(I have psoriasis, a hereditary condition that leaves me with large red patches on my scalp. This occurs while I am waiting in line at a convenience store with a woman standing behind me.)

Customer: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “Those ugly blotches all over your head. What do you have?”

Me: “Oh, it’s a highly contagious flesh-eating disease. Very painful.”

Customer: “Oh, my gosh! Really? How contagious is it?”

Me: “Well, you probably already have it.”

Customer: *rushes out of the store in a panic*

This story is part of the Sarcastic Responses roundup!

Read the next Sarcastic Responses roundup story!

Read the Sarcastic Responses roundup!

(An angry-looking young couple storms into the convenience store.)

Man: “You sell cigarettes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “You smoking b****es!”

Me: “I don’t smoke. I’m not the one that picks out the–”

Woman: “That is f****** illegal!”

Me: “No, actually, it’s not.”

(The woman pulled something out of her purse and wrote a message on it. She slammed it on the counter and she and her husband stormed off. I looked at it later and it was a picture of a Death Star. The message read, “This is coming to get you!”)

This story is part of the Convenience Store roundup!

Read the next Convenience Store roundup story!

Read the Convenience Store roundup!

(I work at a gas station that offers made-to-order sandwiches. A customer uses a computer to place their order and gets an order number that is called once their sandwich is made).

Customer: “I’m here for my ham sandwich.”

Me: “Okay. What is your order number?”

Customer: “Here, it’s 433. I know I’m a few minutes late.”

Me: “Sir, that order was ready three hours ago. We threw it away when it sat for half an hour.”

Customer: “But it’s only 4:40. It has only been seven minutes.”

Me: “That is your order number, not the time you are supposed to pick up your order.”

Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why the time didn’t have the dots between the hour and minutes!”

This story is part of the Telling Time roundup!

Read the next Telling Time roundup story!

Read the Telling Time roundup!

Me: “Okay, that’s £10.00, please.”

Customer: *handing me cash* “Could I have £10 cash-back, as well, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you need to pay on your card to get cash-back.”

Customer: “Oh, do you?”

Me: “Yes. Otherwise, we’d just be giving you money.”

This story is part of the More-Customers-Bad-With-Money roundup!

Read the next More-Customers-Bad-With-Money roundup story!

Read the More-Customers-Bad-With-Money roundup!

Me: “You’re not from around here are you?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m from Canada.”

Me: “Oh cool! Do you speak French?”

Customer: “Yup, I’m bilingual.”

Other Customer In Line: “Down here, if something’s bi, we shoot it.”