I work at a “critical infrastructure” facility open to the public. One day, there is a serious fire in our facility. We evacuate and block off the street, and literally every fire engine in town shows up.

During all this, I am stationed at the end of the street to do traffic control. Some of the responses I get are… interesting.

Me: “I’m sorry, the street is closed due to a fire at [Facility]. You’ll have to turn around.”

Customer #1: “But I’m going to [Facility]!”

Me: “[Facility] is on fire. You can’t go there.”

Customer #1: “Oh. But can I go to [other office in the same building]?”

Another one:

Me: “I’m sorry, the street is closed due to a fire at [Facility]. You’ll have to turn around.”

Customer #2: “No, I need to get to [Facility]. I have to get there today!”

Me: “[Facility] is closed because there is a serious fire in the building. The fire department ordered an evacuation.”

Customer #2: “When I called this morning, they didn’t say anything about this!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We were not on fire this morning.”

Another one:

Me: “I’m sorry, the street is closed due to a fire at [Facility]. You’ll have to turn around.”

Customer #3: “Oh, okay. When will you be open again?”

Me: “I have no idea. They’re still trying to put out the fire.”

Customer #3: “You must know something!”

Me: “I know the fire department is working on it. But the fire is still burning, and we don’t know how long it will take until the building is safe to enter. I’m not a firefighter so I can’t even guess.”

Customer #3: “Then ask the firefighters!”

Me: “Sir, you want me to distract the people putting out a fire to ask how long they’re going to take?”

Customer #3: “Yes!”

Recently, I had to take out a reverse mortgage. As a result, I have been getting all sorts of emails and letters from other various firms, mortgage and otherwise.

I get this call from someone trying to sell me “appliance” insurance. He tells me that if anything happened to any of my major appliances, they would cover the full value of the replacement. The signup fee is $200 and the monthlies are about $1,500 a year.

Me: “The total I’ve spent on my appliances for the last twenty years is just about the same. So, what I am getting for $1,500 a year?”

Caller: “Oh, very well.” *Click*

I’m helping a customer pick a new brand of dog food as they say their dog has a food allergy. Processed chicken and grains are usually the two biggest culprits, so I’ve shown them to some grain-free, salmon-based food, as most dogs aren’t allergic to fish.

Customer: “No! I don’t want fish!”

Me: “Oh, I assure you, this brand actually doesn’t smell very fishy.”

Customer: “No! I won’t give him any fish.”

Me: “Is he allergic?”

Customer: “No…” *Whispers* “Fukushima.”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “Fukushima! All fish are irradiated now!”

It finally occurs to me they’re referring to the 2011 Fukushima Nuclear Disaster which took place about five years prior.

Me: “Oh, don’t worry! That took place off the coast of Japan and in the Pacific. This is farm-raised Atlantic Salmon from the Great Lakes.”

Customer: “No! All fish are radioactive now. No one should eat any fish ever again or you’ll get cancer!”

Me: *Pauses* “Well, fortunately, we have other options…”

After several visits, I eventually figured out her dog didn’t have an allergy; he was just very spoiled from having been fed human food his whole life.

I was leaving a doctor’s visit when I had to walk by another doctor standing in the hallway. He had a chart in his hand and was facing one door, so I moved to go behind him. Just as I was between the doctor and the room he was not facing, he turned toward me. We nearly collided but I managed to stop just in time.

Me: “Oh, I—”

Doctor: *Scowling* “Never, never do that again.”

Me: “Do what?”

Doctor: “Stand in my way! You should more considerate of those around you going forward.”

Me: *Pauses* “Said the man in the middle of the hallway.”

The doctor glared at me as I moved past. I looked back and saw him entering the room he was facing originally. I was going to apologize originally, but after he scolded me, I was no longer sorry.

Five or six years ago, I was working in the IT department of a non-profit. Staff started leaving after the new Chief Information Officer came in. He brought in his own management team! We were desperate to backfill Linux administrators since half the team left.

This resume came through Human Resources. The work history seems a bit off: short-term contracts, a few months there, a few months here. We had doubts even before we contacted him for a phone interview.

Coworker: “How do you rate yourself as a Linux admin, on a scale of one to ten?”

Applicant: “To be modest, I’m a ten.”

I muted the phone and we both started laughing. I unmuted the phone.

Me: “So you know the OS well. How would you extend a logical volume?”

Applicant: “Oh, I don’t do the day-to-day stuff. I just create a ticket for the other team. I mainly do architecture.”

My coworker muted the phone.

Coworker: “Is this guy serious?”

We chuckled and got back to the interview.

The next few questions were all pretty simple, but the applicant gave variations of “I have no idea” deflections.

I muted the phone again.

Me: “If he doesn’t know the basics, there’s no point in continuing the phone interview.”

But I decided to give him another chance

Me: “How would you set up passwordless SSH?”

Applicant: “Why don’t you stop asking me basic questions? Ask me about troubleshooting.”

At this point, we gave up and gestured a thumbs-down.

Coworker: “We have no further questions. Do you have questions for us?”

Applicant: “When will you decide to fill the position? I have great confidence in starting this new opportunity.”