Another Word For Throwing Out Is Ex-iled

, , , | Romantic | January 28, 2019

My ex-husband was picking the kids up for his fortnightly weekend with them when he told me that he and his fiancée had broken up — right before Christmas. The problem with this was that her mum was already due to stay with them Christmas Eve so he had to share a bed with his now-ex, while her mum had the sofa.

He said he didn’t know how well he was going to sleep and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without thinking I ‘joked’ that he’d managed to share a bed with me, knowing he was going to try and throw me out and survived. His face was a picture and a little part of me smiled inside.

An Affair To Dismember

, , , , | Romantic | January 4, 2019

(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”

Cancel The Cancellation

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2018

(It’s the week before Christmas and also the day before payday for most workers who are paid monthly. I’m handling lost and stolen card calls, but I am also trained in fraud prevention. We cancel lost or stolen cards for anyone who rings, as long as we can find the account, but the account holder is the only one who can request a new card. We also don’t share any account details with non-account holders.)

Me: “Hello, lost and stolen cards. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Caller: “Hi. My wife lost her credit and debit cards, and I need to get them cancelled and reissued, please.”

Me: “Can you confirm your name, your wife’s name, her address, and her date of birth so I can find the account?”

Caller: “My name is [Caller] and…” *supplies details I asked for*

Me: “So, I cancel the cards straight away, but your wife will need to call directly to get new cards issued.”

Caller: “But both cards will be cancelled and won’t work anymore?”

Me: “Yes, correct.”

Caller: “And when she calls, how long will it take for the new cards to arrive?”

Me: “Usually it’s only a few days, but as we are so close to Christmas, it will more than likely be the new year. The sooner she calls, the better, though.”

Caller: “Okay. She has a chequebook on her account, too. That was also lost; can you cancel that, too?”

Me: “Certainly, but I would need the cheque numbers to be cancelled.”

Caller: “I don’t have those, but you have to cancel the chequebook immediately.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the system won’t allow me to cancel anything without the cheque numbers. When your wife calls to order her new cards we can get the cheque details from her then.”

Caller: “Well, she won’t be able to ring, because, uh… someone broke into her flat and beat her up, and now she’s in a coma.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, and I hope she recovers quickly. Would she have bank statements at home? That will show the last cheque cashed, and we can cancel all subsequent cheques from there.”

Caller: “Well, she might do, but, uh… I don’t actually live with her. We’re divorced, but I’m her next-of-kin. I just need you to cancel everything.”

Me: *alarm bells going off* “I’ll have to check with my team leader in the morning. Can I take a contact number and call you back?”

Caller: “Sure, it’s [number]. And her cards are already cancelled, yes?”

Me: “Yes. Thank you.”

(I hang up and check the history on the account, but it only goes back six months. I decide to take a risk and call the number we have on file for the account holder before I actually cancel anything on the account.)

Me: “Hello. Can I speak to [Customer]?”

Customer: “Speaking.”

Me: “[Customer], my name is [My Name] and I’m calling from [Bank]. Do you have a minute to speak?

Customer: “Yes. Is everything okay?”

Me: “Well, I just spoke to your ex-husband, [Caller], who called to cancel your credit and debit cards, as well as your chequebook. He said you were assaulted in your home and were in a coma, but since I’m speaking to you now ,I’m guessing that’s not true?”

Customer: “That f***er! We’ve been divorced for years, but every Christmas he rings the bank right before payday and gets everything cancelled so I can’t do any Christmas shopping. I’ve even changed banks, but he knows that you can find my information with my address and date of birth. I can’t believe he’s done it again. How am I going to do my Christmas shopping?”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that, Ms. [Customer]. I was suspicious of the call, so I’m happy to inform you that I didn’t cancel anything until I spoke to you, so all your cards are active. I’m also going to put a flag on your account advising that we must speak to you before anything is cancelled on the account. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “Oh, my God, yes. Thank you so much!”

Me: “You’re most welcome. I also took his details and will be flagging this to my superiors. You’re welcome to pursue it from your side with the authorities if they can help.”

(My team leader made a change to the customer’s account so any time someone accessed her account, an alert would direct them to the fraud prevention team. They also implemented a rule that someone has to call the number on file before any changes are made to her account. The customer also sent me a huge gift basket for stopping her ex-husband!)

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An Ex-planation

, , , , , | Romantic | August 22, 2018

(My wife is pregnant, and at about ten pm on a very rainy day she decides she really wants some ice cream, but we’re out at the moment. So, I brave the rain and head to the base mini-mart to bring her some. After getting the ice cream, I go to the cashier to pay.)

Cashier #1: “Late night craving?”

Me: “Pregnant wife had a craving.”

Cashier #1: “That’s so sweet. My ex would never have done that for me.”

Cashier #2: “Maybe that’s why he’s your ex.”

At Least Try To Have Fun With It

, , , , | Romantic | August 2, 2018

(I have just had an easy break-up with my boyfriend. We remain friends afterwards and have no hard feelings. While attending a party together, I see an old friend, and the three of us strike up a conversation.)

Old Friend: “So, how are you two doing?”

Me: “Oh, we broke up.”

Old Friend: “Really? What happened?”

Me: *grinning impishly* “We turned each other gay.”

(My ex and friend just stare at me for a few seconds before laughing.)

Ex:That’s what you’ve been saying? I’ve just been saying we broke up! I am definitely using that now!”

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