I am in rural Indiana (where I do not live) for a family reunion. There are many people there and not enough groceries, so I end up being the one to pick up a few gallons of milk at a local convenience store. As I am checking out, an older woman comes up to me and starts to make small talk. Normally, this would bother me, but I decide to be polite. The very awkward conversation goes as follows.

Customer: “I’m sorry, hun, but could you try a different accent?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Ooh! Maybe you could do a Southern accent. Those are very charming.”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “Well, I find the New Jersey accent you seem to be doing to be very off-putting. It’s aggressive, and honestly, not a very good impression.”

Me: *Very tired and slightly offended* “Not a good impression? What the heck are you talking about?”

She’s obviously very religious, so I don’t want to push her over the edge by saying, “h***.”

Customer: *Very condescendingly* “Well, of course, I know that New Jersey accents were made up by TV to make things more dramatic and such, but that still wasn’t very convincing! It was far too strong. Now, why don’t you try something else?”

I was very confused, so I just paid for the milk without responding — the cashier was barely able to keep from laughing — and walked back to my car, which had a very obvious New Jersey license plate, talking to myself in my 100% real New Jersey accent, and trying to figure out what she meant by “made up by TV”.

I never usually answer my phone for numbers I do not recognize. I am waiting for a call from my resident advisor regarding a dorming matter; he has my number but I do not have his. My phone rings and I assume it is him, so I answer it.

Me: “What’s up?!”

Scammer: “Hello, miss. We have been trying to get a hold of you for quite some time. Your computer has a serious bug and you need to act fast!”

I have nothing better to do, so let’s play along.

Me: “Really? D***. Which computer is it on?”

Scammer: “It is on your main computer. We need your details so we can log in and help get rid of the bug.”

Me: “Well, I have a couple of computers, so you really need to nail it down.”

Scammer: “Whichever one you use the most, that is the one.”

Me: “But I make sure to use them equally every day. If I didn’t, they would get upset with me!” *Whispering* “We wouldn’t like it if they got upset. You know what I mean?”

Scammer: “Um, no, I’m not really sure, but your computer has a—”

Me: “Yes, yes, a bug.” *Lowers voice* “But which ONNNNEEEEE?”

Scammer: “Miss—”

Me: “Shhh! Not so loud! They can hear us!”

Scammer: “Who?”

Me: *Practically scream-whispering* “THE COMPUTERS. THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING. ALWAYS. WATCHING.”

Scammer: “Okay, I’m just going to—”

Me: *Now literally screaming* “AND THE DAY SHALL COME WHEN FIRE DESCENDS UPON THE EARTH AND THE DEVIL WILL CLAW HIS WAY UP FROM HELL. ONLY THE HOLY WILL BE SPARED. THE COMPUTERS ARE BEHIND IT. THEY. ARE. EVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLLL—”

I made sure to draw out the evil until I heard the distinctive click of the scammer hanging up. Game, set, match.

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Customer: “I’m unsatisfied with what you sent and I want to return it for a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. I’ll be happy to help with that.”

Customer: *Yelling.* “Why are you just doing what I wanted instead of coming up with another solution on your own?! Get me your manager!”

This takes place in an electronics retailer about ten years ago. We are required to greet every customer as they enter. This is not hard; it is a small store.

One day, a customer walks and goes straight to the cell phones. We get good commission on those, so I get a little excited that someone is interested.

Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

She stops dead with this deer-in-headlights look.

Customer: *Yelling* “I DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING!”

I would never assume anyone was a thief as they walk in. I was thinking, “COMMISSION! OH, BOY!”

Me: “I was just greeting you. We are required—”

Customer: *Interrupting* “I SAID I DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING!”

Me: *Slightly sterner* “I never thought you did. We are required to greet every customer as they come in.”

She then takes what I recognize from my various martial arts as a “fighting stance.” I find this very odd. The customer is a foot and a half shorter than I am and scrawny. I recognize that this is time to deescalate. Walking it back a bit, I try to explain our policy about greeting customers once more.

Customer: “I do not deserve to be treated this way! I will never come in here again!”

For whatever reason, she does not leave, even though the open mall is a foot behind her. She holds her ground, glaring at me like she is going to either lunge or run. What does she think is going to happen?

Me: *Exasperated* “Please don’t.”

She yelled something unintelligible and bolted.

My girlfriend frequently forgets her age and thinks she’s younger than she actually is. She needs to be reminded on a semi-regular basis that she’s twenty and no longer eighteen. She also has a lot of lucid dreams and will frequently sleep-talk. These two combined made this funny scene one morning.

Girlfriend: “Morning, [Primary School Teacher].”

She turns over in bed.

Girlfriend: “Ah, oops. Sorry. Forgot I’m no longer a student here. I’ll just run off to [Secondary School].”

She mutters something I don’t quite catch but then starts talking again.

Girlfriend: *Increasingly frantic* “Wait, where’re all my classmates? What do you mean, there are no more classes for [Old High School Class]? Then what do I do every day? What do I do every day?!”

Her alarm then goes off and she sits up, immediately awake.

Girlfriend: *In the glummest tone I’ve ever heard* “Ah, right. I’ve got a job now. I go to work every day.”