The Only Time Cakes Make You Blue

, , , , , | Right | April 28, 2020

My coworker and I work at a cafe that serves sandwiches, coffees, and various baked goods. The most popular of these are our blueberry scones that just smell heavenly after they come out of the oven.

Coworker: “So, I had this customer come in the other day complaining about our blueberry scones.”

Me: “What did she complain about?”

Coworker: “That they were molding.”

Me: “What? We bake our scones daily.  How in the world were they—”

Coworker: “It was the blueberry crumbles. She said that they were moldy and demanded we exchange for another one.”

Me: “Did you?”

Coworker: “Yeah, apparently, they were molding also.”

Me: *Blinks twice* “Seriously?”

Coworker: “I know, right? Usually, people complain about not getting enough blueberries. Eventually, I gave her one that barely had any blueberries on it and she went off on her merry way, perfectly fine.”

Me: “Who orders a blueberry scone and doesn’t want blueberries on it?”

Coworker: “People who don’t understand that blueberries are blue, apparently.”

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Unfiltered Story #190116

, , , | Unfiltered | March 17, 2020

(A tow truck driver has come to take away a car with a bad transmission that the customer is not fixing. He pulls into the middle of the service drive, and we arrange for a porter to help him locate and load the car. He’s standing and waiting, then pokes his head into the office area to ask a question.)

Driver: You know that gate back there?

(Our service driveway comes in off the main street and is huge and wide and straight, running the length of the property all the way to a massive gate out to the back road.)

Me: Yes?
Driver: How do I get there?
Me: Uhm..

(I think he must be talking about another gate I have somehow not noticed in my year and a half of working here. I get out of my chair and go stand with him by his tow truck, looking down the massive long wide driveway and the straight shot out to the gate. It’s the only gate. I point down the unobstructed path.)

Me: That gate?
Him: Yeah!

(Later I’m telling my coworkers about this, and they all laugh. One has to ask:)

Coworker #1: So what did you say? ‘Well, you take the gearshift and put it in drive..’
Me: I wanted to say ‘Uhm.. Just drive?’ Or reverse, I guess, since his nose was facing [main street]. But it seemed too smartassy and rude. I don’t want to be a jerk, even if he’s dumb! But my brain kind of locked up a little and I couldn’t think of a polite way to answer his question. So I just answered a question he didn’t ask, in a way that answered the question he DID ask. I told him, ‘Oh yeah, if you drive down and go out that gate, you can just turn right then left then right and you’re facing [main street] again.’ Which seemed to work because.. He drove. Down the driveway. To the gate.
Coworker #2: And he DIDN’T GET LOST? Good thing he asked for those directions!
Me: I just don’t know what he was expecting! ‘Oh gee, good thing you asked, you must have noticed our cunningly disguised pit trap right in the middle of the one open path down the lot! Now I’ll give you the secret instructions!’
Coworker #1: ‘You gotta reeeeeeally gun it to jump the tow truck over it, or else the gators’ll getcha!’

Unfiltered Story #186900

, , , | Unfiltered | February 16, 2020

My wife is the customer service manager for a diaper service. This message showed up in her inbox.

Do you ship to PO Boxes or not? And when will you expand your service area nationwide(all 50 states nationwide),or worldwide(every country)? How many years do you think it would take you to reach a nationwide service area and how long have you been in business? because if you charge a certain amount for your diapers you should have reach a nationwide service by now since you’ve created the website 10 yrs ago, so how come you haven’t reached a nationwide let alone a worldwide service area by now. because people will buy from you no matter what the price unless you are using a very expensive web hosting service or something. and what kind of house do you live in?(mansion, regular house, mod home or a single wide), if you are in the top 2 sell your house to move into a mod or single wide house) that way you can expand your business more. easily and more faster, learn on how to be humble, and if you are in a single wide or mod home and are struggling, then I apologize, but yo! u should’ve made enough money by now to live comfortable since you’ve created this website 10 yrs ago in 2006 or 2005 so you could have saved up money.or something of the sort.

Africans Have To Choose Their Battles

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2020

(A man who works for the airline walks by pushing a little old lady in a wheelchair when I overhear the following.)

Woman: “Where are you from?”

Employee: “Originally Kenya, ma’am.”

Woman: “Oh, okay. I knew it must be somewhere in Africa, but that’s a big country.”

Employee: “Um… Yes, it is.” *sighs*

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, , , , | Romantic | October 28, 2019

(I’m at a house party when a long-time acquaintance walks up. I’ve known him since I was 15, and he’s been wanting to have an inappropriate relationship with me. I’m in my mid-40s when this conversation takes place. He is wearing a lifting brace with the logo for Snap-On Tools on the back.)

Me: “Is your back bothering you?”

Acquaintance: “Yes.”

Me: “I hope your back will get better real soon.”

Acquaintance: “I’m the only guy here who can say I have a snap-on tool.”

Me: *in a really loud voice* “[Acquaintance]! I didn’t know it was that short!”

(He left the party shortly after that.)

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