It’s Time To (Road)Kill This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | July 23, 2017

(My ex is not known to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He once hit an elk because he thought it was a good idea to drive 75 mph to get away from the herd faster. This one evening, I finally figure out how he manages to hit so many animals:)

Me: *seeing a deer standing in the road ahead and realizing ex is not slowing down* “[Ex], there’s a deer in the road.”

Ex: “I’m going the speed limit!”

Me: “But the deer isn’t!”

Ex: “Well, what do you expect me to do? Stop?”

Me: “Yes, stopping would be preferable to hitting a deer!”

Ex: *stopping the car and pouting* “It’s illegal to stop in the road.”

Me: *mental facepalm* “I think it’s allowed when avoiding a collision with a large animal.”

(How I stuck with him for five years, I’ll never know.)

Grovelling Stations!

, , , | Related | July 17, 2017

(I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after he was caught cheating on me. I haven’t spoken to him since that day, but I have been expecting it as he needs to pick up his stuff from my house.)

Mum: *calling on the phone* “[Boyfriend] should be coming over soon to pick up his stuff. Can you ring me back after he’s gone and tell me how he behaved?”

(I find it an odd request, but she hangs up before I get the chance to ask. Shortly after I get a knock at the door. It is my boyfriend, on his knees, begging to pick up his stuff. Shocked, I let him in and he practically sprints up and down the stairs with everything and is gone in only a couple of minutes. I call my mum back.)

Mum: “Good, he did what I ordered him to.”

Me: *angry* “What? You made him do that? Why? I know he cheated, but that isn’t reason enough to make him grovel.”

Mum: “One day you’ll understand that when someone wishes death on your only son, you tear them a new one!”

(When we met later, she showed me a string of text messages that my boyfriend had mistakenly sent to her. She had ignored most of them until the last one which said he wished I caught HIV, which for her, a former nurse who used to work with HIV/AIDS patients, hit a little close to home. She hasn’t given me the details of phone call, but it really must have been something.)

A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

, , | Romantic | July 15, 2017

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”

Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?

Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant vagina.”

Me: “Umm…”

Woman: “Don’t worry, I’m not insane. But I am asking you to make me a vagina dress.”

Me: “And what is this for exactly?”

Woman: “My ex-husband’s wedding. Lord knows why he invited me. But I’m going to have as much fun with that cheating being-of-s*** as I can!”

(We did attempt the dress, but she wasn’t happy with how the period blood looked and decided to look elsewhere.)

Shut Down Your Brain

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2017

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

Weekly Roundup: Vexing Exes

, | Not Always Romantic | Romantic | June 24, 2012

Vexing Exes: This week, we share five stories of exes that really vex us! PS–submit your own Ex story!

  1. Hell Hath No Fury Like An Ex Scorned:
    A couple finds love in hell–for their exes, at least!
  2. Best Course To Jest Of Divorce:
    This ex-husband gets put in his place by the mother of his children.
  3. Vexed By The Ex’s Pecks:
    Why you should never jump to conclusions about your boyfriend’s ex!
  4. Looking For The Constellation Cans Major:
    Bad: your boyfriend: Worse: Your ex. Worst: Your boyfriend ganging up with your ex.
  5. Telling Your Ex-Husband Straight:
    News Flash: your ex-wife kissed a girl and she liked it!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!