My boyfriend has an ex who I am happy to call beautiful in every way. She’s super gorgeous in that magazine kind of way, but also an awesome person and down to earth, and more than happy to be friends with me, the current girlfriend of her ex (their split was amicable and there continue to be no hard feelings).

I’m chatting with a regular customer while working at my grocery store, when my boyfriend’s ex comes in and says hi. We chat for a few seconds, and then she’s on her way.

Regular: “Wow! Who was that?!”

Me: “My boyfriend’s ex.”

Regular: “Your boyfriend was with her… before he was with you?!”

He’s saying this in a way that leaves no room for doubt that he’s comparing us. I am… not the classic beauty type.

Me: “…yup!”

Regular: “No offense, but if he could have a woman like her, what is he doing with someone who looks like you?”

Me: “Oh. Can’t you figure it out?”

Regular: “No.”

Me: “I’m f****** PHENOMENAL in bed.”

And with that, while I am happy to remain friends with my boyfriend’s ex, I was no longer friendly with my (now ex) regular!

I’m primarily indigenous (Apache). When I first hooked up with my (now ex) wife, we went to the Midwest to introduce me to her family. I had the following exchange with her ignorant, racist great aunt:

Great Aunt: “Where are you from?”

Me: “California.”

Great Aunt: “No, where are you from?”

Me: “Santa Monica.”

Great Aunt: “What I mean is, where are your parents from?”

Me: “Colorado. Want to try for the grandparents?”

Clearly, my great-aunt-in-law wanted me to say Guatemala or something. My ex was upset with me and thought I was unnecessarily smart-a**ed with her ignorant, racist great aunt.

CORRECTION: The mention of ‘great-aunt’ at the end of the story has been changed to ‘great-aunt-in-law’.

I work at a hotel. My shift started not long ago and during shift change, I heard my coworker getting a call. Though I could only hear her side, I could tell someone was either inquiring about a guest being here or trying to be connected to a room without knowing the room number.

About a half an hour later, once I had taken over, the phone rang again.

Caller: “Hi, can I be connected to James’s room?”

Me: “Can I get James’s last name and room number?”

Caller: “James is the last name; his first name is John.”

Me: “Okay, can I get his room number?”

Caller: “I don’t have his room number.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to connect you to a guest without that.”

Caller: “Please, his mother is very sick, and I can’t get ahold of him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that would be against our privacy policy.”

Caller: “Please! His mother is very sick. I can describe him and his car! Just tell me what I need.”

Me: “I need first and last name and the person’s room number.”

Caller: “But I don’t have the room number.”

Me: “In that case, I won’t be able to help you, sorry.”

Caller: “Can you just call him and tell him to come to the desk?”

Me: “Without the room number, ma’am, I’m not going to look to see if that person is even staying here.”

After that, she gave up. A few minutes later, a man came to the desk.

Guest: “Did anyone call for me?”

Me: “What’s your name?”

Guest: “John James.”

Me: “Yes.”

Guest: “Did you tell her I was here?”

Me: “I did not.”

Guest: “Okay, good. That’s my ex-girlfriend, and she can’t stand that I’m with someone else now.”

Sick mom, indeed, lady.

This is a text exchange with my ex-boyfriend. I had recently left the apartment to get some small chores done while he hung out and gamed with his friends.

Boyfriend: “Seriously, [My Name], WTF?!”

Me: “Context? You’re going to have to narrow it down.”

Boyfriend: “Why did you leave one of your tampons on the counter in the bathroom? I have friends over, and they could have come in to see this.”

Me: “I didn’t.”

Boyfriend: “I’m looking right at it right now!”

Me: “[Boyfriend], I don’t use tampons. I use sanitary pads.”

Boyfriend: “I didn’t ask what you used. I asked why you left a tampon on the counter!”

Me: “Again, I didn’t.”

Boyfriend: “EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE LYING TO ME WHEN I’M LOOKING RIGHT AT IT!”

He then sent me a photo. I took the time to sigh deep enough to nearly throw out my back and double-facepalm.

Me: “That’s called a toilet paper holder, [Boyfriend]. You hang toilet paper rolls on the round, plastic, spinny thing. One of your idiot friends used up the last of the toilet paper and didn’t replace it when they left the bathroom.”

There was a long silence.

Boyfriend: “Well, you still need to not leave your s*** on the counter.”

So, no apology for freaking out, no admitting he was wrong, just doubling down on blaming me for his ignorance. Is it any wonder why he’s now my EX-boyfriend?

My last name is the same as a quasi-famous racing family (by marriage, and no, we’re not related, much as my ex would insist we are). I was on the phone with my health insurance company, and the representative was trying to capture my last name correctly.

Rep: “Okay, so that’s ‘D, O, …'”

Normally, I would spell it out phonetically (“B” as in “Boy”, “O” as in “Oscar”), but for some reason, I was feeling silly.

Me: “No, not ‘D, O’, it’s ‘B, O’, as in, ‘stinky’.”

Rep had to take a minute to compose herself when she finished laughing and apologized for doing so. I told her in her line of work, she deserved a laugh.

Come to think of it, my ex wasn’t big on hygiene…