Should Think Before You Ink

, , , | Romantic | August 18, 2017

(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)

Customer: “[My Name]… Is that really your name or just a name tag?”

Me: “It’s my real name.”

Customer: “Want to see something funny, [My Name]?”

Me: “Sure!”

(The customer proceeds to lift up his shirt to reveal a tattoo just above quite a sensitive region that says “Property of [My Name]”!)

Me: “Oh, wow!”

Customer: “Yeah, that was a mistake.”

Me: “Ex-girlfriend?”

Customer: “Got it in one.”

Me: “That’s why I’ve vowed never to get a partner’s name tattooed.”

Customer: “I have ten girl’s names on me. Oh, wait, nine. I got one covered up.”

Me: “Well, we all make mistakes.”

Customer: “Yeah… Some of us nine or ten times more than others.”

(I love that he had such a great sense of humour about it!)

When An Ex Cancels Out Another Ex

, , | Romantic | July 27, 2017

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we are friends. I get invited to her birthday at their bungalow in the woods. This conversation happens while passing each other in a doorway, with no other people in earshot:)

Me: “Your house is lovely! It must be a breeze to live out here.”

Her: “It is! Oh, why don’t you come live here? We could be [Ex-boyfriend]’s wives together!’

Me: *awkward blank stare*

It’s Time To (Road)Kill This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | July 23, 2017

(My ex is not known to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He once hit an elk because he thought it was a good idea to drive 75 mph to get away from the herd faster. This one evening, I finally figure out how he manages to hit so many animals:)

Me: *seeing a deer standing in the road ahead and realizing ex is not slowing down* “[Ex], there’s a deer in the road.”

Ex: “I’m going the speed limit!”

Me: “But the deer isn’t!”

Ex: “Well, what do you expect me to do? Stop?”

Me: “Yes, stopping would be preferable to hitting a deer!”

Ex: *stopping the car and pouting* “It’s illegal to stop in the road.”

Me: *mental facepalm* “I think it’s allowed when avoiding a collision with a large animal.”

(How I stuck with him for five years, I’ll never know.)

Grovelling Stations!

, , , | Related | July 17, 2017

(I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after he was caught cheating on me. I haven’t spoken to him since that day, but I have been expecting it as he needs to pick up his stuff from my house.)

Mum: *calling on the phone* “[Boyfriend] should be coming over soon to pick up his stuff. Can you ring me back after he’s gone and tell me how he behaved?”

(I find it an odd request, but she hangs up before I get the chance to ask. Shortly after I get a knock at the door. It is my boyfriend, on his knees, begging to pick up his stuff. Shocked, I let him in and he practically sprints up and down the stairs with everything and is gone in only a couple of minutes. I call my mum back.)

Mum: “Good, he did what I ordered him to.”

Me: *angry* “What? You made him do that? Why? I know he cheated, but that isn’t reason enough to make him grovel.”

Mum: “One day you’ll understand that when someone wishes death on your only son, you tear them a new one!”

(When we met later, she showed me a string of text messages that my boyfriend had mistakenly sent to her. She had ignored most of them until the last one which said he wished I caught HIV, which for her, a former nurse who used to work with HIV/AIDS patients, hit a little close to home. She hasn’t given me the details of phone call, but it really must have been something.)

A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

, , | Romantic | July 15, 2017

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”

Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?

Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant vagina.”

Me: “Umm…”

Woman: “Don’t worry, I’m not insane. But I am asking you to make me a vagina dress.”

Me: “And what is this for exactly?”

Woman: “My ex-husband’s wedding. Lord knows why he invited me. But I’m going to have as much fun with that cheating being-of-s*** as I can!”

(We did attempt the dress, but she wasn’t happy with how the period blood looked and decided to look elsewhere.)

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