No Meat In Their Brain, Part 3

| MA, USA | Right | November 10, 2014

(I’m working the register at a popular coffee shop chain. A woman inspects our breakfast sandwiches for a few minutes before approaching me.)

Customer: “Can I get one of the reduced fat turkey bacon sandwiches?”

Me: “I’m so sorry; we just sold out of those. Is there anything else I can offer you today?”

Customer: “Well, what else do you have that’s vegetarian?”

 

They Have It Made

| ON, Canada | Right | October 23, 2014

(I work night shift at a very popular Canadian coffee chain. Four drunk customers walk into the store, barely able to stand. I spot a white limo outside and these customers are dressed like they’ve been out clubbing.)

Me: “Hey, there. What can I get you ladies?”

Drunk Customer: “Hey, um, I have a question?”

Me: “Yes?”

Drunk Customer: “Um, what city are we in?”

Me: *stammering* “P-pardon me?”

Drunk Customer: “Oh, my God. Are you deaf? What CITY are we in?”

Me: “Erm… you’re in between [City #1] and [City #2].”

Drunk Customer: *turns back to her friends* “OH, MY GOD, GUYS! WE MADE IT!”

(It turned out that the ladies had been gambling in Niagara Falls, about three hours away. After asking for the address of the place and reassuring me that they lived in City #1 and they were headed home (they thought), they left without asking for anything and I was left to wonder exactly how intoxicated one had to be to be that lost and that un-phased by it.)

The Drugs Don’t Work And Neither Do You

, | Nashville, TN, USA | Working | October 22, 2014

(A woman sits down across from me at Starbucks, at an interview for a teaching position. Before I can even get a word in, she bursts out with this…)

Woman: “Do y’all drug test? Because I can’t pass one and I don’t plan on being able to anytime soon.”

Me: “I think we’re done here…”

(Shortest. Interview. Ever.)

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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 14

| CA, USA | Right | October 17, 2014

(I’m working at the register when a regular customer (who is a man) approaches me.)

Regular: “[My Name], I have a question for you.”

Me: “Yeah, what is it?”

Regular: “Um… have you read Twilight?”

Me: “No, I haven’t actually read it.”

Regular: “Oh, thank God! I like you.”

 

Needs To Wake Up And Smell The Cafe Negro

| Columbia | Friendly | October 3, 2014

(I’m at the airport at the end of a vacation. Because of my looks, people very often assume I’m from Latin American descent. This happens as I am fixing my coffee. The man behind me, obviously an American who knows no Spanish, is trying to order a coffee.)

Man: “Coffee, please.”

Barista: “Negro, con leche?”

Man: “Black coffee.”

Barista: “Negro? Leche?”

Me: *taking pity* “You want black coffee? No milk?”

Man: “Yes.”

Me: *to barista* “Cafe negro.”

Man: “Your English is really good.”

Me: “I would hope so. I’m from Michigan. It’s my Spanish that isn’t very good.”

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