(My first real job is at a bakery. I answer the phone, but hear the line go dead about halfway through my welcome message.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name].”

(The customer hangs up.)

Me: “We are not available to speak to you right now, so please speak slowly and clearly at the sound of the click.”

(I hang up. My boss literally stops with one foot in the air, looking HORRIFIED.)

Me: “Relax, man. They hung up.”

Boss: *sigh of relief, followed by a grin* “Whew. That was funny. Never do it again.”

Me: *salutes* “No problem! I work up a new gag each time.”

(I’m using a bread slicer machine to slice a loaf of bread for a customer.)

Customer: “No, no. You did it wrong!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

(I show him the bread. He points out a small indent in the bread and says I need to slice another loaf while holding the top of the bread slicer machine up so it doesn’t squish the bread. I comply, and the bread comes out clean with no minor dents. I place the rejected bread on the sample board, and as the customer is checking out, he takes slice of the bread.)

Me: “So, the bread wasn’t good enough to buy, but still good enough to eat?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

(I wish I could have charged him for that.)

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(I do cake decorating as a hobby and will do occasional jobs to fund it or just for some extra spending cash. I tend to be a bit expensive because I make everything by hand, from the cake to the frosting, and use fresh ingredients like butter and fresh fruit instead of oil and frozen stuff. I have a mother-in-law who is a pain in the rear; she likes to volunteer me for stuff, and then gets mad when I wont do it. My mother-in-law calls me and lets me know that someone at work is getting married, so she gave her my number to make a cake. I don’t normally like to bake for strangers, but I could use a little extra cash. The girl calls me and goes through what she wants. She has a wedding with over 300 guests. She wants a multi-tiered, very elaborately-decorated cake, and a groom’s cake — this is normally an extra, small, chocolate cake on the side of the wedding cake. So, I go through my calculations.)

Me: “Okay, for what you want, the cost will be $450.”

Caller: “WHAT?! That’s ridiculous! That is way too much. Why would it cost so much? I could get a cake from [Big Box Store] for much less!”

Me: “Oh, yes, you most certainly could. But I use fresh ingredients and make everything from scratch, whereas the stores use frozen cakes shipped in, and decorate them with machine-made icings. Plus, they cannot make the elaborate designs you want.”

Caller: “Well, that is ridiculous. Your mother-in-law said it would only run me around $30 or $50. You will do a deal for me.”

(Honestly, it sounded just like something my mother-in-law would say, and I confirm later that the moron did just that.)

Me: “Well, then, you can get my mother-in-law to make it for you. Honey, $30 won’t even cover the ingredients for the groom’s cake, much less the wedding cake. My wedding cake prices start at $100, and what you want is not a $100 job.”

Caller: “Well, can’t you do it as a wedding gift for me? Your mother-in-law said you do that for people.”

Me: “I did that for my sister and a dear friend. You are a complete stranger. It will be $450 for you.”

(She was very mad and hung up. Twenty minutes later, my idiot of a mother-in-law called, all upset, DEMANDING I make the cake for $30. I told her unless she was willing to give me $450 in cash up front, she could tell her coworker to go to the big box store for her cake. Yeah, my mother-in-law is a pain and an idiot, but she never did that again because it embarrassed her at work. Really, who the heck expects an elaborate wedding cake for $50?)

(During a supply order, my manager comes over to ask if we need anything.)

Me: “Oh! I’m glad you reminded me. We need… uh… the… the…”

Manager: “Piping bags?”

Me: “No! It’s the… Um… Crap!”

Manager: “Refills for the airbrush? You were using that a lot today.”

Me: “No! I… It’s a food thing!”

Manager: *laughing now* “Well, I should hope so; we work in a bakery! I’m glad I didn’t hire you for your memory.”

Me: “I can’t believe this!”

Manager: “Well, don’t stress it. If you can’t remember it today, we’ll order it next week.”

(I sulk for a while, frustrated at my brain freeze. It’s like a complete and total blank. Then, five days later, while my manager and I are doing the dishes together and talking about something completely unrelated to work…)

Me: *wide-eyed, shouting and interrupting her* “BAVARIAN CREAM!”

Manager: *looking startled and afraid* “What?”

Me: “That’s what I wanted to say we needed last week! I just remembered!”

Manager: “Oh. Well… Good! I think that might actually be discontinued right now, though. We’re probably going to use something else.”

Me: “But… I remembered!”

Manager: *affectionately and only a LITTLE patronizing* “You sure did, honey.”

(Sigh.)

(I’m intolerant to wheat. I step into a bakery and the following ensues. I have told both employees about my condition.)

Me: “Hello, do you have anything made from corn flour?”

Employee #1: “Hmm, perhaps this one. It’s made with cheese.”

Me: “What flour has been used for it?”

Employee #1: “Whole-grain flour.”

Me: “Whole-grain wheat flour or whole-grain corn flour?”

Employee #1: “Ah, I have no idea.” *calls other employee*

Employee #2: “That’s not wheat flour; that’s [brand]. It’s germinated with sprouts… of wheat.”

Me: “Goodbye.”