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Luckily, There Are Other Fishies In The Sea

, , , , , , | Related | October 5, 2022

My ex is a bit of a leech, and since he can’t drive, he often asks for my help driving him places. On the evening in question, his mother has been staying over with me to help with my daughter. She gets along far better with me than she does with him, and she’s sick of his crap. We are going to shop at a different store than he is, so we drop him off.

As we are leaving the store, my phone starts ringing off the hook with my impatient ex on the other end. (I call my former mother-in-law “Momma” as she has become my surrogate mom since my real mom died.)

Momma: “Looks like we have to go catch [Ex].”

Me: “Can I throw him back?”

Momma: “You already did.”

Me: “That’s true… Wait, no.”

I gesture to the daughter I share with my ex.

Me: “He’s on the hook for the next ten years.”

Momma: “Unfortunately.”

Uh… Is She Okay?

, , , , , | Romantic | September 3, 2022

My brother broke up with his girlfriend when she wanted to get married after three months of dating but he did not. A few weeks after, she sent me a message via social media.

Ex-Girlfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. Do you have a minute?”

Me: “What’s up?”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I want to be honest with you.”

Me: “Okay…”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I have decided to break up with your brother. It’s a difficult decision, but we are not in the same place in our lives, and I need someone who is more mature.”

Me: “[Brother] broke up with you weeks ago. Are you okay?”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I care about him a lot and I know you’re very close. Because of this, I do not think you and I should be in contact anymore, either.”

Me: “Okay, then. Best of luck to you.”

She unfriended me, as well as my whole family. I asked my brother if they had reunited or something, but he said he hadn’t talked to her since he dumped her. I still have no idea what she thought she was doing by telling me she was dumping him.

“T-REX!” Is The Four-Year-Old Version Of “FORE!”

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 1, 2022

I have a four-year-old son who I co-parent with my ex. I pick him up from his mother’s house and decide mini golf would be a fun activity for us and my girlfriend to do.

Ex: “Are you sure mini golf is a good activity? I’m concerned [Son] might hurt himself, you, or [Girlfriend] swinging that putter around.”

Me: “It will be okay. I’ll be sure to tell him not to swing hard, and I’ll carry the putter to each hole.”

We get to the course and [Son] is excited to see the obstacles. He listens to me perfectly until we get to the fourth hole, which is dinosaur themed.

Son: “T-REX!”

I put his ball down, hand him his putter, and step to the side. He then screams a little battle cry and swings back as far as he can, and before I can stop him, he hits the ball, which ricochets off the T-Rex and hits me in the side of my head near my eye.

[Girlfriend] and I decide it’s best to take [Son] back to his mom while I recover from a possible concussion. [Girlfriend] drives us while letting out little giggles. We both walk [Son] to the door. [Ex] sees the large bruise on my face.

Ex: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I’ll be fine. I’ll see what my doctor has to say and go from there.”

Ex: “You know, it has been a long time since I’ve said this to you…”

I think she’s going to say something reassuring.

Ex: “I told you so.”

[Girlfriend] collapsed to the ground with laughter, and I grimaced, knowing [Ex] was right.

Extraordinarily Amicable With The Ex

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | August 12, 2022

My ex-husband and I met and became fast friends in 2004. We grew very close over time and became best friends but with no romantic intentions. We saw each other through tough relationships, family tragedies, and everything else under the sun. Somewhere around 2011, we thought it would be a grand idea for us to get married, which we did in 2012. Our marriage carried on much as it always had — as best friends.

After about a year, we realized we didn’t have the proper romantic feelings for each other to sustain a marriage, and we didn’t want to get in each other’s way of actually finding true love, so we had an amicable divorce around 2014. I chose to keep my married name (his last name) because I didn’t feel like doing all the paperwork to update passports and other documents, etc.

I ended up moving around the country many times after that, while he stayed in the same place, but we still talked every day and remained best friends.

In early 2020, he planned a trip to visit me and we spent a couple of days together. He wanted to buy a video game while in town, so we went to a local store. We spent some time looking around and being how we’ve always been together — dumb jokes, laughing nonstop, quippy banter, finishing each other’s sentences, etc. We obviously get along very well and probably seem attached at the hip to any bystander.

When we got to the checkout, I told my ex-husband he could use my points account for a discount.

Cashier: “What’s your phone number, ma’am?”

Me: “[Phone Number].”

Cashier: “And is that under [Last Name]?”

Me: “Yep!”

Ex-Husband: *Snorts* “I forgot that was your last name.”

Me: *Giggling* “Oh, my God! I keep forgetting we have the same last name!”

The cashier perked up and started clapping her hands, squealing with joy.

Cashier: “Ohhhh! Did you guys just get married?! Congratulations!”

We really didn’t want to burst her bubble, but I couldn’t help but tell the truth. 

Me: *Laughing* “Actually, we got divorced about six years ago.”

Cashier: “Oh. Uh, sorry. Here’s your receipt. Have a good day.”

We did feel bad for embarrassing her, but we laughed about it once we got back in my car. It’s now 2022, and we’re still best friends and talk every day, and we’re both still unmarried. We agreed that if things continue to look dismal for marriages for both of us, we definitely won’t get married again, but we’ll grow old together in matching rocking chairs.

The Law Still Applies To You, Bro

, , , , , , , | Legal | August 9, 2022

I was a police officer. About fifteen years ago, a girl came in with a complaint that her boyfriend had been sending her a stream of harassing messages after she broke up with him. They weren’t threatening in nature; they oscillated between a few different angles.

Message: “Baby, I love you! Give me another chance!”

Message: “You’re nothing but a cheap w***e and left me to be with someone else!”

Message: “I just swallowed a hundred sleeping pills. I hope you’re proud of yourself!”

Message: “Let’s be adults and talk this out.”

It was serious enough to warrant law enforcement becoming involved when it escalated to the point that this gentleman was actually buying new SIM cards to continue to harass the young lady after she’d blocked him for the umpteenth time.

I went ahead and placed the first warning call.

Me: “…if you continue to contact her in any manner, you will be arrested for harassment. Have I made myself clear?”

Ex-Boyfriend: “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m in a wheelchair!”

Me: “Your disability is completely irrelevant. And—” *extra pleasantly* “—we do have cells and services in the county jail that accommodate inmates who are disabled, as per the Americans With Disabilities Act!”

Ex-Boyfriend: “This is how you treat disabled citizens?”

Me: “It’s how I treat citizens who are breaking the law! Now, again, I am giving you a fair warning. You will be arrested if—”

Ex-Boyfriend: “I’m gonna call my lawyer. You have no right talking to someone in a wheelchair like this. He’s the best lawyer in [City], and he’ll have your badge!”

Me: “You have the right to have a lawyer represent you if you’d like, if you’d rather not speak to me.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “I’m just saying, I’m in a wheelchair, and you will treat me with respect!”

Me: “Do you understand the warning we are giving you?”

Ex-Boyfriend: “No, I don’t understand any of it. Explain it to me in detail.”

Me: “Okay, we’re not going to play games with you, so why don’t you have your lawyer call this office? My name is Officer [My Name], badge number—”

Ex-Boyfriend: *Click*

He then contacted the young lady from another number with, “How dare you call the cops on a man in a wheelchair?! You should be ashamed of yourself!” And so on.

It took a restraining order to send home the message that his wheelchair wasn’t a license to break the law. And as I was told by the serving deputy (whose forceful, powerful voice and intimidating stature had earned him the nickname “Bull”), the guy tried the “You can’t do that! I’m in a wheelchair!” rebuttal on him and was immediately shut down.