The Opposite Of Radio Silence

, , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(At our store, we have walkie-talkies to communicate. They barely work, and hardly anyone remembers to put them on. I happen to have one today.)

Customer: “That was supposed to be on the 30% off rack.”

Me: *over walkie* “Can anyone double-check the orange-print dresses? The customer says they’re 30% off.” *no answer*

Me: “Anyone copy that?”

(No answer. I override the price and send the customer on her way. There’s no one in the store but me and a few employees out of sight.)

Me: *over walkie* “Does anyone have a walkie?”

(No answer, so I start acting a little silly.)

Me: *over walkie* “Code Blue. There’s a rhinoceros in the electronics section.” *We don’t have an electronics section.*

Me: *over walkie* “Two households, alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we set our scene…”

Me: *over walkie* “Call me Ishmael!”

Me: *over walkie* “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and, sorry I could not travel both…”

Me: *over walkie* “Daisy, daisy…”

Manager: *over walkie* “…give me your answer true!”

Me: *over walkie* “Oh, that you heard!”

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This Conversation Has Gone To The Dogs

, , , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(I’ve dropped by work while on maternity to talk about coming back on a part-time basis. I catch up with my manager first, and we have been talking about my son for nearly half an hour.)

Me: “He’s been a bit grouchy lately. My doctor thinks the formula I’m using might be upsetting his stomach.”

Manager: “You should just castrate him. That usually does the trick.”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Oh, I’d love to, but I don’t think childhood castration is legal.”

Manager: “Oh, I thought you were talking about your dog.”

(I don’t have a dog, and the conversation up to that point had been exclusively about my son…)

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, , , , | Right | September 4, 2017

(I’ve just sold a pack of novelty stamps to an elderly woman.)

Woman: “Is it safe to lick these?”

Me: “You don’t need to; they’re adhesive on the back. You just need to peel it off and stick it straight on.”

Woman: “That’s good. I didn’t want to catch the gay.”

Me: “Gay?”

Woman: “From the rainbow. Everyone knows if you lick something that has a rainbow on it, you catch the gay. That’s why I stay inside when those gay floats come down my street. You don’t want anything accidentally landing in your mouth.” *leaves*

Coworker: “I wonder if she’s ever had a bag of Skittles.”

Me: “I doubt it. You definitely catch the gay from them!”

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This Meal Is Crap

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(I’m the weird coworker in this one. I supervise a large staff. One of the librarians on staff is known for being un-gross-out-able. One day I’m snacking on unsulphured dried apricots. Without the sulphur, they don’t stay orange but turn brown like raisins, but of course much larger.)

Librarian: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Turds.”

Librarian: “That’s what I thought.”

(To my horror, I realize a new librarian is nearby and has turned around to stare at us. Luckily, she burst out laughing. When you’re the boss, you’re not supposed to say you’re eating turds in the workroom.)

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Grandma Is On The Juice

, , , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

(My grandmother had a habit of saying bizarre and off-the-wall statements. When Grandpa, her husband of 40 years, passed away, she topped them all. They have a burial plot together where one coffin will be on top of the other.)

Grandmother: “I’m glad your grandpa went first… so all of his juices won’t be leaking out on me.”  

(Thanks, Grandma. I’ll never get that out of my head.)

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