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Remember to Look Both Ways

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2021

Customers regularly drive into areas they are not supposed to be and have to ask how to exit the lot. This time, however, the customer has just pulled out of their space.

Customer: *Annoyed tone* “How do you get to the exit?”

I begin to answer and turn my head about fifteen degrees toward the exit. There are five large signs with arrows that say, “Exit This Way,” in my immediate sightline.

Me: “Uh…”

I recovered and explained how to get out, but the disconnect of realizing that they would have seen the signs if they had turned their heads slightly caused my brain to shut down for a moment.

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Check Bouncers Take (Musical) Note

, , , , , , , | Working | May 25, 2021

Many years ago, I was shopping in a music store. I found two albums I liked and went to the counter to pay. He gave me my total and I finished writing my check. He took it and put it in the cash register.

Me: “Do you need to see my driver’s license?”

Cashier: “No, people who buy classical music don’t bounce checks.”

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What Do You Know? I’m Not, Either!

, , , , , , | Working | April 26, 2021

I have an item to return to a large, nationwide chain store. Every store in this chain shares an identical floor plan and in every location that I’ve been in over the years, the register closest to the door has been the only register open.

Today I walk in, store bag visibly in hand, and although the first register is “active,” there’s no cashier. I reach the next register which is, unsurprisingly, closed. I stop walking as I can’t see the status of the rest of the registers, but I can see that the entire counter is unattended. However, a woman — not wearing the store uniform or a badge — has spotted me from where she’s standing in a nearby aisle and, though she doesn’t verbally acknowledge me, she starts walking toward the registers in a manner that I “read” as a store employee recognizing that a customer needs assistance.

I turn back toward the first, open register, but the woman fails to appear as I reach it. Assuming I misread the body language of someone who is actually another customer, I glance around for an employee. I see the same woman waiting wordlessly behind the farthest register. Oh! Ooookay, then.

I head over, take the item and receipt out of the bag, and place them on the counter. I’m two-and-a-half words into “Hi, there’s nothing wrong with this; it’s just too big,” when the silent woman suddenly interrupts me.

Woman:*Sharply* “So, I take it this is a return?” 

Having spent time in retail, my “maintain a smiling attitude” automatically kicks in and I force a light chuckle.

Me: “Sorry, yes.”

Woman: “I’m not a mind reader.”

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If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems

, , , , , , , | Healthy | April 25, 2021

I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.

This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!

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She Won’t Stop Until The Whole Country Is Unemployed

, , , , , , | Right | April 1, 2021

I’m in line to be checked out at a store in the mall. An angry woman storms in, shouting and dragging a young boy by his arms.

Customer: “Manager! Now! I said, manager! Now!

The associate checking out my line picks up the intercom and requests a manager to the front. A man appears from the back and tells her that he is the manager.

Customer: “I want that b**** fired now!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but can you fill me in on the details so I know the issue here?”

Customer: “That b**** in the food court made my pizza wrong and I want her fired! Now!

Manager: “I’m sorry, but this is [Electronics Store] and we have nothing to do with the food court or any employees in it.”

Customer: “I. Want. Her. Fired. Now!”

Manager: “We are an electronics store and have nothing to do with the food court. You will have to go back to the pizza place and ask for their manager.”

Customer: “They don’t have a manager on duty, and you are the closest manager, so do your job and fire. Her. Now! I will be calling your corporate offices because you are being rude and unhelpful to me.”

Manager: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave as I have no authority outside of this store and you are causing a disturbance.”

Customer: “I will not leave until that b**** is fired!

Manager: *On the radio* “Security needed at [Electronics Store]. Ma’am, I want you to leave or security will escort you out.”

Customer: “Fired! Now! All of you, every last f****** one of you, fired! Now!”

Security came and, after a physical battle, the woman was restrained and police arrived to remove her. I’m not sure what happened to the little boy, but he looked positively terrified as police took him also, separate from his mother.

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