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Beguiling Bagels

, , , | Right | December 13, 2017

(I’m standing in line at a popular bakery behind this customer. Their bagels are very good, and only $2 each.)

Customer: “I would like six or seven bagels.”

Worker: “Sorry, was that six or seven?”

Customer: “Yes. Six or seven bagels.”

Worker: *puts seven in a bag and hands them to the customer* “That will be $14, please.”

Customer: “What?”

Worker: “$14 please, sir.”

Customer: “I wanted six bagels. Why is it $14?!”

Worker: “Oh! I’m sorry. I’ll put one back.” *she holds out her hand for the bag*

Customer: “No! No! What are you not understanding?! I wanted seven bagels! But I only want to pay for six!”

They Act Like They’re Baked

, , , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2017

(My BFF and I run a small bakery. We are very sarcastic with each other and our employees:)

BFF: *texting* “Not coming in today.”

Me: “Really? You are only four hours late. I didn’t even miss you.”

BFF: “Slow?”

Me: “Turtle, slug, slime creeping; what is slower?”

BFF: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Watching Deadwood, cleaning the office, surfing p*rn (not really).”

BFF: “Go home. Girls can handle the front.”

Me: “No! Then I would have to watch TMNT, clean the kitchen, and surf Pinterest. Work is way better!”

A Baker’s Dozen Reasons For Going Out Of Business

, , , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(I drop in at a bakery with some friends.)

Us: “Hi, we’d like a dozen cookies.”

Cashier: “Orders of 12 or more have to wait 20 minutes for new cookies to bake.”

Us: “Well, how about 11?”

Cashier: “Still have to wait.”

Us: “10, 9?”

Cashier: “…”

(So, we waited, but the joke’s on the bakery, because none of us will be back. Turns out the cookies from across the street were better, anyway. What kind of bakery has a wait for a dozen cookies, bagels, cupcakes, etc?)

Recipe’s Frozen In Place

, , , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I work with my sister at a vegan bakery. It’s her first job. It is January, so typically cold. I show up the first day before sunrise and it is freezing inside — literally. The building is separate from the main restaurant.)

Me: “Why is it so cold?”

Sister: “Oh, the owner doesn’t have heat installed in here. Don’t worry; it kind of warms up after a few hours when we turn the oven on.”

(Later, I start to mix a recipe with a spoon.)

Sister: “Oh, no, if the owner comes back here and sees that, we get in trouble. We have to use our bare hands.”

Me: “Seriously? Bare hands? And it’s all freezing?”

Sister: “Yeah, otherwise we get yelled at and she starts coming back here a lot more to check.”

(Another day the owner came back and hurriedly LOCKED US IN. There were bars on the window; we literally couldn’t get out if there was a fire. She did this for several days because, as we found out later, the health inspector was around and she didn’t want him to know that building was in use. It’s really hard to find a baking job, so my little sister begged me not to say anything. I got my revenge quite unintentionally. On one of my last few days, it was so cold I wore my longest coat. I got so many glares from the owner and the staff in the actual kitchen, all family members, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized: they are all Hindu. My coat? A calf-length white LEATHER trench coat. Oops. Shortly after I moved on, my sister gave up as well. She made new recipes for things like their tea cookies, following all vegan guidelines, but they were rejected because, “They didn’t taste vegan,” “They weren’t hard enough,” and, “No one would believe they were vegan.” After she left, someone sued because the cookies were so hard they broke a tooth.)

That Age-Old Discount Trick

, , , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(My coworker who normally works in the morning is helping a customer at our donut case. It’s about four in the afternoon.)

Customer: “Why are these donuts so expensive?”

(Donuts are 50 cents each.)

Coworker: “Well, they do go on sale later in the evening.” *to me* “What is the deal with donut sale?”

Me: “Donuts are 50% off after five, but you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “I have to wait an hour to buy donuts?!”

Me: “If you want the discount. And you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “Can’t you just give me the discount? I only want two. I’m old!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t give you the discount.”

Customer: “Well, who can? I’m old!”

Me: “Maybe the store manager.”

(The customer wanders off and comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “The store manager said I could have the donuts for half price.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The customer picks out his two donuts and shakes them angrily at us as he walks away.)

Customer: “I’m old!”

Coworker: “I’m middle-aged! Where’s my discount? You’re young! Where’s your discount?”