A couple walks in, with the husband looking angry from the get-go.

Customer: “[Burger]!”

Me: “That’s one [Burger]; would you like that as a combo or—”

Customer: “If I wanted a combo I would have said a combo! Stop wasting time!”

Me: “Apologies, sir. One [Burger]. Is that everything?”

Customer: “Of course that’s everything! If I wanted more things I would have said so! You’re wasting time!”

Me: “Of course, sir. One [Burger]. That will be [total].”

The customer pays and the burger comes out. The customer opens it and immediately starts pulling out the lettuce.

Customer: “I said no lettuce! You f***ers keep wasting my time! I work hard for my money! This is the same as stealing time from my life!”

While ranting, he throws the lettuce onto the floor. The customer’s wife speaks up. I notice that she has been holding her phone up.

Customer’s Wife: “First, dear, you didn’t ask them for no lettuce. I know you didn’t because I know that you usually do, so it was noticeable that you didn’t this time. Also, these people here work much harder for their money than you do. In fact, the person making the orders isn’t the person cleaning the floor, and I can guarantee that person works hardest of all thanks to your tantrums.”

Customer: “Stop embarrassing me, woman!”

Customer’s Wife: “I think you’re doing a good job of that yourself. Also thank you for performing so loudly on camera without any prompting from me whatsoever. I think this will be exactly what the judge needs to see to continue denying custody.”

Customer: “You b****! You set me up!”

Customer’s Wife: “How? By forgetting to remind you to ask for no lettuce?”

The guy storms out swearing up a storm. The (ex?) wife picks up the lettuce from the floor and apologizes to us for the scene. She then buys some kid’s meals to take home to her children because “they were what this agreed meet was all about in the first place.”

I was married to my ex-husband for nine years. He had a brother who I only met once or twice. He was always in and out of jail and was considered the black sheep of the family. I know very little about him. My ex and I divorced; he became abusive in the end, and his mom egged it along. 

About four years after the divorce, this happened. I was expecting a call, and the phone rang, so I answered it. 

Debt Collector: “Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Debt Collector: “My name is [Debt Collector], and I am trying to reach [Ex’s Brother].”

Me: “Sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Debt Collector: “Wait, I was told to contact you to get his number.”

Me: “I’m not sure why you were told that. That’s my ex-husband’s brother and I only saw the guy once or twice. You may want to call his mom.”

Debt Collector: “I did call her, and she gave me your number and said you can help me. I need to get his number.”

Me: “I don’t have his number, and I find it a little hard to believe she would give you my number as she and I haven’t spoken in years.”

Debt Collector: “This is a serious personal matter. [Ex’s Brother] is in serious trouble; he owes a lot of money. We need his number.”

Me: “I don’t have it. I have never had a number for him, and I don’t know where he lives or anything. I am the wrong person to try to get this information from.”

Debt Collector: “You can still help him. We just need his number. You must have it.”

Me: “As I said before, I don’t have his number or any information about him. Call his mom or my ex-husband. They can help you.”

Debt Collector: “I already called his mom. She said to call you.”

Me: “I am ending this call as you don’t understand that I don’t have his number. Never have, never will. I can’t help you. Goodbye now.”

Debt Collector: “Well, don’t you want to help him?”

Me: *Laughing* “Nope.” *Click*

Since the divorce, I haven’t spoken to my ex but only a few times, same with his mother. 

I did reach out to my ex about the call, and he said that no one had tried to call his mom, and his mom doesn’t have my phone number anymore and hasn’t had it in years. 

He also said the last time he heard anything about his brother, he was serving time in prison for some crime. 

These debt collectors are crazy.

Our legal office deals with domestic disputes, most commonly divorces. A client who has already finished their divorce proceedings with us comes back into the office in person a few weeks later.

Caller: “I’d like to claim full custody of my son from my wife. She’s joined a cult!”

Me: “A… cult?”

Caller: “Yes! She’s signed them both up, and my son is in danger!”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me a bit more about this cult?”

Caller: “They all listen to this loud guy who says they all need to do what he says or they’ll all die!”

Me: “What’s the name of the… the cult?“

Caller: “They meet every Sunday at [address].”

Me: “Sir… that’s a Catholic church.”

Caller: “Still a cult to me!”

I have to admit, it became surprisingly difficult for me to legally define the difference between a government-recognized religion and a cult, but I was able to calm him down and let him know that we couldn’t use this to sue for full custody.

It was an interesting afternoon, though!

I work in a massage clinic. I have one client I refer to as “annoying but harmless”. He’s an older man, showing signs of dementia, fairly deaf, and friendly in his own way.

The first time I met him, [Client] spent almost forty-five minutes (my entire break!) talking at me about various things, wandering from subject to subject. This was just a visit to fill out the paperwork! I finally got away when my next client came in.

After that, we learned that: 1) he doesn’t carry a phone, 2) he doesn’t believe in texting, and 3) he has a lousy memory.

This has led [Client] to show up an entire hour and a half before his appointment and expect us to either take him then or let him sit in our waiting room, where he will quietly talk to himself. (I can still hear him through the walls.)

[Client] has very strong opinions about any number of things and will say he “doesn’t judge” and “everyone is different”, but he has made it clear that anyone who doesn’t live his lifestyle of hard work and exercise is just lazy.

The other day, as [Client] was talking to me during the massage (I’ve tried responding, but he’s too deaf to hold a conversation with) he came up with this gem:

Client: “My wife tells me she wants to get a divorce. I don’t know why. She’s hard to get along with, and there’s nothing wrong with me!”

I’m just glad he couldn’t hear my eye-roll.

Coworker: “Did you cash out table seven?”

Me: “The couple? Not yet. I was about to check on… Oh… they’re gone.”

Coworker: “I just saw them leaving really quickly.”

Me: “Ugh. Another dine-and-dash. That was a $150 table, too.”

I head over to the table to confirm that they haven’t left me anything… but it looks like they accidentally have!

Me: “One of them left their phone.”

Coworker: “Justice!”

At first, I am just gonna blow it off and leave the cell phone with the host, but then I realize the phone isn’t locked.

I find a contact that says “Wife” and give it a call, thinking that’s the woman he was eating with.

Oops… it totally was not.

His wife comes down, pays the bill, and gives me a $100 tip. I do try to refuse the tip because I feel bad that I had to break the news that not only was her husband cheating (they were all kissy-kissy at the table) but that her husband was also a jerk for walking out.

The wife is back again a month later for a ladies’ brunch.

Wife: “Ladies, this is the lovely lady who helped me finally start the divorce proceedings! Tip her very well!”

That divorce got me over $500 in the end!

This story is part of our Highest-Voted-Stories-Of-2024-(so far!) roundup!

Read the next story!

Read the roundup!