Shut Down Your Brain

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2017

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

Try Some Phish Food Instead

, , , , | Romantic | June 10, 2017

(My husband and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner.)

Husband: “I mean there’s seafood… or breakfast food. Breakfast fish?”

Me: “I’m not so sure breakfast fish is a thing.”

Husband: “Well you never know. I mean, there’s fish candy.”

Me: “You mean Swedish fish?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “Those aren’t fish flavored.”

Husband: “Oh.”


Me: “Did you really think they were fish flavored?”

Husband: “Little bit.”

(After some more thought, we realized there ARE breakfast fish dishes: kippers, smoked salmon, and fried catfish and eggs, among others.. But Swedish fish still aren’t fish flavored.)

Expand Your Mind, But Not Your Wallet

, , , , | Friendly | June 10, 2017

(I’m in one of the social areas of a large scale online RPG. Out of the blue I get a request from a random player who just runs up to me.)

Player: “Hey, I see you’re wearing some gear from [Area in Expansion Pack #1]. Interested in doing a raid there together?”

Me: “Sure. I need to go back there and grab some additional stuff anyway.”

(We team up to do the raid; however, when I click on the given area, the game throws up an error message saying one or more members of my party doesn’t have the necessary expansion pack.)

Me: “Uh, there seems to be something wrong. Do you have [Expansion Pack #1]?”

Player: “Oh, no. Do I need it?”

Me: “Yeah, kinda?”

Player: “Sorry. Okay, what about a raid in [Expansion Pack #2 Area]?”

(I set up the raid, and get the same error message.)

Me: “Do you have the pack for that area?”

Player: “No, I don’t. Let’s try [Expansion Pack #3 Area].”

Me: “Wait. First, how much of the game content do you have?”

Player: “Just the base game.”

Me: “Well, you’re not going to be able to go to any of these areas without the packs that add them.”

Player: “But I’m in your party and you have the expansion packs! Won’t that allow me to bypass that? I don’t want to have to pay more to get the new loot!”

(I tried to explain that no, you can’t go to areas that you don’t have the content for installed on your computer, and joining up with someone else who does will not allow you to sidestep the issue. He then left my party and I later saw him complaining on the forums about how no one would let him do a raid with them in the areas for which he adamantly refused to buy and install the needed content.)

Causing Multiple Gender Fenders

, , , | Learning | June 10, 2017

(My high school used to have ‘gender war rallies,’ where the guys dressed in blue and the girls dressed in pink and there were questionable games played to earn points and ‘win.’ Guys were asked ‘girly’ questions and vice versa and they also would do the ‘other genders’’ jobs, such as putting on girly clothes or catching a football. It was so stupid. And this was still happening in 2009! During my senior year, my advanced writing class is working on a big assignment about on-campus and social media bullies. The teacher manages to get the vice principal and another administrator to come in and explain how they manage to deal with bullies and victims. Everyone is satisfied with their answers until I raise my hand:)

Me: “What about the gender wars? Every year when we have them, everybody acts like they’re seven years old, partake in the most stereotypical activities, and throw insults to each other. It divides the school for a day.”

Classmate #1: “But EVERYONE is doing it, so it’s okay.”

Me: “I’m not doing it and I don’t like to be told that I’m a ‘know-nothing girl’ who only likes makeup and listens to Spice Girls. Sometimes, when the girls are losing, someone adds extra points, as if we need to be thrown a bone or something. It’s insulting. Gender wars are put on to see who could ‘win’, but when the girls are losing, they tilt in our favor so we won’t feel ‘bad’.”

Classmate #2: “You’re just being sensitive. It’s a fun event.”

Me: “Not for me and I’m sure there are other people who feel the same way I do. I sometimes see insulting signs from both sides, like ‘make me a sandwich.’ I’m not seven again. I don’t like my gender being pointed out to me.”

(Other classmates argued with me for a bit, but it died down as we focused on other problems with bullies. That year, I wore a purple T-shirt with a sign attached exclaiming ‘purple out of protest!’, but I still had to go to the event. The whole time I saw the vice principal and the other administrator demanding for the kids to hand over the insulting signs each side had, one reading ‘Cee Yo* Next Tuesday’. Later, the special-ed kids, whom I help with homework, told me that they didn’t like it because everyone was being so mean to each other. Before the end of the day, the vice principal announced on the intercom that gender war rallies were cancelled forever.)

Want To Explain But You Can’t Find The Words

, , , , | Related | June 9, 2017

(My sister and I are at my cousin’s house babysitting her young daughters. While my sister is out of the room, the two-year-old grabs a word search book.)

Two-Year-Old: “Can you read this book to me?”

Me: “Um, that’s not a book you actually read.”

Two-Year-Old: “Please?”

Me: “It’s the opposite; you actually try to find hidden words.”

(She looks disappointed, but that doesn’t stop her from opening the book and flipping through the pages. After a few minutes:)

Two-Year-Old: “I like that story a lot. I want to read it again!”

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