Queer As Folk Re-Vamped

, , , , , | Right | January 19, 2011

Customer: “Hey. You were talking about vampire books with the last customer?”

Me: “They’re here on the wall next to the counter.”

Customer: “Do you have any gay ones?”

Me: “Do you mean as in homoerotic literature?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, no. Have you tried [Romance Bookshop] across the road?”

Customer: “Why would I go there? I just want gay vampires.”

Me: “Well, that’s generally a subsection of romance, not sci-fi.”

Customer: “I don’t want romance! I just want gay vampires!”


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Best To Avoid The Void

, , , | Right | January 13, 2011

(I can’t cancel sales. If a customer doesn’t want an item, I must void it and it still appears on the next receipt with the deletion below. This conversation takes place after I voided a $30 CD player and another customer comes through.)

Customer: “The previous lady’s CD player is still on my receipt. I don’t want to pay for it!”

Me: “Sorry, madam, but if you look just below the CD player It says ‘Void CD Player’ and there is a -$30 next to it, meaning the money has already come off your total.”

Customer: *agitated* “I’m not very good at maths, but that doesn’t sound right. I don’t believe you.”

Me: “The total of your items was only $16.50. If you had to also pay for the CD player, it would have been $46.50. You only gave me $20.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. If I figure out how you tricked me I’ll be back!”


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D’ohpe, Part 2

, , , , , | Legal Right | January 12, 2011

(I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defense under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”


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You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | January 11, 2011

Customer: “Excuse me, can you please help me find the new [Brand] MP3 player? The one with the built-in paedophile?”

Me: “I’m sorry, built in what?”

Customer: “Paedophile, that thing that keeps track of your footsteps?”

Me: “Ah, yes. That would be a pedometer.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I can say with 100% certainty that none of our products have a built-in paedophile.”

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No Faith In Science

, , , , , , , | Right | January 3, 2011

Child: “What’s the Cretaceous period?”

Mother: “Something scientists made up.”

Me: *chiming in* “It’s the third period that the dinosaurs lived in. It was from about 140-65 million years ago.”

Child: “Really?”

Mother: “The Cretaceous period is just something that scientists made up to dispute Christ.” *turns to face me* “But we won’t get into that.”

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