I’ll Have The Massage She’s Having

, , , | Friendly | October 2, 2017

(A friend has decided to start a small business providing healing massages at his wife’s beauty salon. He is relying on word-of-mouth recommendations. He has just given a massage to an acquaintance who has absolutely no filter. She waits until he is having a conversation with other friends.)

Acquaintance: “[Name], that massage you gave me was great; I was like—” *throws head back, moans, and pulls an orgasm face* “—afterwards. I’ll recommend you to everyone, they’ll all want to—” *moans again* “—as well.”

(My friend was clearly embarrassed. His wife just rolled her eyes and shook her head. He stuttered a thank you. She walked off, quite pleased with herself. A few other friends waited until they thought my friend was out of earshot and discussed how they would never let him touch them after that. She did more harm than good with her performance.)

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Unfiltered Story #95750

| Unfiltered | October 2, 2017

Was working the register, old white angry racist man enters the store, this fellow has threatened violence on cashiers, and threatened to shoot up the store because he had to wait on service because understaffed or busy, has told cashiers he was going to kill himself etc etc, he is a despicable and creepy fellow who constantly licks his lips every 10 seconds or so. he grabs a soft drink, and bread, comes through my register, I smile, retail face on. say howdy, ask him how he is (the usual friendly routine) he responds with “Tell the bloody Indians to stop eating all the dog food, there’s none on the shelf, fucking Indians are eating it all” I smiled at him, laughed from shock “well you tell me your favourite flavour and I’ll ask them to spare some for you, I am sure their pets wont mind letting you have some of your favourite flavour”
luckily he left quietly and without threatening to kill anybody again. and I was not reported.

and that’s the story of the angry old racist who broke my retail face.

Unfiltered Story #95748

| Unfiltered | October 2, 2017

A woman and her son come in to buy a sewing machine and has brought in print-outs from another store and our price matching policy. The machine is on special at the other place and she wants the extra 15% off that we offer. I read both papers and take note of what they say.

Me “I’m sorry but we don’t match prices with online stores or sale items”

Son “The place has a store front”

Me “They might but right here it says ‘online only special.”

Mother “It’s not on special, you have to match it”

Me “The full price is clearly marked right here and I can’t even match that for you because our regular price is cheaper than their full price.”

Mother “It’s not on special”

Me “I’m sorry but from what it says here it is on special, I have to ring them and find out for sure.”

Mother “They aren’t open today, I want to buy the machine today for the matched price.”

Me “I have to be able to call them to confirm it.”

Mother “Oh great, now you’re just making up your own rules”

Me “No I’m reading them straight from the printout that you gave me”.

Mother “Where does it say that? Prove it”

Me *points to line “It’s right here, see, right above the line that says that we don’t match prices on sewing machines.”

Mother “You made that up” *snatches the papers of me

Me “You printed it”

Mother “FINE, we are going elsewhere” Storms to the door, stops “I’m calling in a complaint about you” I can see it’s a ploy to scare me into giving her the discount, one which would probably get me fired, a complaint could too if the company decide I’ve treated her rudely but by this time I don’t care.

Me “They aren’t open on Sundays, do it tomorrow”.

I make sure I document what was said and give it to my manager. She rarely backs me up.

Manager “You should have given her the discount. I would have approved it, you lost us a sale. A sale is a sale.”

Me “It would have brought it under cost price”

Manager “What? OMG, you’re right. You just saved both of us from possible termination”.

Making A Mocha-ry Of Mochas

, , , , | Working | October 1, 2017

(It’s early morning and I pull into a fast food restaurant for a mocha. I usually buy it there, and have since as well.)

Me: “Can I have a mocha, please?”

Worker: “We don’t do that here”

Me: “You don’t make mocha anymore?”

Worker: “No, we only do coffee or hot chocolate. If you want anything fancy like mocha you will need to try elsewhere.”

Me: “Okay. Then can I have a coffee with a spoonful of chocolate powder mixed in, please?”

Worker: “Sure thing.” *makes my mocha*

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What Used To Be Jarring Neglect Is Now Normal

, , , , | Related | October 1, 2017

(I’ve received a jar of chocolate biscuits as a gift from my sister. The chocolate seems to have melted, so some of the biscuits are stuck together, and some have lost half of the chocolate. I try a couple and find that they taste awful and stale.)

Me: *to my son* “Could you tip these into the bin, please?”

Son: “Why are you throwing them out? It’s just a waste.”

([Son] hates wasting food, and will eat just about anything.)

Me: “They’re awful.”

Son: “They can’t be that bad; I’ll eat them.” *takes a bite of one and immediately spits in the bin* “What was that? Where did you get those from? You need to take them back.”

Me: “[My Sister] gave them to me as a gift.”

Son: “Well, that figures. Why am I not surprised?”

Me: “Save the jar; I can use that.”

Son: *looking in jar* “Umm, there are crumbs in here that don’t match the chocolate biscuits; she used a dirty jar.”

Me: “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me either.”

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