(The only cable company available in my area is notorious for its bad customer service. I call them when my contract is expiring:)

Agent: “We don’t have any Internet-only plans.” *a lie*

Me: *young and naive* “Really? That sucks. Are you sure?”

Agent: “Yes. But I can offer you a deal that’s only $10 more a month!”

Me: “Are you sure that’s your only offer?”

Agent: “Yes.”

Me: “All right. I guess I’ll take it.”

(Later, when it’s a month before that contract expires, and I’m a little wiser, I go to the post office.)

Me: “Hello! I am here to mail my cable company’s box back to them.”

Mail Employee: “Oh. It’s that company. I’m going to print your receipt. Don’t lose it. They will claim you never sent the box and charge you.”

Me: “Got it.”

(Later, I call the cable company.)

Me: “Hi! I’m calling to make sure you received my package. I have the tracking number.”

Agent: “About that. We got it, but did you realize that you sent it a week early? We need to charge you a cancellation fee for that.”

Me: “What?!”

Agent: “You must have the box in your house until the contract expires, or it counts as an early cancellation.”

Me: “But then you’ll charge me a late fee for the time it takes to mail!”

Agent: “You could always use our store centers to drop it off.”

Me: “So, your ‘convenient mail-in system’ is a scam?”

Agent: “Of course not, ma’am! You just mailed it too early.”

Me: *switching tactics* “What about your online streaming thingy? I can still watch that, so it’s not a cancellation.”

Agent: “I’m sorry, but you must have the box in your home.”

(I finally give up and pay. I specifically ask to switch to a no-frills, Internet-only deal. The next month, my bill tries to charge me for a frill: an “Internet Boost!” that speeds up the Internet, or some scam like that. I call again.)

Agent: “I’m sorry it ended up on your bill, but it’s been half a month and you’ve already used the boost.”

Me: “How was I supposed to know it was there if you don’t generate my bill until the middle of the month? I called as soon as I was made aware.”

Agent: “I’m sorry, but you have used it.”

Me: “But it won’t appear again, right?”

Agent: “Not at all, ma’am!”

(Yeah, right. I annoyed the billing department every single day the next month by checking my bill and getting promises not to add it. It appeared again, and I said, “I don’t care anymore! I will live without Internet! It isn’t worth this nightmare!” Suddenly, they seemed all accommodating. I got it off my bill. Little did they know that I was moving in three months. That was also interesting. They tried to charge me a late equipment return fee for the cable box, which they took off my bill three more times, and they called me five times to convince me to stay with them. I told them I was moving wherever they weren’t, and that ended each call quickly, thankfully. I am so glad to get away from that company.)

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

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(I’m instant-messaging a coworker friend that I need to bug someone about completing a training. It should be noted that my coworker is intimidating at 6′ 8″. I am a rather reserved, very friendly, 5′ 7″ female. My coworker is also the Dungeon Master in our D&D game.)

Me: “…or you could. Because you’re so much more intimidating than me. You’ve got that towering thing going on. I’m not that tall.”

Coworker: “This is true. You do have all the threatening presence of a timid butterfly stuck in honey.”

Me: “I am seriously dying right now, because that is so true.”

Coworker: “Which is what makes your intimidation checks in game so awesome; it’s totally out of character for you.”

Me: “I know. It’s fun. Thank you. You just made my day.”

(My chorale meets once a week at a church on Wednesday nights, and since we share the building with various other organizations, chorale members have a specific code to get in. The following ensues the first time we try to use our new codes.)

Chorale Lady: *punches code* “Huh?”

Me: “Oh, you can’t—”

Chorale Lady: *ignoring me, punches code again* “They said this was the code… It’s supposed to be [code], right?” *punches it again without waiting for an answer*

Me: “Um, ma’am…”

Chorale Lady: *punches random buttons* “Ugh, this is SOOOOO frustrating!”

Me: *feeling amused and a bit annoyed, points to big 8.5×11″ sign above the keypad* “This might be why. ‘Codes are not working this week; please use intercom.’”

Chorale Lady: *blinks for a minute, then waves dismissively* “Oh, I never read signs if I don’t have to.”

Me: *face-palm*

(I’m at a grocery store. It’s shortly before the store closes and their sale prices end. It’s a location I’ve never shopped in before, but I have been visiting a friend nearby, so I stop in. There are very few customers in the store, which is a bit surprising. I’ve been charged with purchasing the soft drinks for a large party and am buying 12-packs in a variety of flavors. Most of my shopping has been done on previous days and I’ve limited the purchases to 12 twelve-packs during each stop to avoid depleting the shelves. This store has stacks and stacks of the product, which surprises me, as the price is quite low and the other locations I’ve shopped at have limited quantities due to the large volume of sales.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry. I can only sell four 12-packs to you; we have to limit the sales so we don’t run out of product. Which would you like to buy?”

Me: “Really? The store is nearly overrun with the soda and the sale ends in an hour. Do you think you’re going to run out before then?”

Cashier: “That’s our policy and I can’t make any exceptions.”

Me: “May I speak with the manager, please?”

(The manager confirmed that this was the case and I would be only allowed to buy four, also that I wouldn’t be allowed to purchase more if I left the store and re-entered. I left, not purchasing anything, and made a hasty drive to the location near my home where I usually shop to get the rest of the soda. As expected, the supply was depleted, but I managed to find what I needed and check out with no issues. I mentioned my experience to the cashier, and she knew exactly to which store I’d been and related that the particular store has very low sales numbers and always has loads of unsold product at the end of special promotions, and the management there can’t figure out why.)