The Drugs Don’t Work And Neither Do You

, | Nashville, TN, USA | Working | October 22, 2014

(A woman sits down across from me at Starbucks, at an interview for a teaching position. Before I can even get a word in, she bursts out with this…)

Woman: “Do y’all drug test? Because I can’t pass one and I don’t plan on being able to anytime soon.”

Me: “I think we’re done here…”

(Shortest. Interview. Ever.)

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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 14

| CA, USA | Right | October 17, 2014

(I’m working at the register when a regular customer (who is a man) approaches me.)

Regular: “[My Name], I have a question for you.”

Me: “Yeah, what is it?”

Regular: “Um… have you read Twilight?”

Me: “No, I haven’t actually read it.”

Regular: “Oh, thank God! I like you.”


Needs To Wake Up And Smell The Cafe Negro

| Columbia | Friendly | October 3, 2014

(I’m at the airport at the end of a vacation. Because of my looks, people very often assume I’m from Latin American descent. This happens as I am fixing my coffee. The man behind me, obviously an American who knows no Spanish, is trying to order a coffee.)

Man: “Coffee, please.”

Barista: “Negro, con leche?”

Man: “Black coffee.”

Barista: “Negro? Leche?”

Me: *taking pity* “You want black coffee? No milk?”

Man: “Yes.”

Me: *to barista* “Cafe negro.”

Man: “Your English is really good.”

Me: “I would hope so. I’m from Michigan. It’s my Spanish that isn’t very good.”

Life Without Coffee Is A Scream

, | QLD, Australia | Right | October 3, 2014

(I am a customer at a local coffee shop. There are several people in line behind me, so I order and pay and then step out of the way while the barista makes my drink.)

Barista: “One [drink I ordered]!”

(I didn’t think my drink would be ready so quickly given how busy they are, but nobody else steps forward, so I take it.)

Me: “Thanks!”

Angry Lady: “What the h***? That’s my coffee!” *to the barista* “This woman just stole my f****** coffee!”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, was this yours?”

Angry Lady: “Of course it’s f****** mine! F*** you! What gives you the right to take my coffee?”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I ordered the same thing, and nobody stepped up to take it so I thought it was mine.”

Angry Lady: “F*** you! You’re just a broke [racial slur] loitering outside a coffee shop trying to steal other people’s food! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Barista: “Actually, ma’am, this lady ordered and paid for the same drink as you. She has already apologised for her mistake, and if you just wait a moment, I’m making her drink now and you can take that one.”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’d give this back but I already took a sip. If you take my drink we’ll both have what we ordered.”

Angry Lady: “I don’t want your f****** coffee. I want mine!”

Barista: “Ma’am, they are exactly the same, and please stop cursing. There are children here.”

Angry Lady: “Go f*** yourself!”

(She grabs the coffee out of my hand, flings it on the ground at my feet, throws the empty cup at the barista, and then storms off without a drink.)

Barista: *shrugs* “Shame she chucked that coffee on the ground. I think she needs it!”

(She finished making my drink. The angry lady was nowhere to be seen, so I took it and left. It was the best coffee I’d had all week!)

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I’ll Take A Groot Beer

| Cambridge, UK | Right | September 29, 2014

(Sometimes we get customers in costumes who are in good humour if we name them instead of asking their name. We have a group come in who give themselves some DC-ent and MARVEL-ous names. I’m on the bar, making the drinks.)

Me: *with the Batman cup* “Good luck with the night shifts, Dark Knight.”

Batman: “Cheers!”

Me: *Superman* “Who’s the Man of Steel?”

Superman: “That would be me!”

Me: “Sorry, dude. I don’t have chocolate; is Kryptonite okay?”

Superman: “Go for it. It’s my day off.”

Me: *Rocket cup, looking at the last in the group* “Are you Rocket?”

Rocket: “I am Groot.”

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