought you were, he just said, ‘Fine,’ so I think you’ll be okay. Here’s my number if you need anything, though!”

I hadn’t even remembered my horrifically bruised condition! I didn’t mean to cast further aspersions at my ex, but I am very glad that my inability to recognize poison ivy when exhausted ended up helping me! 

Three years later, I am enjoying being newly married to a kind man and living in a place where my extended family has no connection to the local justice system! It can help, but it can potentially be quite a problem!

My ex-friend decided to bemoan his fate to me, and I learned that TV drama has nothing on reality. [Ex-Friend] has a mommy complex so deep that I’m pretty sure therapists could make a case study out of him. It was Mom this and Mom that just about every day, so when I found him sulking, I figured his mom was hurt or something. 

The true story turned out to be much worse.

You see, my friend happened to be married to him. Unfortunately. [Friend] got into a car accident involving the other driver being blackout drunk. Her car was totaled, and she spent a little under twelve hours in the hospital for observation and stitches.

[Ex-Friend] got the call telling him about it and which hospital she was being transported to.

Except he didn’t show up. 

Why didn’t he drop everything and rush to the hospital? [Ex-Friend] said his mom had an “emergency.”

[Friend] got out of the hospital the next morning. It “wasn’t a convenient time” for [Ex-Friend] to abandon his mother, so he asked her — through text — to call someone else to help her out. She had to get a ride from her father-in-law. She got in touch with a lawyer for divorce as soon as she got home. 

[Ex-Friend] got home late that day to find his wife gone, some of her clothes gone, and a pile of divorce papers on the table waiting for him. She was going to be staying at her own parents’ house for a little while.

[Ex-Friend] flipped out, only to be ripped to shreds by both fathers. He was informed in many ways how he had failed as a man, as a husband, and as a decent person.

What was the “emergency” his mom was experiencing, you may wonder? The most reasonable thing would be a medical emergency, as well. It would at least be understandable that your brain freaks out about two loved ones having medical emergencies at the same time. 

But no.

His mother’s “emergency” was that she couldn’t find the TV remote, and she desperately needed her son’s help to find it. Except it wasn’t lost! It was where she kept it: on a table near the TV. But she needed his company! And she was such an amazing, kind, and loving woman that he just had to console his mother for the scare! Overnight.

The divorce went smoothly, but [Ex-Friend] refuses to get therapy.

I worked as a part-time aide at my children’s elementary school. It had been a tough year. I was divorced in August and my ex married a family “friend” in September, which confused my children greatly.

My mom passed away in November, causing my youngest not to want to go to school. She figured that since Daddy and Grandma were gone, I would be next. I would walk her to school while holding her tightly and place her in the arms of her principal while walking away. He would take her to the school nurse to calm down and then she would go to class.

A few days before Thanksgiving, the principal called me into his office.

Principal: “Your family may not be the most financially strapped family in our school, but you are certainly the most emotionally vulnerable.”

He then handed me the ingredients for a complete Thanksgiving dinner. No words can describe how his kindness uplifted my spirit.

Things got progressively better, but I never forgot how much his gesture meant to us.

I was married to my son’s mother for eleven and a half years. My son called me on his twelfth birthday.

Son: “Dad, I did it! I lived with Mom longer than you did!”

My first name is a fairly common one that is frequently mixed up by customers for a much more common one. Let’s say my name is Joan and the other name is Jane. This has never caused a problem for me or offended me. It didn’t this time, either, but this is the story of the oddest time it happened.

In the late 1990s, I was working for a locally-owned store that sold home decorating things — wallpaper, lamps, etc. In between helping in-store customers one busy Saturday afternoon, I took a phone call from a man.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is Joan. How may I help you?”

Customer: *In a friendly, upbeat voice* “Hi, Jane. This is [Customer]. I need [list of disparate items]. Can I have those put on hold?”

Me: “Sure. May I make take your information and call you back?”

He agreed. I searched for and found all the needed products. Then, I called him back.

Me: “Hello, this is Joan calling from [Store]. I’ve found all the items you requested, and they are on hold at the service desk through tomorrow.”

Customer: *Again in a friendly, upbeat voice* “Great. Thanks, Jane. I’ll pick them up in an hour.”

An hour later, I was at the service desk when a smiling middle-aged man walked up to the counter.

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: *In the same friendly, upbeat voice* “Hi, I’m [Customer]. Jane put some things on hold for me.”

Me: “Oh, yes, that was me. Let me find your hold. Just so you know, my name is Joan, not Jane.”

Customer: *Suddenly and loudly* “OH, THANK GOD!”

I stared at him in surprise and shock for a moment. At the same time, his facial expressions rapidly went from relief to embarrassment, but he regained his composure quickly and explained.

Customer: *In a quiet, serious voice* “My ex-wife’s name is Jane. Our divorce was recently finalized. My teenage children and I are redecorating the family home now that she’s moved out. I’m glad to be talking to a Joan and not a Jane.

I quickly tried to redirect the conversation back to home décor.

Me: “Ah… I’m sorry to hear about that. Let me get your hold.”

After that, our interaction was normal, but he was much more subdued than he had been. I got his hold, answered his questions about the products, and helped him find a few more items he needed. He was nothing but polite to me the whole time.

People still mess up my name frequently, but this is the only time it has triggered somebody.