Numbers Don’t Lie

, , , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2011

(I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket, working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about eight pm with three dozen eggs.)

Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*

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Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

, , , , , , | Right | September 1, 2011

(A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

Me: “Um… it’s okay. I believe you.”

Customer: “It smells terrible!”

Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you a refund.”

Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

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Separates The Men From The Boys

, , , , | Right | February 24, 2011

(Two customers come into the store wearing a uniform from the same company. Often when this happens, people generally get separate items, then pay for them together, so I always ask to make sure before ringing the items up. They are both male.)

Me: “Hello, are you two paying together?”

Customer #1: “No! We are definitely not together! I’m not gay! We work together. That’s all okay! We aren’t gay together! He’s not my boyfriend and we are not a couple! Not that I’m against… You know… I’m not prejudiced! BUT WE AREN’T TOGETHER!”

Me: “Sir, I asked if you are paying together.”

Customer #1: “Oh… No. Separately. Which is what we are. Separate. Not a couple.”

Customer #2: *trying not to laugh* “Sorry about him.”

Me: “Don’t apologise! You guys just made my day. But, you know… separately.”

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Just Blew In From The Windy City

, , , , | Right | February 24, 2011

(It is an extremely windy day so we have to keep the double doors closed. A customer and her nine-year-old daughter walks up to the doors, and walks away. They don’t go very far. A coworker goes outside to start cleaning tables.)

Customer: “Excuse me, are you open?”

Coworker: “Yes, we are.”

Customer: “But I stood in front of the doors and they didn’t open.”

Coworker: “No, ma’am. You have to push them.”

(The customer and her daughter opens the door and walks in. The daughter goes off to the bathroom. We are an old west themed restaurant, so everything, even the toilet door signs, are changed to suit. The daughter comes back a few seconds later.)

Customer: “What’s wrong, honey? Couldn’t you find them?”

Daughter: “I’m not sure if I’m a cowboy or a cowgirl.”

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What Came First, The Idiot Or The Egg

, , | Right | February 17, 2011

(After scanning some eggs I open the box look inside and close it again.)

Customer: “Why are you looking it the egg carton?”

Me: “I’m checking to make sure there are no broken ones.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought it was to make sure people weren’t stealing stuff by hiding it in the eggs…”

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