Unfiltered Story #115147

, , | Unfiltered | June 18, 2018

I am shopping at a well-known retail store whose employees wear red shirts and khaki bottoms. I am wearing black jeans, and a dark blue tee with my agency’s name – a name whose acronym or full name don’t even come close to the retail store – printed on the FRONT and BACK of the tee. A customer starts to walk up to me as I’m using the price check scanner…

Customer: Do you know where I can find belts?

Me: … I don’t work here.

Customer: Oh… *walks away*

(For specifics, I was shopping at Target. My tee on the front stated “Asian Americans for Community Involvement” and on the back had the acronym “AACI” with three other words. No clue how price checking a bunch of items = an employee whose attire don’t even come close to what’s expected)

Get The [Beep] Out

, , , , , | Related | March 11, 2018

(I am 12, and I have scoliosis. This causes the spine to bend in unnatural ways and can even lead to full paralysis. I am lucky; my doctors catch it at an early curve, and I am moved to a specialized hospital where I undergo corrective surgery. Much of the family comes to visit, some of whom I’m not a fan of, specifically my older brother. During my time in the ICU just after surgery, I am hooked up to a press-button mechanism which delivers pain-killing meds to my system with an audible beep. While in the ICU I am constantly exhausted, surrounded by family and being annoyed by nurses and doctors. One day, I’ve had enough. I’ve been suffering traumatic nightmares and hallucinations, which leaves me spiteful, this morning especially. I have also forgotten that the machine which gives me medicine has a tendency to beep. My family walks in, led by the head nurse.)

Nurse: *gently* “[My Name], wake up; your family’s here!”

Me: *groans and glares at family*

My Brother: *teasingly* “So, [My Name], how are you feeling today?”

Me: *glares some more, presses button*

Machine: *BEEP*

Me: *startled and confused* “Huh?”

My Family: *laughs*

Dad: “Well, I guess that answers that question!”

(I couldn’t help but laugh, myself.)

And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2018

(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

It Drives In The Family

, , , , , , , , , | Related | January 23, 2018

(I have received a speeding ticket, and as it’s not my first, I need to attend a government-run “re-training” session at a local school to teach me about the consequences of speeding. I walk into the classroom, and bump into my brother.)

Me: “What are you doing here?”

Brother: “I could ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you get a ticket?”

Brother: “Yeah, did you?”

Me: “Yeah, I was told I had to attend this class.”

Brother: “Oh, man. Me, too!” *his eyes go wide* “Seriously?”

(I follow his gaze and see our mom walk into the room.)

Mom: “What are you two doing here?”

(We establish that all three of us have received speeding tickets recently, none of which have been our first. The class starts and the teacher is taking roll-call.)

Teacher: “[My Name] [My Last Name].”

Me: “Here.”

Teacher: “[Brother] [My Last Name].”

Brother: “Here.”

Teacher: “[Mom] [My Last Name].”

Mom: “Here.”

(The teacher looks up after reading the three names in a row, to see the three of us sat together. We all look alike.)

Teacher: “Are you related?”

Mom: “They’re my sons.”

Teacher: “Who taught them how to drive?”

Mom: “I did.”

Teacher: “Figures.”

Unfiltered Story #102562

, , , | Unfiltered | January 2, 2018

(A coworker and I have become quite close, and we frequently bond over our mutual weird sense of humor and shared love of cats. He was raised Jewish while my family celebrates Christmas, though neither of us could be described as being religious. On Christmas morning I send him a text.)

Me: MEEEEEERRY CATMAS! AND A HAPPY MEW YEAR! And I dunno something something oily Jewish miracles I guess.

(He texts back almost immediately.)

Coworker: I f*cking love you

Me: Love you too <3


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