Her Hearing Is Going But Her Eyes Are Sharp As A Hawk’s

, , , , | Healthy | January 17, 2018

(I work in a local doctor’s surgery, running a clinic fixing hearing aids. I’m at home with my family when the doorbell rings. An elderly lady is standing outside.)

Elderly Lady: “Hello, are you the hearing aid lady?”

Me: “Yes…”

Elderly Lady: *hands me a small package* “The hospital posted me a new hearing aid mould, but I don’t know how to fit it. I didn’t want to wait for the clinic.”

Me: “How did you find me?”

Elderly Lady: “I saw you going home and I recognised you. Can you put my hearing aid together?”

Me: “Uh… sure.”

(I do it on the spot; it’s a ten-second job.)

Elderly Lady: “Thank you! Bye!”

Me: *speechless*

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No Need To Be Anal About It

, , , , , | Right | January 17, 2018

(I work at a clothing store that markets itself as a family-friendly store with clothes for the whole family. We have a t-shirt in the boy’s department that says “ANIMAL” on it three times, with different letters a lighter color than the rest on each line so that it spells out “I’M AN ANIMAL” within the words. We’ve had the shirt for some time, and it’s one of our popular ones. A man and his son, maybe nine years old, come to my register with this shirt. The man seems a bit agitated.)

Customer: “Hi, I need to return this shirt. I don’t know what kind of business you guys are running, but it has a swear word on it.”

Me: “You mean… ‘animal?’”

Customer: “No, just look at it. My poor son wore this to a party.”

(I stare at the shirt for a good thirty seconds and can’t see anything other than the word “animal.” The customer then points to the top line, where the “IM” in the middle of the word is a different color. I still don’t see anything. The customer then points to the “AN” and “AL” on either side.)

Me: Oh… ‘Anal.’ I never even noticed that was there; I think it’s honestly just supposed to say, ‘animal.’ I don’t think they meant to do that on purpose.”

Customer: “Of course they did. They do it so unsuspecting people will wear the shirt and the smarter people will see it and be subjected to that kind of language.”

Me: “Okay, then. Let’s just get that returned for you.”

(The boy seemed unphased by the whole event, as if his father’s rationale was totally normal and he fully believed it. Of course, this customer also didn’t have his receipt, and expected me to give him cash back for the full price of the shirt when it had gone on clearance, and our policy is store credit without a receipt. Overall, he was a fun customer to deal with.)

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Black Pepper Matters

, , | Right | January 16, 2018

(I work as a receptionist at a museum that has an exhibition about racism. This is when I am still an intern. I have only worked at the reception by myself a couple of times before, so I am a little nervous. A customer walks in.)

Customer: “May I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course!”

(The customer looks at me with a deadly serious face.)

Customer: “Black pepper and white pepper. Is that racist?”

(Needless to say, I was stunned by the odd question.)

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Kicking Up A Stink

, , , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(I work for a popular pizza delivery company. I am on my way to an address with an order. My car has got the light-up sign on top of it with the company logo on it. I have stopped at a traffic light when suddenly my rear passenger door opens. A lady I don’t recognise puts a whole load of shopping bags in before climbing in herself.)

Lady: “All right, I need to get to [Town an hour’s drive away]. The address is…”

Me: “Whoa! Sorry, madam, but I’m not actually a taxi. I work for [Pizza Place].”

Lady: *looks at me like I’m crazy* “I know that! But you’re better than a taxi service! I’m sure you know the roads just as well, and I wouldn’t have to spend an extortionate amount of money, either!”

Me: “Madam, I’m not allowed to take passengers, and even if I could I never head to [Town]; it’s outside our delivery area!”

Lady: *huffy* “Well! It’s not like you have nothing to gain from this! If you take me home and help take my shopping indoors, I might consider ordering a pizza from you tonight. Depending on how I feel later, of course.”

(By this point, the lights have been green for a while. The cars behind me are honking their horns and the drivers are expressing themselves with rather rude gestures.)

Me: “Madam, I really don’t have time to explain this! I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can give you a lift! You’re going to have to travel home some other way!”

(The lady stares agape before scowling, grabbing her bags and leaving, slamming my car door as hard as she can. I take my delivery as normal. When I return to the shop, my manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: “So, we got a complaint about a straggly young man that wouldn’t take a tired woman with her heavy bags of shopping home?”

Me: “Oh, she rang up, did she? Did she say how she got in my car at a traffic light, knowing full well I was a pizza man?”

Manager: “Actually, yeah. But don’t worry; I talked some sense into her.”

Me: “Oh? You explained how we’re not insured to do that?”

Manager: *raises an eyebrow* “No. I explained how, if she rides in your car to [Town], all her shopping would stink of pizza for months. She asked why you didn’t just say so, and hung up. Okay, back to work.”

(And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you become a good manager.)


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This Customer Needs To Be Ghosted

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

Cashier: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a refund for this game!”

Cashier: “Was it defective?”

Customer: “It released evil spirits into my house!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Unless it was defective, it cannot be returned once opened.”

Customer: “MY HOUSE IS CURSED BECAUSE OF YOU!”

(I see the title of the game at this point, Wii Play Plus, and know exactly what she is talking about.)

Customer: “YOU WILL GIVE ME A REFUND OR I WILL SUE THIS STORE FOR EVERY F****** PENNY!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. The ghost mini-game does not actually detect real ghosts.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The Wii takes advantage of the Wii MotionPlus to detect where it’s pointing even if it’s off the screen. There are no actual ghosts in your house.”

Customer: “Well, I never! Who thought that was a good idea? People could get confused easily!” *flounces out, game in hand*

(The cashier wordlessly handed me a 75%-off coupon.)

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