Thyme Too Improv The Grammer

, , , , , | Learning | March 20, 2018

(I am an English teacher in the days before computers, word processors, spell check, etc. In freshman English, I assign a paper as homework on the first day, to evaluate the level of ability I am dealing with in the new class. After the paper has been graded, a very irate mother storms into my class with a girl in tow.)

Mother: “Are you Mrs. [My Name]?!”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Mother: “What’s the meaning of giving my daughter a D on this paper? She has never had less than an A in junior high school!”

Me: “Forty-six spelling and grammatical errors in a two-page, hand-written paper does not get an A. The only reason I gave a D instead of an F was that the idea presented was good.”

(The mother splutters on about only the idea being important, not the spelling, and then says she is going to take it up with the principal.)

Me: “Be my guest.”

(Needless to say, the issue died a quiet death, and by the end of the year the girl was writing A and B papers legitimately. It makes you wonder about the junior high school teachers who passed her on.)

Smile, And The World Reluctantly Smiles With You

, , , , , , | Right | March 19, 2018

I work at a popular second-hand retail chain. About once a week a lady comes in near closing and asks to try on lots of clothing, and to look into the jewelry case. She is extremely picky and takes as long as possible at the register, and all the while being very rude to the cashiers and to me at the fitting rooms.

I take a piece of cardboard, draw a big smiley face on it, and smack it against my forehead to greet the few customers we have when they walk by. The rude woman in question does her best to ignore me, until she finally starts the checkout process with my manager.

Running up to customer service, I shout, “[Manager]!” and smack the smiley face against my forehead. My manager has to nearly stop the transaction from trying not to laugh.

The rude woman remains silent but cracks a smile.

Every time she’s been in the store since, she has been quicker and not raised her voice once. She also says, “There’s my little friend!” to greet me. Now, she uses pleasant conversation to slow down the transactions. Hey! It’s a good improvement.

A Sauce Of Confusion

, , , , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I go to a sandwich shop for lunch. There’s one girl making sandwiches alone, but luckily it isn’t busy, because this ensues:)

Me: “I’d like the regular chicken carbonara on wheat, please.”

Worker: “For here or to go?”

Me: “For here.”

(She starts making my sandwich.)

Worker: “I accidentally put ranch on it.”

(She then starts to put other toppings on it.)

Me: “Wait! I don’t like ranch!”

Worker: “Oh… I’ll just start a new one, then? Do you even want alfredo sauce?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s what comes on the sandwich.”

Worker: “And it’s to go?”

Me: “For here.”

Worker: “I thought you said to go.”

(My sandwich turned out as described by some miracle! I still can’t believe she was just going to try to sub alfredo for ranch, instead of just making the sandwich I asked for.)

Stupid Jerk Humor

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2018

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

Needs To Stop Doing That

, , , , , | Working | February 9, 2018

(I’m riding my scooter down the street and I come to a construction zone. The road is closed off to one lane and the guy with the stop/slow sign is signalling for my side to stop so the cars going the other direction can go through. I stop, and when I do, the worker holding the sign starts walking toward me. I figure there’s either an issue he’s going to inform me of or he wants to comment on my bike.)

Worker: “Hey, did you need something?”

Me: “Uh… No?”

Worker: “Why’d you stop, then?”

(I wordlessly pointed to the stop sign he was holding in his hand. He looked up at it and just said, “…ooh!” in a tone that made it sound like he only just realized he had it in his hand.)

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